ECB Boss bubble-blowing master class takes journos aback
There was mud, shock, fear and debt this afternoon as Il Generalissimo Ducé strong man Magico Dragqueen pulled out his big guns to fire off a record number of zeros that left journalists reeling. In one mighty salvo, Signor Dragula left the standard interest rate at 00.000000% recurring, the idiots’ rate at 00.4000000% to the nearest decimal place, and the stimulation package at €80.000000000000 billion.
CEO of Wall Street firm Griede Isbigge Potados Zak Potados told Boombust TV anchor babe Barny Gabbler, “Nobody but nobody expected that many noughts to get notched up so nonchalantly, it like so nixed us given its nonsequential numeration there….I suspect we’ll see some nostalgia for normalcy in the nought-to-nothing space that won’t be negligible going forward”.
Former Fed Treasurer Alan Bedpan nodded in agreement, adding “I guess it’s gonna take a while for, you know, analysts to zero in on the zeros, getting their heads down on the due diligence in order to give us some kind of heads up on the sheer level of nominal vacuity involved given the volativverdee on the trading floors…..In a way you know, this decision speaks volumes for the delivery of nothing in such a voluminous manner.”
But some financial commentators were expecting much less.
“Let’s face it,” said Barebull Schittsacks Chair Boyd Finkslime, “diss wuzz juss anudda case of Mario talkin’ de walk widdout walkin’ de plank. Dat Eyetalian can’t be twusted. What we need bigtime right now is lenders bein’ forced to pay as a means of gettin’ into safe havens an’ facking up dat wiseassed Nip Abe. But all we get from dis bum is a Goddamn noughtathon. He needs to grow a pair, yerr know whadd I’m sayin’ here?”
Referring at a press conference later to the possibility of the UK leaving the EU, Signor Dramaqueen told newsmen, “As for the risk of Brexit affecting the stability of the euro zone, the assessment of our staff is that the effect will be limited, and the opinion of the eurogroupe is that crucifixion is too good for them”.