Are you a racist scumbigot Little Englander Islamophobic murderous bastard with the blood of Jo Cox on your hands?

If so, I have disappointing news for you: this is not a particularly exclusive Club. In fact, all you have to do is express an opinion in favour of immigration control, leaving the EU, condemning the illegally fascist federal bullying of the EC Troika – or be suspicious of TTIP, or point out the infantile fear-mongering of Camerlot….and you’re in.

Two wrongs never make a right, but I offer you this harmless fantasy about how I’d like to retaliate and ridicule all those Camerlot and Labour bile-spitters.

Are you a globalist shit4brains fluffydupe International Socialist collaborating in the mass deception of ignorant sofa-melded slobs about the murder of Jo Cox and the misogynist nature of Islam?

It’s like well fun an’ that, this name-callin’ shit innit? Next fing yer know, we’ll be able to reinstate stonings. Greeeaaat. Then Murdoch can like, roit, monetize public capital punishment.

That Digger, eh – he’s ‘avin’ a laugh innee? Sky gets exclusive rights to all British-based Sharia stonings. Buy a Sky footie package, win a front-row stone-frowin’ ticket. Issa f**kin’ no brainer.

To all those people with whom I have Skype contact, I’d like to apologise tonight for Microsoft’s bullying, Nazi apps recruitment methods. They want me to sign up for a Microsoft account, and I won’t.

Now they seem to have recruited Skype….well they would, wouldn’t they? They own the f**king thing. That’s why it’s been so ineluctably crap ever since they bought it.

The page says “We’d like to sign you up for the Skype Microsoft App” and then gives me two options: ‘continue’ or ‘cancel’.

Press cancel, and the screen goes briefly black before giving me the same ‘choice’.

To the I’m-alright-Jack dickheads who keep on telling me to get a Mac, I say this: I can’t afford a Mac, or indeed any of its horrendously overpriced peripherals. Buying your way out of the problem will not stop Microsoft preying on 95% of the world’s population. The only way to stop Microsoft is to keep finding new ways to say no….and ban their lobbyists from spraying Washington with money.

So I’ve wiped Skype from my HP notebook, and there may now be a gap until I can use my time-warped pc with unchanged Skype on it. It runs on Windows 7 and cannot force me to take apps.

It’s been an uplifting few days here – the temperature has risen, the rain has stopped, I’ve been up to Bordeaux to watch some footie, the cherries are ripe at last, and garden growth is exploding in all directions.

But beyond these climes, it’s been deeply dispiriting. I despair of Blighty and its fractured culture of mutual hate alongside a revival of vituperative Class War.

Meanwhile, my Irish guest and I are about to consume some pasta with robust Cabernet Sauvignon wine, at the end of a wonderful evening of sensational light playing a symphony upon lush crops, primary colours and fading sky. We have been making the most of it, because we are both old and ugly enough to know that Homo sapiens is going to have another of its periodic brainstorms.