In an amazing display of unprecedented compassion, 1950’s born Waspi women deprived of their State pensions have agreed to house one Bubble Migrant each. Perhaps more than any other single act, this illustrates the profound cultural nature of British fair play. The Slog investigates.
Although the EU’s lachrymose welcome to all Middle East migrants may be breaking down in the cold dawn of bureaucracy hypocrisy, the Samaritan instincts of those deprived of UK State pensions by sprained jargon and broken promises knows no bounds.
Over the last few days – as it has become apparent that the Camerlot Bubble Dwellers are doomed – thousands of Waspis have rushed to volunteer use of their spare bedroom-taxed spaces in order to house the 3% of political Bubble Migrants who would otherwise be hacked to pieces by gangs of marauding disabled thugs.
Destitute pensioner Lynne Drewery lives on a diet of wood shavings and burnt toast crumbs, but she has graciously offered to house Jeremy Hunt and feed this nourishing mélange to him in perpetuity. And Torquay slightly violent terrorist Lizzie Cornish insists that she will feel “no bitterness towards” Stephen Crabb as she shares with him her daily portion of Lidl communion bread and sour wine, while he dangles suspended from the 1936 bakelite ceiling light fitting by his wrinkly crabapples.
Said Remain spokespillock Rajid Cameldung, “Let’s be clear about this, as my good friend and mortal enemy Doris Jobsdone has said many times, oppressed minorities come from all sections and levels of society. It warms my absent heart to see these acts of kindness from loyal serfettes willing to take in billionaire bankers and Cabinet Ministers whose various scams took them in for many decades. This is what we Conservatives mean by enlightened despotism”.
Ros ‘Jewels’ Altmann was unavailable for comment as The Slog went to press, but declared herself “happy to pretend I give a shit at every available juncture, for which my fee will never be less than thirty pieces of silver, Ithangyoo.”