MPM in the UK – diving below mediocrity

Heading for the fire exit, frightening Brussels, the Establishment’s progress, limboing towards leadership and other stories


meglycinessnipIt’s at last beginning to dawn on me that the UK’s political anarchy at the moment is probably a cunning plan to get things moving more quickly in Brussels-am-Berlin. It’s based on the principle that, if we appear to be completely mad, they’ll think of us a dangerous radioactive isotope, and push us away with all haste.

Personally, I think we should take the Erdogan approach and demand to be paid to leave the EU. You know, threaten to unleash 40,000 England fans, having encouraged them to rape and pillage at will: “Twenty billion Quid or you get a dose of British disease – stuff it up your Juncker”.

I’m sure it would work. When the drunk gets on the late bus, we all pray he won’t sit next to us, don’t we? Our eyes are fixed in a close examination of the wooden ribbing on the floor. But five minutes after he does sit next to you, you’d pay him anything to bugger off.

And there’s a further advantage to letting loose the Dogs of War: we could pretend we didn’t know them when they tried to get back in. We could deport them to Gibraltar, and then give it back to Spain. Another two problems solved, and one in the eye for Tidings of Comfort & Rajoy – who gave forth yesterday on why he though Scotland was part of Britain, end of.

Maybe we should reverse history, and send an Armada of Celtic hooligans to Spain hell bent on revenge for Rajoy daring to badmouth Scottish aspirations to independence.

I suppose my point here is that there are many ways to get TF out of the EU. But The Borisgove doesn’t seem interested in any of them. Whyever not, we wonder.

While the major Party meltdown (to be dubbed ‘MPM’ in the best traditions of the blogosphere) is oddly fascinating to watch – and increasingly funny – there is a clear and consistent thread running through the mayhem at all times.

It is this: the Establishment is ruthlessly taking back the territory it lost last week. Whether it be freezing UKip out of the deliberations, ousting Jeremy Corbyn – or blathering on about the need for calm, slow deliberation on the logistics of Brexit – everything points to the same end goal: after a period of stabbing frenzy, Business as Usual.

An Old Etonian isn’t going to be the next occupant of Downing Street, but a member of the Newscorp mafia may well be. BoJo never was acceptable to the Tory Establishment; how odd it must feel to this gross élitist to be frozen out.

The Corbyn who looked at one time like he might actually break the Labout Establishment seems likely to be replaced by just another acceptably unattractive nonentity leading the Labour Party into the wilderness.

The rest of us, meanwhile, are outside watching the party on big screens….as a sop to being disenfranchised by the FPTP voting system.

Apart from this recent Referendum, I haven’t voted since 1985. Not merely because 99% of them are useless thieves (although that’s something I do take into consideration) but chiefly because nobody gives me a hierarchy of choice, or the option to tick ‘none of the above’.

The Leave/Remain vote was unique in being the nearest we will ever get now to direct, popular democracy. Yes, everyone lied and yes, all the media were ludicrously biased…but at least every vote was equal. Leave won. Asking the whole thing to be rerun because of fraudulent claims or media bias is like screaming once you put your finger in the bacon slicer: it’s a bacon slicer dummy, its sharp – bacon slicers are always sharp. No, we’re not going to make the bacon slicer blunt just because you want to pretend you didn’t know it was sharp.

So it is all rather telling that when the neoliberals and socialists lose in a direct democratic decision, they insist that the ref change his decision. The Left does it through chanting puerile slogans and writing daft tweets; the neoliberals – who are ghastly, but smarter – simply go away quietly to plot a new route round the volcano on their way to the Broken Promise Land.

The logical (and ethical) thing for the Left to do would be to adopt proportional representation as a key election promise, and ally themselves to the SNP and any others keen to have a qualitatively different Britain. But the Left never, ever moans about a voting system invented in the Tory shires four hundred years ago. Because without it, both they and the Conservatives would be history within a decade.

Everything involves selective morality in ideological politics.

Meanwhile, back at the MPM, the best part of fifteen wannabe leaders are bidding to eclipse the mediocrity of the last lot by demonstrating their ability to limbo under even that bar with ease.The only non-mediocre (albeit thoroughly malign) player Borisconi having fallen on his sword, going down below mediocrity is now The New Black.

So I thought it might be informative take a potshot at one or two of these drongos over the next few weeks; but first of all, it’s important to establish what comes below ‘mediocre’.

The etymology sites I went to weren’t a lot of help, to be honest: they had things like useless, unfit, ignorant and so forth, but all pretty much on the same level as mediocre. There is, sadly, no such word as lowestocre or bottomocre; which is a shame, because many of the runners and riders declaring themselves at the moment really are from the bottomocre of the barrel.

There’s also the need, however, to find a word that would accurately describe the known behaviours of those aspiring to the crown, and the fact that, whether we like it or not, they are the dish being served up…that there’s unlikely to be anything on the menu we might want to choose.

So after much thought, I’ve decided on the descriptor ‘tapioca’.

Tapioca has much to commend it in this context. As a food form, I’ve avoided it ever since the days of school dinners, when I learned the hard way that it’s like eating bland frogspawn. It is nothing more than a bag of balls wobbling in one’s dish, is tapioca. It is repulsive. I’ve yet to meet anyone who likes it.

As you can discern therefore, it ticks all the boxes: pondlife, a load of balls, utterly undistinguished, unattractive and impossible to market. Observe below as I make the point pictorially:


So henceforth, the review of political hopefuls at The Slog will be referred to as the search for who has The Tapioca Factor. Stay tuned.

A recurring remark I’ve come across over the last five days is, “One gets the feeling that, after all the arguments and counter arguments chucked about during the referendum, we’ve learned nothing”.

I go along with most of that, but ‘nothing’ is I think a little harsh. I found the campaign a near-failsafe way of confirming my views about various people in public life. That Bob Geldof, for instance, is a prick, Osborne a bully, Polly Toynbee a bigot wrapped in a cliché, Kate Hoey a star, Dennis Skinner a genuine national treasure, Nigel Farage a loose popgun, and Jon Snow a one eyed, one-trick pony.

I also felt by the end of it all that, were the Queen ever to invite me to form an Administration of all the Talents, I’d be well-equipped so to do:

Minister of Mental Health,  Michael Gove

Minister for Drugs, George Osborne

Minister of Cookery Books, Jeremy Hunt

Minister of False Flags, Jeremy Corbyn

Minister of Punishment, Stephen Crabb

Minister of Invention, Nicola Sturgeon

Minister of Sport, Nigel Farage

Minister for Music, Tom Watson

Minister for the Environment, Dan Hannan

Home Secretary, Nicky Morgan 150 words pm

Chancellor of the Exchequer, Jeremy Bentham

Minister without Moral Compass, Hilary Benn

Prime Minister, Kate Hoey

Minister keeping an eye on all the other bastards, Denis Skinner

Good morning, one and all.

Yesterday at The Slog: Life in the EU after March 31st 2017



31 thoughts on “MPM in the UK – diving below mediocrity

  1. Totally agree with your nomination for Prime Minister, but would respectfully submit that my Mother would make a superb Chancellor i/c The National Kitty. By christ, the unemployed would suddenly find all sorts of useful things to do, all those poor people infected with glandular problems and toting about extra cordage would be put on WWII rations for a twelve-month and the grasping politicians and simpering Whitehall bien pensants would look back with tearful fondness to the good old days when Mrs. T used only to hit them with her handbag.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. @Germ

    Thank you for posting this. I am unable to argue with my UK friends as they are completely brainwashed by the idea that Brexit will be an economic disaster and will not listen to any suggestion to the contrary. I have always had an awful lot of time for Keen. From what I understand, he argues that classical economics, (and its Neoliberal bastard offspring), was formulated in the late 18th century around the same time the Newtonian paradigm reached ascendency in Physics. Economics has always been the retarded cousin of the hard sciences and exemplifies the ‘cargo cult’ science described by the great Richard Feynman. Faced with an incredibly complex and fluid system, early economists lacked the complex mathematics necessary to describe the myriad feedback loops inherent in any economic regime and so attempted to simplify it by making the ludicrous assumption that economic systems tended to equilibrium. They could then use the simpler mathematics of statics rather than dynamics to model the real world which is exactly what they proceeded to do.

    Unfortunately, as with so many religions, any correlation between reality and their statics-based models are entirely coincidental and like so many high priests, classical economists ignore the evidence suggesting their models are bunkum, preferring to blame the lack of faith of the people, or the rigour of those stupid enough to implement their bizarre ideas. Not much seems to have changed since the 18th century, except that I suspect that those that benefit enormously from selling the snake oil are very much aware how damaging their ‘cure’ really is to the masses, but being sociopathic monsters, they couldn’t give the proverbial monkey’s.

    Liked by 6 people

  3. “It is nothing more than a bag of balls wobbling in one’s dish,” Priceless!

    Given the machinations of MPs in the two hitherto dominant UK political parties, one can only conclude that they are so confused that they are currently stabbing each other in the chest!

    As for the self declared nominees for leaders of both parties, they seem to me to be no more than bags of wobbling balls…..


  4. Peter C

    La May’s tapioca talents would be best employed in pulling Cameldung’s pudding: the camel, after all, is known as the shill of the dessert. It goes without saying that the main course would be completely inedible.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. This is dreadful “The Tapioca Factor” I would skip pudding as a kid and stuff me mouth on the main course of meat and 2 veg. and out the door so fast parents never got a chance to say “dishes”. Sorry sisters you got the “washing and the drying today”. Oh some of the jinks as kids, bread and butter pudding the same but apple crumble and custard not eu regulated then was so awesome the dishes were licked clean.

    Our parliament has the NAY and AYE components and you can in fact abstain meaning you do not mind the outcome either way it is a virtual +1 for each on this so the cancel. Can we change this voting system as in the referendum now because it is the root of the cause we are being told?

    It is exactly the same but scaled up to fit millions of people not just a puny and traitorous 650. So all arguments against the referendum should also include all arguments against the methodology of choice by parliament.

    There are too many contradictions appearing JW such as Sturgeon selling as yet newly gained independence to the EU, Corbyn standing down but none resigning form parliament,BREMAIN voting for racists and supporting the racist point they won, Dual party MP’s with a single manifesto BREMAIN is BREMAIN even if you vote for the BREXIT one. This is where all those with master plans squirm to make their postion fit before they bastardise the human mind more.

    Worthy of possibly being the best though in that “it was us once sometime in history and in every other nation” a truth … Some poor sod elsewhere in the world fighting a tyrant, it could be today in any of the failed states the west kindly decided to create like Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya … or maybe Syria looks up and sees that 49% wins! What is the point if this is the outcome … really not worth dieing for is it mate? You are only electing others to rule over you not for your own self determination.

    That last point is sad, what hope for any others around the world then… zero, nardah, diddly squat … if you start overturning democratic decisions. I don’t do personal, but I would love the shackles of democracy removed … i know who I am and all that I have seen to realise the defence of us all from each other is an honest democracy in us all not this sham.

    Maybe that is why this society fails so bad now it became a dam fake and we sloggers still hold the real mccoy.


  6. Here is an interesting account of the PLP coup attempt against Mr Corbin – NB that it is sourced from a contribution to the Guardian’s/CIF section.
    “It now emerges that Hilary Benn and Angela Eagle have been secretly briefing against Jeremy Corbyn for the last 9 months. They have constantly fed information to Laura Kuenssberg and the Murdoch press corps about pending coups and dissatisfaction in the Parliamentary Party.They were planning to move against him on several occasions and ‘chickened out’. The debate on the RAF bombing intervention on Syria on the 2.12.15 was to be the preliminary opportunity for Benn to strike by speaking out against the Labour line ( which he did to much Tory applause). This was to be followed up by a no confidence motion after the loss of the Oldham by-election which was confidently predicted by the Murdoch press.The plot fell apart when the Oldham by-election was won by Labour, with UKIP in second place and the Tories beaten into third.
    Their next attempt was when Shadow Foreign Minister,Stephen Doughty, resigned on air during the BBC’s Daily Politics programme on 7.1.16, just before Prime Ministers Questions. Kuenssberg had been briefed by the plotters beforehand and she had fed this information to David Cameron who announced it during PM’s Questions to the surprise of the Labour benches.
    This plot to usurp Jeremy also fell apart.
    All of Kuenssberg’s reports which began with ‘a senior Labour spokesman told me….etc.’ came from the offices of Benn and Eagle.
    Kuenssberg was also informed about the present debacle. The conspirators had received news that Corbyn would suggest the impeachment of Tony Blair if the soon to be published Chilcott report on the Iraq war showed any basis of ‘war crimes’. The conspirators decided they had to pre-empt this attack on Blair. It was agreed that Benn would initiate the attack on Corbyn. He awoke Corbyn in the early hours of Sunday morning 26.6.16 with a phone call to inform him of his intention to attack him publicly with a statement of his lack of confidence in his leadership. Corbyn had no option but to remove him from post.The plan was then to organise a series of resignations with one being announced roughly every 2 hours to give the impression of a growing revolt. This was designed to keep it in the public eye and they would hopefully then encourage others not involved in the plot to join the bandwagon if they thought the ship was sinking.Initially there were 10 Shadow cabinet members recruited. and Eagles was to be the last one to declare in order to separate any association between Benn and herself.She would make a tearful, on-line resignation speech underlining Jeremy’s honesty and goodness but saying he had no leadership skills.”

    I do not know if the above description is accurate but it chimes with this ‘exclusive’

    PS like you John I despise tapioca & semolina. Remember the blob of jam in the middle & the dinner ladies hovering nearby to make sure we eat it?

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Junckerwocky
    With apologies to Lewis Carroll

    `Twas Draghi, and the eurorogues
    Did game and gamble with your wage:
    All wimpy were the Borisgoves,
    But for the meme’s wraith Farage.

    Beware the Junckerwock, my son!
    The jaws that drink, the hands that slap!
    Beware the Merkel bird, and shun
    The furious Verhofstadt!”

    He took his votal sword in hand:
    Long time the Euro foe he sought —
    So rested he by the referendum tree,
    And stood awhile in thought.

    And, as in offish thought he stood,
    The Junckerwock, with eyes of flame,
    Came minging through the Belgian wood,
    And farted as it came!

    One, two! One, two! And through and through
    The votal blade went snicker-snack!
    He left it dead, and with its head
    He went gallupping back.

    “And, hast thou slain the Junckerwock?
    Come to my arms, my Brexit boy!
    O sumptuous day! Hurrah! UK!’
    He chortled in his joy.

    `Twas brilliant, as the slimy toads
    Did groan and grumble in their grave:
    All mumsy were the Borisgoves,
    As they said goodbye to Dave.

    Liked by 5 people

  8. In today’s Times of London:

    1. Admirable balance of views: David Aaronovitch claims all Remainers are hardworking taxpayers and all Leavers are sponging lazy good-for-nothings. He has of course added huge productive value to the UK economy writing pointless drivel for 30 years. On the other side of the page, Tim Montgomerie argues forcibly that the Brexit vote was a stronger mandate than any of Mrs Thatcher’s, Tony Blair’s or John Major’s (he didn’t have to stay: take that and stick it where the sun don’t shine yer narcissistic Jewish tosser Aaronovitch (as that would be anti-semitic, wouldn’t it?)).
    2. John Kerry says that he won’t detail all the ways that the Brexit vote could be reversed, probably as Hillary Clinton would have him shot before the day was out as it would hand the Presidency to Donald Trump (as most put-down Americans want their leaders to run America for America and probably rather admire the Brits for what they have just done). So it’s good to see that the pompous American democrats still think they run the EU AND Britain…….
    3. John Whittingdale is threatening to cut the FA out of sports funding, diverting it direct to the grassroots instead, unless that bunch of smug self-satisfied gets get their governance in order. Oh but he could have the same effect on Westminster voting systems……
    4. Theresa May’s opening salvo in the PM battle is a One Nation Tory pitch specifically ignoring anyone who went to private school or Oxbridge. I’m not sure how many readers of the Times fit that description, but no doubt she sent the pitch to all the other national dailies too…….
    5. Jeremy Corbyn ‘wants to stand down’ say ‘insiders’ in the Labour Party. The Red Flag’s resurrection will apparently reside in the arms of the Divine Feminine, Angela Eagle. I must say that I’m not driven to vote Labour as a result……but I will listen to what she has to say until such time as she proves herself to be a patronising feminist who wants men to become impotent wimps serving women. Hopefully she has enough sanity to understand that 50% of the electorate have two testicles…..and 50% of them have about as much patience for dominance-dungeon feminism as the Labour Party have for Boris Johnson……
    6. Andrea Leadsom is revealed as the John Major-esque candidate for the Tory Leadership. Financially aware, understated, did well in the Brexit debate, has apparently told George Osborne to f*** off. T-shirts emblazoning ‘If you hate the snorting coke boy, vote for me!’ have apparently been burned on legal advice…..
    7. Nicola Sturgeon has begged Ruth Davidson to rescue her from ever having to be kissed in public by Juncker again – apparently this was a master-stroke by the EU to ‘unite the UK post-Brexit’….her husband is consulting lawyers as we speak….
    8. SamCam’s sister is about to join the Labour party as she hates right wing Brexiteers so much. She got into bed with the Tories because she loved her brother-in-law…..
    9. Recep Erdogan reveals that he is either the reincarnation of God or at the very least in daily contact with him: well, that is what is enemies will say when he says, correctly if you believe in such things, that ‘Bombers will find their place in hell’.
    10. Finally, it appears that the Establishment Sports Journos have, at long last, confessed all by singing to their european counter-parts: ‘We’re shit and we know we are: we’re shit!!!’

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Porridge Politics, I call it. It can be sweetened with honey, and sometimes a banana or two can be thrown in for interest, but it will always be a lumpen grey mass that induces the gag reflex.

    As for Jeremy Corbyn, the knives were out for him from the very beginning but the grassroots are more determined than ever to vote him back in, and now everyone knows who most of the traitors are. Pity the Deputy Leader was on the lash at Glastonbury when his leader needed him most.


  10. Many of us had concluded some time ago that the veneer of democracy in Westminster was wearing perilously thin: the whole world can now observe our farcical disarray as Brexit wrecks it.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. The LPL have abandoned there post to elect a new leader when the last one isn’t dead in the middle of a battle(although the PLP want him dead) if these were the soldiers that majority of them sent to an illegal war,failed to equip them properly yet didn’t refused to do their duty,if they had they would promptly be court marshalled and shot! spot the difference! LPL unelectable


  12. Weirdly, the more Blairite non-entities that “resign” their shadow cabinet posts and make tearful appeals for Corbyn to stand down, the stronger he gets and the more he seems to grow in stature.
    If he toughs it out, he might suddenly look like a winner.
    What the slime on the benches behind him will then do is unclear, just like the answer to the question “what next?” after they decided to illegally invade Iraq.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I find events of the last few days far more entertaining than any soap. We can clearly see our MP’s as a backstabbing, conniving bunch of knaves with morals that would make alley cats seem virginal The only thing that shows a semblance of unity is their treasonous attempts to thwart the democratic will of the people.

    Liked by 3 people

  14. @ Canexpat

    I earned a Ph.D in Econ from a good US school in the ’60s and I occur with everything you say about my profession. I did not make a decision to live in Canada; life simply unfolded that way, but I am glad that I am. The UK and Europe appear to be tearing themselves apart. Yet it all appears so lovely when I visit France and or Spain for my annual long distance walks. I haven’t got my head around that one yet.

    JW, I don’t know a great deal about the characters in your proposed Cabinet, but having read your blog, I simply can’t get the image of Alice in Wonderland out of my head. It is light relief from “1984”.


  15. Tapioca has a very unpleasant property of congealing into a thoroughly unsavoury gobbet as it cools. Its a bugger to scrape off the plate. In a dishwasher it merely gets baked on.


  16. So Boris is not standing for PM!
    I’m not surprised that the man with NO plan is not available to be PM.
    His cunning stunt is to let Teresa May or Michael Gove get the big job, make a Mess of it and he will be dragged reluctantly to clear up the mess.
    David Milliband anyone?
    Anyone else, anyone?


  17. Well I’m very sorry to be a discordant voice, raised against so many of you, but going back some 60 years, at my primary school I liked tapioca – and still would, if I could easily find it on sale.

    However, I concur with the politics – especially that from Anonymous @2:40pm. I think Boris is definitely planning for the 2020 election, leaving a patsy to deal with Reichsminister Juncker.


  18. Jeremy Stocks, great Health principles! Reddy Brexit, thanks for reminding me which poem I was referring to on an earlier entry, great take on the original! Brilliant.

    May I repeat a tailender that I put on the previous day/thread?

    Desmond, way to go! Growing number of of Sloggers getting into the “Kick the EU in the bollox and make them accept all UK demands without fudges” …… Declare the traitorous Heath signature, then Lisbon and any/all EU directives as an affront to our UK sovereignty which we will reject as from now! Waiting for Clause 50, on their terms, is pure farce.
    Even Maggie was compromised….. Jimmy Saville attended her Xmas parties for 10 years or more, she wrote letters begging for his Knighthood…. therefore the Mossad, the most brilliant and successful spymasters ever, had her nailed. This is end game stuff….. once more we stand alone, without even a Captain Mainwaring to lead us out of this false EU prison.

    As a Conservative brat, Army Officer, standard management fodder for the Globals…… I now see the shower that masquerades as our Parliament….. as totally alien to our True Brit beliefs. Our Colonial immigrants are forever welcome…… but Madrassas, Sharia, alien culture is just part of the Kalergi Plan. Check it out?

    Some say that Germany has already established a “Back to the Deutschmark Planning Committee!”

    Some say that France has already resumed Agri-Trade with Russia, despite sanctions.

    Supposedly, the 18-25s only turned out around 35% for the Referendum, so bollox to them for their crocodile tears.

    And for contrast. I think Corbyn is probably a genuine old-fashioned Labour guy, hideously stabbed by Bliarites.

    We still have the upper hand…… stick 2 fingers up to the EU, they are in disarray…..

    UK has proved that by Referendum, we are a Sovereign State. We dictate terms….. they are mere ciphers for the Kalergy Plan.


  19. @Hieronimusb
    Re Cameldungs pudding: The cameldung got it,s hump trying to bugger the spinxter!….which had taken the precaution of stuffing it,s fundamental with sand.


  20. Yesterday 3000 Waspi women assembled for a demo outside Westminster. Did you see it on the TV news ? The day before a similar number of anti Leave anti “racist” supporters managed to gather behind Jon Snow C4 news and get noticed.
    How did they know how to get on tv.


  21. Pingback: The Slog: Nicky Morgan’s Resemblance To Tapioca | ukgovernmentwatch

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