OFFICIAL: Brexitosis ‘firmly under control thanks to new Government booklet’ says Hunt

protandsurvSo great is the danger to all Britons faced by the possibility of Grexit, the Government’s media advisor Mr Clinton Slobsby has recommended a booklet be sent to every household in the UK explaining what to do in the event of chemical warfare being used to spread the deadly Russian-made virus Brexitosis.

Featuring a foreword by Chemical Ali Campbell stressing the need to avoid oddball gaggles at every opportunity, the new and extensively-researched update of the original Protect & Survive gives an encyclopaedic insight into all the ways loyal EU citizens can stick with the project and thus lead us all towards a famous Pyrrhic Victory.

The following are “must do’s”, the Government stresses:

  1. Avoid contact with other citizens on the internet, especially if they are from Greece, Portugal, Spain, Italy, Hungary, the Ukraine, Poland or Russia. Brexitosis is directly transmitted through electronic pulses hidden within propaganda from these rebellious terrorists.
  2. Avoid going round to see friends for dinner without first gaining an assurance from them that they are committed to voting Remain. Vote Leave agitators often put secret brain synapse-altering chemicals developed in Moscow into the food, leaving EU loyalists powerless to resist putting a cross next to ‘Leave’.
  3. If a Brexitosis spore-attack siren goes off, go immediately inside, take all the doors off their hinges, jump into a binbag and hide under a door until you hear the All-Clear. You will immediately recognise this as the voice of Jeremy Tai Ping Erra saying ‘It is safe to go and Vote Remain I have done nothing wrong and I love the NHS’.
  4. Do not read newspapers such as the Daily Express or sites like The Slog. The special ink they use can make you go blind within a week, and once the Russian invasion of Europe starts you will be defenceless and a burden to your fellow-citizens.
  5. Listen intently to every speech Mr Corbyn makes in defence of the European Union.
  6. Ignore everything Mr Corbyn says about nuclear defence, because he is a swivel-eyed Loon whose emotional brain was neutralised following a bizarre incident involving Mr Putin and an umbrella.
  7. Watch Bloomberg’s special channel devoted to this subject, Why Britain will sink & everyone will drown if Brexit wins.
  8. Be vigilant and keep an eye out for roaming hordes of £36 billion black holes  deliberately launched from Vodka palaces moored off Cyprus by Brexitists bankrolled by Vladimir Putin.
  9. Follow the democratic example of Mr Recep Erdogan by proclaiming death to Islamophobia in all its forms and declaring passionate loyalty to NATO.
  10. Ward off potential possession by Brexidemons – use tried and tested Shappsorcist, only £448.95 from all good pharmacists displaying the sign “Stay Alive – Vote Remain” outside their premises.

Remember: all Leavers are delusional, selfish, old, thick Nazi paedophiles with crazy ideas about eugenics, alchemy and Brussels conspiracies. Stick with the Top Ten tips above, and stay with those who value science over ignorance.

Earlier at The Slog: Camerlot’s unique dose of QE Remain stimulation

11 thoughts on “OFFICIAL: Brexitosis ‘firmly under control thanks to new Government booklet’ says Hunt

  1. Only on May 1st government paid scientist aren’t allowed to have a opinion that contradicts there pay masters,so privatising independent research results! by all means publish your findings but if Mr Hunt wants to misintrepid them! then you do not undermine him! by pointing out the truth!

    Like

  2. Seeing the Protect and Survive booklet again, reminds me of a flier back in the 70s/80s going around the office, in the event of a Nuclear War with Russia.

    Upon observing the mushroom cloud

    1. Quickly bend over grasping the back of your knees.

    2. Stick your head between your legs.

    3. Kiss your arse goodbye!

    Like

  3. Seeing the Protect and Survive booklet again, reminds me of a flier back in the 70s/80s going around the office, in the event of a Nuclear War with Russia.

    Upon observing the mushroom cloud

    1. Quickly bend over grasping the back of your knees.

    2. Stick your head between your legs.

    3. Kiss your arse goodbye!

    Like

  4. I wonder why, with all obvious and overt absolute desparation in Cameron et al. for the UK to remain in the EU, that it doesn’t ring any alarm bells in those that aren’t quite sure..or even those that are sure, the POTUS, the Pope, FFS, Uncle Tom Cobley and all, are displaying near paranoia at the thought of us leaving, that alone worries me….

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Only the elites KNOW how REALLY badly f*kced and indebted this country is. They tell us the opposite, but safety in numbers is uppermost in their minds. That, and the 2 lumps of lard between their legs replaced hard testosterone gristle many years ago.

    Like

  6. Since it’s now clear the DT has joined “the conspiracy” by abolishing all comments on every article, conveniently timed to coincide with their new format, I propose bombarding them with complaints to let them know we know what they’re up to, either at:

    websitefeedback@telegraph.co.uk.
    Chris Evans, Editor, The Telegraph
    Or –
    digitalservices@telegraph.co.uk
    Or –
    “call our free helpline on 0800 316 3500, or for outside the UK 0044 1622 33 5007. Our representatives are available to take your call, Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm and Saturday 9am to 1pm.”

    Like

  7. Toe. You give them to much credit for thinkinf they once owned testosterone. I think all they ever had was Tosstesterone…….

    Like

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