CRASH2: This isn’t the queue for the showers, but it IS the queue for the queue.

President Obama having formally declared The Queue open, The Slog looks at where the queue might lead.

SQUARE.JW.01It seems that if Britain leaves the EU, that will speed up the European disintegration process, “and engulf Britain” said Yanis Varoufakis last night. But if we stay, the costs of economic standstill, mindless austerity, East European rebellion, extreme politics and TTIP corporatocracy, er, won’t.

It’s an intriguing piece of logic, and one matched by the fact that, as Barclays announces an intention to sell its loss making French business, the “French recovery” has not as yet shown up in the employment data. Given there hasn’t been one, it wouldn’t.

I’ve spent the last week (in idle moments) checking how the main “positive” corporate results got through the tape. Not much point doing this in the banking business, as everyone there is haemhorraging money; but elsewhere the answer is obviously fourfold: accountancy, cutting back R&D, borrowing and firing people. They’re not doing it through sales – Apple’s Iphone sales actually dropped in volume this quarter, a first – but the phrase “borrowing to pay a dividend” is being breezily bandied around as if it was accepted practice.

Australia’s currency is weakening. At last it’s dawned on the Aussies that they have a one-client export policy, and that client being China, things are looking bleak. New euphemisms are being invented to ‘explain’ this “unexpected” turn of events: thus, Oz is temporarily in a ‘slowed inflation environment’.

Given that everything’s going so well, talk of ‘helicopter money’ is returning. Jens Weidmann at the Bundesbank – an unyielding chap, but one who talks more sense than most of the Eunatics – told a news conference earlier today, “the idea should be put back in the economic theory drawer where it belongs”, but it’s clearly what all those decisive markets out there want: because they don’t care about sane business – just a continuation of returns come what may. If you’ve ever managed a bourse-quoted company, that’s what it’s all about: come what may, we want the munnneeee. Hence “borrowing to pay dividends”.

We need the helicopter money, it seems, because there is ‘pent-up’ demand. Actually, it’s spent-up credit, but that’s non violent extremism and Unfriedmanlike behaviour – what are you huh – some kinda comm’nist?

AEN

Anyway, this is the oxygen-enriched spheroid on which we all have to live for now, so let’s tot up all the logical thought above, tie up those loose ends, and give the consumption serfs a clearer view of the future.

I mean, it’s quite simple really. We must go global because any other policy would be crazy. That why we need TTIP or, if you’re a Corbynista, international worker solidarity with all its rights and influence restored. If we stay in the EU, we get TTIP – a trade deal with the world’s biggest superpower. They’re already 14% of our exports (good) but we import half a billion more from the US every month (bad). The US Board of Commerce says EU membership actually holds back UK exports to the US….so there we are, held back at the back of The Queue. If we leave the EU, we go even further back. Or not. It’s that clear.

And should we invent the elixir of life, neither the EU nor the US – not China, Russia, India nor Australia, not Brazil, not Chile – is going to buy it off us.

So there we are, starving and so far back we aren’t even in The Queue; but when we were in the queue, our manufacturing exports shrank 30% in six years. So obviously, the problem is the need to be in The Queue. So we can sell more to countries like France, Italy and Greece who don’t have the money to pay off debt let alone buy exports. And compete on a level playing field with Poland, where the cost of living is 37% lower than ours. We have to be in The Queue you see, to keep on getting that record trade imbalance of £23.6bn we notched up with the EU in Q1 2016….and pay our £18bn membership fee each and every year.

Can you see now why we need helicopter money? It’s obvious: we spend so much time in The Queue eating sandwiches to pass the time, they cost more than the hourly rate on that 6 hours a week sales assistant job we just fought tooth and nail to get. Then to pay a dividend for the benefit of the 3%, the employer needs to fire us. And when we Brexit, President Obama points that boney finger towards the end of The Queue. That’s the one we need to be in just to lose money. Try to keep up here, it’s not rocket science.

Back at the end of The Queue, we’re still hungry, but the Doshcopter arrived just in time. Banknotes shower down, and because inflation is slowing down, it’ll last longer. Of course, with the banks all losing money, they’re not the cash donors. And as all the companies had to borrow money and fire employees to make the quarterly numbers, it won’t be coming from them either. So, um…

The Government! Of course – the Central Banks have a licence to print money….why didn’t I think of that? Except of course, that’ll speed up inflation. So even as the marines are chucking the money down towards us, the more they chuck, the more worthless it becomes. And still we’re at the back of The Queue.

Our demand for sandwiches is still pent up, and they’re now twenty bucks a pop. And call me wacky, but this queue is getting longer. And much, much wider. Now they’re using a fleet of drones to drop the money, because the people in The Queue keep shooting down the helicopters to stop them from debasing the currency which makes everything too expensive to satiate all that pent up starvation. And unworkingness. And desperation.

AEN

I have seen the future, where nothing and nobody works. Where the weight of banknotes per drone is unsustainable, and so cash has been abolished in favour of Consumption Cards. Where fire-hoses have become by far the most effective method of keeping the homeless clean, tear gas is primarily used to disguise the tears falling in profusion without it, privatised education focuses on obedience electric shock therapy, all health treatment waiting times have disappeared because 54 million people can’t afford the insurance, a paramilitary Anti-NVE Youth Corps has been established to give workshy yobs a sense of purpose, the Government has introduced a pay-to-work scheme, and the the Home Office has been rebranded the Citizen Reassessment Overview Centre (CROC). People sell their bodies to get out of the CROC queue, because there’s a lot of what Whitehall has started to call ‘churn’ involved.

It has at last become a truly global economy, because the queue to join in stretches right around the planet. It never moves, because the start in the Wannsee district of Berlin meets the end as it tags on across the park in Glienicker. One big whopping queue where there is zero tolerance of migrants, because that would be queue-jumping.

Scuffles and riots break out on a daily basis. Drones fly over and drop mobile phones crammed with downloaded action movies as a distraction. When that fails, out come the Molotov cocktails….to, if nothing else, whittle down that petrol glut for which, one day, there will be demand again. Fire hoses have been banned since Putinania redirected the Don water supply three years ago.

In the European Parliament, a heated debate is going in the Upper House between the Apple Coke Amazon McDonKing Alliance Party and the so-called ‘oily rags’ – The Saudi Texas Norway Plastics Front – about a new TTIP Bill making it illegal for any junk food supplier to use non STNP cups and wrappers. Sales of the McDonKing slowed last quarter to six WhopMacs – down from the previous quarter’s eight.

In the Lower Citizens’ Chamber, the International Socialist Anti-Mutilation League for the Liberation of Socialist Anti-Mutilationists called for a europetition to condemn the rising practice of churn-eating. The ruling No Turning Back Party said it would consider a public enquiry, but doubted if this would be well-attended as almost all the public is in The Queue.

In the EU Court of Human Rights, Hillary Clinton was found guilty of strangling the Middle East to death, but cleared on all charges of murder. She had fled to the EU in order to “be sure of getting a fair trial”. US Life President Donald Trump ordered The Queue to go round his 40-million acre estate as it was “a symptom of European decadence that makes me wanna puke”. In London, the Earl of Arcadia completed his purchase of the Russian Navy, and former pensions adviser Ros Altmann’s heart finally lost its titanic struggle against the weight of her jewellery. Boris Johnson mourned her death as “yet another example of the politics of envy destroying the blameless life of a minority”.

Madness is only funny for a while. Vote Brexit

22 thoughts on “CRASH2: This isn’t the queue for the showers, but it IS the queue for the queue.

  1. Do you realise that in HK there are more frogs than Brits? They openly admit France is truly FUVKED! Another surprise is the amount of Itites increasing monthly, I have lived here 22 years and its extremely noticeable. Oddly enough it’s not just the big banks but they can be found in bars doing, well less than interesting jobs shall I say. Quite how they are getting around the employment laws is a mystery.

    Rick Adkinson MHKSI Managing Director

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  2. Just leave. Do your job pols.
    Arbitrarily adopt European standards so that there can be no argument.
    Then cherry pick.
    Do stuff better where the EU fails to deliver.
    Show them how it should be done.

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  3. But the economic stagnation has little to do with the EU. It is caused by the industrialisation of the developing world and billions of extra people on the planet, both resulting in a diminished share of the pie for the developed world. A glimpse of life outside the EU is offered by the nations peripheral to the EU – variously suffering economic collapse, political upheaval, outside-orchestrated revolution and war.
    The shadowy forces wanting us to leave the EU want this to be the situation for the core European countries too – to turn the European peoples against each other so they can be picked off one at a time.

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  4. I am all for Brexit what worries me somewhat is I seem to be in a Tory club , which I do not like , and I worry why are the Tories so desperate to exit the EU. I feel it will not end well for normal workers but people like Sir Green yacht owner will do even better. Could someone explain to me why the Tories are “really” so keen to leave they are prepared to maybe permanently damage the “Party” .

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  5. @ Rick

    you must know the french are behind the curve but chasing down the brits way to make moneys around the world. They are in London, Hong Kong and the most world cities. The unemployment is too much in france and the imagination is very little so they have to sniff out some nice success and copying it.

    Fortin Wilhelm, DI
    Sherman-Miles-Str 5
    9100 Völkermarkt 04232 32 37

    Have a good after evening you brits. Some vodkas and tonics with ice

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  6. Just wondering if O’Barmy was just getting the troupes up to speed & on side? It rather seems to me that when things get beyond simple explanation & nothing seems to match up, the tried & trusted way of it popping out in to the real material world is to apportion Blame, be it Witches, Jews, Muslims, Blacks,Germans or Greeks. Now we can all probably see the real cause for how we got to this situation, just a pity they are all different. The pressure has been building, lines have been drawn & reinforced, so it’s probably time for some international Benthamistic style material action.

    In view of what’s been popping up, press wise, would it be too much to think it’s been decided to review FDR’s chat on February 14, 1945. There’s the new venue & most of the propaganda, time to Kick-start the military machine & start filling the money hole.

    A little bit of grooming for the New European Dachshund was in order. All the actions of the Brexit referendum would then be seen as a bit of bet hedging, in favour of the square mile & it’s, rather too ugly to my mind, public political face. Business as usual despite the votes outcome. You have to give the illusion of choice, then you can shift fault when it goes wrong.

    All speculation on my part, I’ll be watching to see what happens to the post Easter Turkey, I think there are still some problems with the old style of stuffing.

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  7. Wondering about Varoufakis and his seeming conversion to the Establishment view. He’s due to enlighten Americans tonight on a p.c. financial radio show which nearly always backs the Obama view.
    Separately, a DT article today suggests Brexit is tearing family and friends apart – the thought of the Spanish Civil War comes to mind ……

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  8. @ Gemma. Wot no nibelungen.?
    Oz MMT Economist Steve Keen reckons Australia’s going to go phut/ked. Just in time for a poss “labour govt”

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  9. I don’t wonder about Yankis Varoufakis.
    He takes the broad, “all embracing, overview”, tells it how it is, stirs it up and then backs off to watch it all go off.
    WTF do Americans need enlightening for, toward steering events in a direction that could benefit EU citizens?
    In my mind, he’s there to keep plates spinning and perform a few tricks here, when we should be looking over there.
    I see a great future for him with the IMF.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. In other news, the Saudi Arabian Intelligence Service is in secret discussions around the world to set up a back stop position of outsourced bombing partner if the Yanks finally say no to wars for oil. Despite intending to flood the world’s electricity markets with Saudi-desert generated solar power (once they’ve found a way of storing and transporting the damn stuff), the fact remains that the damn Yanks have enough deserts in southerly enough latitudes to satiate themselves on self-same solar energy, as and when the damn storage and transportation conundrums are solved. So they’re intending to tell darling old al Faisal that he can whistle what with Trump saying ‘we don’t jump for you damn A-Rabs no more!’ So he needs another belligerent bunch of government mercenaries instead……the only qualification is that they can’t be Muslims as that isn’t allowed as that would be internecine religious persecution……

    Jeremy Hunt has been given the green light to beat up the junior doctors, so long as the Conservatives come out of it smelling of roses. He will be offered the job of Permanent Secretary to the News Corporation Cabinet if he quells the Trotskyist do-gooders who all expect to live lives of Riley on £150k a year plus (well, actually it will be their spouses and children doing that as they will be working all hours to pay for the spouse’s expensive maintenance and the children’s expensive private schools, as they were shagging randy nurses as work as they didn’t have any time to get home to shag the in-residence spouse, but there we are….)

    Vladimir Putin has, it is rumoured, already lined up Jerry Hall as his next mistress once Rupert Murdoch pops his clogs, as he’s so enjoying the last cast-adrift Murdoch woman. At least, the Daily Mail says he is, so it must be true, mustn’t it?! He is secretly trying to get his agents to put the wind up Philip Green by suggesting that his wife has been cuckolding him right, left and centre for 30 years, despite him showering her with £100m in tax-exile cash to evade the UK Treasury.

    Michael Ashcroft has been doing a roaring trade selling phoney addresses for phoney companies to operate out of Belize, now that Panama’s Bull Market has come to the end of its current run. The current going rate for citizenship for dodgy lawyers trying to evade FBI agents is around £1m for a passport plus 5% of any mafia drug money that they are laundering. He is rumoured to be considering reverting to non-domiciled status, as this undercover business opportunity is far too good to waste on doing deals with HMRC…….

    Finally, it has been revealed that the true villains of the piece at the Hillsborough tragedy were all the millions of folks going to watch the snooker at the Crucible theatre in 1989, as they caused multiple hour tail-backs from all points north and west of Sheffield. The fact that the Crucible only holds about 1000 people jam packed wasn’t relevant, as at least 100,000 were sunbathing in the fountains in Sheffield in late April…….and all of them got on the road far earlier than the football fans as they needed to have their crates of beer lined up by 10am in front of the big screens (which hadn’t been invented back then…)

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  11. A friend’s son came out with an expression: “Its all WWB”. When dad asked him what WWB meant he replied: Wanky, wanky bollocks….” When I heard the President indicating that Britain would be at the back of the queue for a trade deal it was clear to me that this was a prime example of WWB. Charles Moore the former editor of the Telegraph explained it in a much more refined way when he wrote:

    “The EU has never yet, in its history, had a trade deal with America. Nor, before we joined the EEC (as it then was) in 1973, did Britain. Yet trade between the EU and the US, and British trade with America – with whom we have no trade deal – has grown, whereas British trade with the EU, despite the single market, has fallen. Doesn’t this suggest that what matters is not any trade agreement, but trade itself?”

    We have been led to; we are being lied to; we should not tolerate these liars.

    Liked by 1 person

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