MASS HORROR AS DRAGHI REDUCES ECB NEWS RATE TO ZERO

 Drageuro

ECB Boss bubble-blowing master class takes journos aback

SQUARE.JW.01There was mud, shock, fear and debt this afternoon as Il Generalissimo Ducé strong man Magico Dragqueen pulled out his big guns to fire off a record number of zeros that left journalists reeling. In one mighty salvo, Signor Dragula left the standard interest rate at 00.000000% recurring, the idiots’ rate at 00.4000000% to the nearest decimal place, and the stimulation package at €80.000000000000 billion.

CEO of Wall Street firm Griede Isbigge Potados Zak Potados told Boombust TV anchor babe Barny Gabbler, “Nobody but nobody expected that many noughts to get notched up so nonchalantly, it like so nixed us given its nonsequential numeration there….I suspect we’ll see some nostalgia for normalcy in the nought-to-nothing space that won’t be negligible going forward”.

Former Fed Treasurer Alan Bedpan nodded in agreement, adding “I guess it’s gonna take a while for, you know, analysts to zero in on the zeros, getting their heads down on the due diligence in order to give us some kind of heads up on the sheer level of nominal vacuity involved given the volativverdee on the trading floors…..In a way you know, this decision speaks volumes for the delivery of nothing in such a voluminous manner.”

But some financial commentators were expecting much less.

“Let’s face it,” said Barebull Schittsacks Chair Boyd Finkslime, “diss wuzz juss anudda case of Mario talkin’ de walk widdout walkin’ de plank. Dat Eyetalian can’t be twusted. What we need bigtime right now is lenders bein’ forced to pay as a means of gettin’ into safe havens an’ facking up dat wiseassed Nip Abe. But all we get from dis bum is a Goddamn noughtathon. He needs to grow a pair, yerr know whadd I’m sayin’ here?”

Referring at a press conference later to the possibility of the UK leaving the EU, Signor Dramaqueen told newsmen, “As for the risk of Brexit affecting the stability of the euro zone, the assessment of our staff is that the effect will be limited, and the opinion of the eurogroupe is that crucifixion is too good for them”.

Earlier at The Slog: The euroarmy that was unthinkable has arrived

9 thoughts on “MASS HORROR AS DRAGHI REDUCES ECB NEWS RATE TO ZERO

  1. ‘ Griede Isbigge Potados Zak Potados’
    Oh, has Fat Benny re-appeared on the scene? I had hoped he was eating himself to death somewhere quiet…

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  2. He ate the Turkish Ambassador Kfc. It was the end of his career. Shame really: it was the only useful thing he’s ever done.

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  3. “I suspect we’ll see some nostalgia for normalcy in the nought-to-nothing space that won’t be negligible going forward”.
    wait until I stop laughing to post. good, I remembered this time.

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  4. Dam my Monty Python sketch as been kaputed by the Government getting into Steel,A ship is sunk in a war and the government ask for a cease fire while they salvage the ship,smelt it down and reform the steel and ship before declaring war again!

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