On the pulse of an informed democratic electorate

Once again it’s time to join Noah Bode and Harry App in their local, The  Purple Helmet.

Noah: D’you like that, you know, classical music?

Harry: Not likely, mate. Leave it out. Nah, s’not fer me.

Noah: What don’t yer like about it?

Harry: Well – long story short – yer don’t get yer money’s worf.

Noah: How do yer make that out?

Harry: There’s no singin’ in it.

Noah: There’s opera.

Harry: She doesn’t sing you plonker.

Noah: Who?

Harry: Oprah Winfrey. She just sits and talks ter peepull.

Noah: No….o-p-e-r-a, you dingbat.

Harry: Don’t fink so. I fink it’s o-p-r-a-h  smartarse.

Noah: Right. Yeh. Thanks for setting me straight on that.

Harry: Sawright. I go online yer see. Learn a lot that way.

Noah: You do? Like what?

Harry: Wull, olive oil’s better for yer than Castrol.

Noah: Well o’ course it is shit4brains, Castrol’s poisonous, I mean…

Harry: No it in’t. I was watchin’ this Yank bird right and she said the olive oil was better for you and so it can’t be poisonous.

Noah: Just cos she said it?

Harry: No, cos she wan’t dead. Anyway it tastes ‘orrible but it dunt killya. My mum got it free on the National ‘ealth when she were a kid.

Noah: That’s Castor oil you wally.

Harry: Either way, I wouldn’t purrit in me motor.

Noah: Why not?

Harry: Be a waste of good olive oil wunnit? You’re feckin’ weird at times you are.

Noah: Nuvva Becks?

Harry: As it’s your round…

As Noah gets the drinks, wondering for the 793rd time why he has Harry as a friend, Harry picks up a copy of The Times from the bar

Harry: Sez ‘ere this Brexit’s causin’ volla’ivitee, and if we yer know Brexit an’ that, it’s gonna mean ozsteri’ee an’ all.

Noah:Yeh, well…..we’ve had austerity ever since Osborne took over the Treasury.

Harry: Blimey, they’ve privatised that now ‘ave they? Good fing too, they were never right about anyfin an’….

Noah: No….since George Osborne took over at the Treasury.

Harry: Oh. Right.

The two men sip their lagers. Noah spots a girl he knows and raises his bottle with a wink. Worryingly, Harry is thinking.

Harry: D’ye fink that’s why they call it austerity?

Noah: You lost me, ‘arry.

Harry: ‘appens to me all the time. I got one o’ them electric brains….

Noah: That’s eclectic , ‘arry…

Harry: Yurr. An’ I fink about evryfin all the time. That’s why uvva peepull right, seefingizzright, they can’t keep up wiv me.

Noah: It must be hard for you. Why do you think they call it austerity?

Harry: Cos Osborne invented it. Like, maybe e’ll go down on ‘istory as George Osteri’ee.

Noah: I don’t think Osborne invented it, mate. I think he just, yer know, thinks we gotta have it.

Harry: I ‘ear ‘e’s gorran  habit an’ all….

Noah: Yeh, a habit of feckin’ up.

Harry: D’yer fink so? I mean, it’s not all bad izzit? I mean rich people ain’t got it.

Noah: I never thought of it that way.

Harry: I mean, ‘e ‘as ter go on what ‘is peepull tell ‘im, dunnee? They just give ‘im like ballpoint estimates….

Noah: Ballpoint estimates?

Harry: Thasright.

Noah: And he just kind of pencils them in does he?

Harry: Narr yuur gettin’ it. Course, high finance int fer evryone….

Noah: That’s because most of them haven’t got any money.

Harry:…and so most peepull dunt, seefingislike, see why we need ter get rid of regulation…

Noah: You don’t think we need some sort of regulatory model?

Harry: Well that Whittingdale bloke does, e’s got that Miss Whiplash annee, wurhey!

Noah: No ‘arry, I mean some legal rules to keep cheats and crooks in place.

Harry: But we already got one. S’called prison.

Noah: Yes, true, very true. But there aren’t any bankers in there.

Harry: Well o’ course there feckin’ aren’t, Prison Officers don’t get paid enough…I mean why would a rich banker wanna do that job? You do come art wiv…

Noah: No ‘arry, what I mean is, we need to put some bankers inside.

Harry: Ah, I gerrit: so they can privatise it? Good idea. But wunt that be insider tradin’?

Noah: It’s your round ‘arry.

Harry: Same again?

Noah: Please.

There will be more bulletins from The Purple Helmet in due course. In the meantime….

Earlier at The Slog: Why Middle England is in pole position