Having recently conducted extensive psychographic research among those determined to stay in the European Union (but unlikely to bother verbalising their decision by voting, as such) I have amazing news for strategists in the Leave camp: your strategy is wrong.

You’ve got to grab people in the opening paragraph, right? And nothing agitates your strategists more than telling them they’re off-strategy, on account of following the wrong strategy. Believe me, I’ve been there: it’s like spotting in a maths exam that – having devoted ten minutes to a quadratic equation – you copied down the equation wrongly in the first place.

This is where the Leave strategists have got it wrong: all along they’ve been thinking the game was to pick the low-hanging fruit, viz, indecisive people open to persuasion by intelligent argument. Whereas my qualitative, in-depth analysis based on one focus group conducted among the half-pissed terminally thick across the political spectrum – shows that if you climb right to the top of the fruit tree in search of the bitter, nasty and fundamentally self-interested cherries, one completely braindead scare tactic will have them dropping like flies into the Leave basket.

Well, not like flies actually, more like cherries, this being the chosen analogy for today.

You see, the Leavers have been deconstructing the obvious drivel being pumped out by the Remaindeers….and getting nowhere. Whereas they should be taking a leaf out of their book. Or tree. The Brexiters should be enumerating the interests of the self-interested, and – in the interest of saving time – inventing interesting bollocks to terrify those whose vested interests dominate their otherwise interest-free lives. Believe me, this is in the Leavers’ interest, and would produce interesting results that repaid their efforts with ample interest.

My research has identified two groups of confirmed Remaindeers: the Redrobots and the Bluesmugs. Here now – absolutely free * – are the correct buttons to push in order to guide them immediately into the Leave Camp:


“If Britain remains in the EU, it must abide by the Eurovision Directive whereby live football via Sky Sports (an Australian-based company) will be blocked in favour of Eurosport delivery, which consists largely of Serie D Italian and Bundesliga III [North] games”

“If Britain remains in the EU, it must sign up to the Mogherini Emergency Powers Act which states quite clearly that all political organisations with a history of support for Arab extremism and/or anti-Semitism will have all activities suspended until such time as Signora Mogherini gives them a clean bill of NATO health”

“If Britain remains in the EU, the following alcoholic drinks will be banned under the Toxic Health & Safety Directive: all Real Ales, and especially Trafford Old Peculiar Labour; Nettle Wine; Newcastle Haway-pet Speshayall Broon Liyeek; and Welsh Lion 9% Cymru Doublevision Issenit”

“Wolfgang Schäuble  has secretly agreed to push for the European Presidency of Jeremy Hunt”


“If Britain remains in the EU, it must abide by the Eurovision Directive whereby live cricket via Sky Sports (an Australian-based company) will be blocked in favour of BBC and Eurosport delivery, which consists largely of one-day 30 overs Lancs & Cheshire League French cricket, off-piste extreme Snowballing, and the Putin Geopolitical Chess Championship Fantasy League”

“If Britain remains in the EU, teams of Europol plain-clothes agents provocateurs will begin executing the European Central Garden Directive. This expressly forbids the planting, growing and nurturing of roses under the Thorn Danger Directive”

“If Britain remains in the EU, it will become liable for all business failures caused by having to cope with multiple currencies…such failures to be decided by Eurogrope members on the basis of the new Revenge on Rosbifs Directive. This will render Britain bankrupt, and where you live will be blighted by rampaging hordes of desperate welfare scroungers whose mere presence will knock at least 35% off the value of your house. They will also trample your roses to death”

“Angela Merkel has secretly agreed to push for the European Presidency of Jeremy Corbyn”

*Under the new TTIP/EU trade Directive, the internet definition of ‘absolutely free’ will be adopted…that is, all information software will be absolutely free to anyone who doesn’t use it.


(The only answer)