Fed confused as IMF boss has right ear transplanted onto hand

Yesterday, the IMF issued a warning about China and Japan. No doubt this afternoon they’ll be warning us of their doubts about Fukushima and the Cultural Revolution. I hear that Christine Lagarde also thinks the Ming dynasty is not as all-powerful as its leaders would have us believe.

Speaking for myself, I’d stick my neck out and suggest to Austrian striker Frankie Ferdinand that he should cancel his plans to play in the Sarajevo local derby 102 years ago. I know that one’s really out there, but hey – I’m a wild and crazy bloke.

Meanwhile, back in the 21st century Abenomics go from bad to mad. The dollar has weakened and the Yen strengthened…it’s now broken under a 100 in its dollar relationship, but it was supposed to be going in the other direction. The fact that it isn’t caused exports to crash 14% in the latest figures. Clearly, it’s time for the Bank of Japan to act. Some time around AD2064, LaGarde will take time out from her sunbed to warn that such a move is imminent.

So how will the BoJ act? It’s hard to say on the whole, but I think at this delicate stage of development it would be a mistake for them to act surprised, or the role of Benvolio in Romeo & Juliet. This might harm international confidence.

The US Fed, say sources close to it this morning (aka, its voting members) is “divided and confused”. They’re divided on whether to raise rates or cut rates, and confused about the data, the ramifications, Abenomics and the offside law in soccer. The only certainty left is that everything is Brexit’s fault until further notice – or such time as Brexit is quietly blocked.

But raising or lowering is as nought compared to negative rates, or Nirp. S&P says today that 500M people are already living under Nirp. The crazed pan-Galactic Emperor Nirp escaped last Christmas from a 1930s Saturday matinée, and so far nobody has been able to stop his insane plan to force the Bond gangsters to pay their own yields on top of the purchase price. The two heads of the gang – widely-feared brothers James and Basildon – are said to feel that Nirp is “well artof owdah” and no longer a safe haven so much as a safe in need of some gelignite. The IMF has issued a warning that Flash Gordon wins in the end.

But in a bold move designed to counter the fact that nobody can afford to buy anything nowadays,  Ford CEO Mark Fields yesterday announced that the carmaker was putting “a big push” behind driverless cars. “First of all, I need to make it crystal clear that nobody who opts for the driverless car will have to push it,” he said, adding “but with no drivers coming in to buy our vehicles, the driverless model is a no-brainer. We think there is a gap in the back seat space, primarily for the person who used to be the driver. Customers will quickly grasp how much gas money they stand to save – and the environmental benefits to be had – if their new Ford just sits in the driveway with nobody driving it anywhere”.

The US Fed said it was divided and confused on the issue, but in what is thought to be the start of a new asset-buying programme, the Bank of Japan announced it would purchase every driverless car Ford can make, on the grounds that they are not going anywhere at all for some considerable time. Christine Lagarde warned that the horse-drawn carriage sector now faces “serious problems of over-supply”.