By our Electoral College reform correspondent, Nicky Moron

Despite the like totally out of order decision of this public school fascist régime of scumbigots to turn down the momentous democratic achievement of persuading 4.3 billion citizens of the Vatican City and Venezuela to sign a petition dwarfing the pathetic 52% of Nazi media-inflamed racists who voted to leave the EU and make me ashamed to be British, The Populist Progressive Front for the genital mutilation of all UKip Murderers has persuaded the Electoral Reform Sub Committee of the Labour Irrational Executive to adopt the Minority Maths motion put forward by the Red Rag Mutant Tendency at the Haringey Fringe LGBT Rally next year.

We should all be well proud and shit as we can now go into the next election which should be next week really but whatever with a full-on spit in the face of Tory Xenophobes and Little Englander swine who used to vote for us but now don’t so good riddance innit?

Under the minority maths of the new Feminist Commissariat, the following principles will be restored to the rainbow of dialectical outcomes as outlined by Brother Deggsy in 1981:

  • The oppressed minority of women held captive by the lickspittle submissive Barbie Dolls of sexist capital greed will henceforth become the majority, and take over the remaining newspaper columns not written by Sisters doing it for themselves while sitting on the washing machine during the spin cycle
  • 48% of hate-free spontaneously motivated enemies of the press boss class will become the winners against any trumped-up vote reached by the servile sheep drones of race supremacist mucksheets run by scumbigot etc etc see earlier
  • All future football games played by AntiNazi United in the SmashTories League wherein bourgeois opponents score more goals than us will be declared glorious victories of the proletarian peace-loving class and the referee shot as a revisionist spy
  • BBC anchors declaring election results of an unprogressive nature will be sent on reducation courses provided by the University of Wrong Division to study the Room 101 reality of majority minorities
  • Crime statistics of racist abuse will be cross-correlated into records of all abuse, murders, gangland killings and domestics, then percentaged back to prove a figure of 47 was really 3,012
  • Affirmative Action will be introduced across the piece of human resource applications to ensure that every level playing field tilts in favour of those disallowed from benefiting from the spurious equality of opportunity myth as expounded by the vicious racists of the public school warmongering class eg Hilary Benn
  • From now on, four eyes will be good, two legs bad, three legs given a leg up, one-armed bandits given a light sentence, and legless wankers declared President of Europe
  • Further, in solidarity with the noble but downtrodden masses who outnumber the bloodsucking vampire leeches of decadent royalty, anything big will be preferred to everything small, and every progressive vote allowed to float on the Shanghai Index at a value not less than 4.5 times every knuckle-dragging stupid regressive vote cast by neo-lithic reactionaries in favour of installing a British Gulag to exterminate Polish workers and their families
  • Finally, to simplify the unnecessarily complex nature of the sort of proportional representation being proposed by the so-called Gang of LibDem Revisionists, all future EU referendum ballot papers will offer this simple choice:


Yesterday at The Slog: UK progressives – thinkers, or just 1% of a Mob?