meglycinessnipJeremy Corbyn refuses to go. Angela Eagle is afraid to go out. Germans in Munich have been ordered not to go out. Donald Trump is going to build a wall so Mexicans can’t come in. Sam Allardyce says England will be staying in the running from now on. Philip Hammond says there will be adjustments now that we have voted out. There’s little sign of any reduction in the number of migrants coming in. It’s been a silly sort of week; it deserves a silly end.

My old man’s a Dutchman

‘e wears an old Dutch cap –

that’s why I’ve got no brothers

and ‘e’s never ‘ad the clap

Former top Whitehall bureaucrat and self-confessed set dresser Baron Waste has admitted to a Parliamentary enquiry that he would often come into work by glider, regularly using Louise Mensch’s ego as his landing strip. “When she resigned her seat” he told startled MPs, “I switched to Steven Crabb’s neck.”

Baron Waste was answering questions on the misuse of public funds, a practice he told the committee was “not only endemic, but also highly enjoyable”. Asked by Ricardo  Toppe-Wheeze (Tory, East Suffix) to elaborate, Waste described to MPs how he had been asked by former Prime Minister David Cameron to cost his Big Society proposals.

“Nicky Soames and I motored up to Kempton,” he replied, “and put the £30 billion female State pension budget at 15-1 on Dunkin Donut in the 3.45. It came in last, so we muliplied 30 by 15 and told the PM his idea would cost £450 billion. After that, his ardour cooled”.

In a shock choice tonight, Democratic Presidential candidate Clarissa Hinton named FBI director James B. Comey as her running mate.

Interviewed by Fox News anchor Megyn ‘Skimpy Top’ Kelly, Hinton told viewers that she chose Comey “to assure the American people that his email investigation was done competently, honestly, and independently, and no outside influence of any kind was brought to bear on his decision not to prosecute” aside from the tempting offer to spend the next four years farting about in a non-job at the taxpayers’ expense.