Strawberry Fields Forever

mesnip30716The FTSE is falling and the Bank of England says a slowdown is coming. Oil prices are falling as fast as the value of the Pound because of Brexit, but allegedly ‘surging’ world growth is making a mockery of Brexit scare stories. However, several UK companies are already blaming lost profits on Brexit or the falling Pound. There was a boom in US car sales, but now there isn’t. It could be Brexit, and it probably will be before long. The Yen was supposed to become weaker than a sick kitten following the Nippon Nirp, but it continues to get stronger and stronger because world forex markets didn’t expect Brexit to happen. There was a plan for Monte Dei Paschi bank, but now there isn’t. Probably, the backers had their money in Sterling and got burnt. Chinese demand is set to plunge, because Beijing looks likely to end its tax relief scheme. I bet they’re dropping the tax relief because of Brexit worries.

Today I formally announce my conversion to the theory that Brexit didn’t happen. It was all faked. Cameron was bored and wanted to spend more time with his family. Money. Osborne’s Talcum eye-wobbler habit had become so bad, he’s secretly in rehab. Gove, Johnson and Corbyn knew there was a global slump coming, that’s why they didn’t try very hard.

They decided to lumber Theresa Maniac with the job of one day telling the electorate that the 48% was actually 56%. But the votes were never counted: we’ve checked the pencils in the polling booths, and they were all firing blanks. It never happened. I’m a fully paid-up Brexit denier.

Consider this astonishing evidence:

  • Why did Farage concede defeat, and then hastily change his mind? Because he wasn’t in the loop. It’s obvious
  • Why did Osborne threaten to increase taxes if Brexit won? Because he’s a coke-addled idiot, and the conspirators had to make his ‘desperation’ look real. An idiot could see that this was all part of the script.
  • Why did Cameron suddenly resign the next day, having said he would not do so? To make it look like he’d been stabbed. He was gagging to get at the money – it’s all he thinks about.

I bet all you Fumb duckers think the EU is real too, don’t you? Hahahaha. Don’t make me laugh – it’s all made up to give us something to hate. Have you ever seen those bureaucrats in Brussels actually do anything concrete? Of course not: they just issue lots of directives and then all the citizens forget what they directed should happen and don’t notice that nothing’s happened, the numpties.

Dear oh dear – some people, eh? Do they think that a real EU government could have no plans at all for migrants after the Syria meltdown? You actually think this actor playing ‘Wolfgang Schäuble’ is believable? That he’d help the Greek economy by doubling its debt, raising taxes and destroying infrastructure? You must’ve been born yesterday.

Nuclear weapons, Cyber warfare, the internet: it’s all fake. They flew over Japan with two bombs the size of a bloody house. No way could they ever get them into a missile. They’ve all got sawdust inside them. Ever seen an ICBM actually ever explode? Course not – they’d barely make a dent in a shoe-box.

Cyber warfare? Blimey, it’s like a Captain America comic: they expect me to believe that some nancy little impulse can blow out the entire comms system of South Ossetia? Don’t be daft….that’s cobblers, stands to reason.

And the world wide web? Pure Spiderman – it’s just lots of tellies with micro-cameras in ’em, taking snaps of what you write and then developing it at the other end using a secret formula Kodak developed in the 1960s. How can you have electronic mail? Think about it for a minute: little sparks coming out like a typewriter. Potty. Digital HDTV? Rubbish. They’re just using 4,800 lines instead of 405. It’s all a con.

Listen suckers, some people even believe Americans went to the Moon. In a tin box. Let me tell you readers, you can’t even fly to America. How can you get into a dirty great metal thing with no propellers on it that just farts backwards and remain at 30,000 bloody feet for seven hours? They just fly you down the road to a film set of New York. Straight up.

Nah mate, look – the Japanese right, they owe sixty squillion bucks, and tell us the Yen is a safe haven because they’re getting people to pay for the privilege of lending to them. I mean what kind of airhead falls for that sort of shit?

It’s all bollocks, and that’s official. Honest. Bloke down the Cloud & Bitcoin told me. Don’t believe anything the mothers tell you.

 Yesterday at The Slog: Graspi Waspis….what are they like?