NATO was said to be on Defcom4 red alert this evening as a suspicious column of Septic Tanks made its way across Poland. Sources close to the matter told The Slog that NATO C-in-C Milhaus ‘Banky’ Wollocks III was convinced this represented a stealth invasion of the freedom-loving People’s European Peace Bunion, and was orchestrated by evil Russian Unorthodox monk Vladismear Rasputin, with choreography by Gene Kelly, costumes by Larry Germain, and make-up by Sydney Guilaroff.
The Molotov Mark VII Septic Tank can deliver 3 kilos of the deadly Anoraks microbe per minute Central European Time, and climb the Eiger’s north face while remaining invisible. There is no known antidote, dozy dote or even little lambsy divey.
But Polish export entrepreneur Stipuhl Moka insisted that the consignment was simply seven septic tanks held together with kotlet schabowy and the very highest quality Barszcz biały money could buy.
“The French septic tank,” Stipuhl stipulated, “eez sheet, no good, zero. Whereas Polish septic tank can spray hectare of land weeth sheet, half an hour. So demand is huge, we export in convoy. Simples”.
The Hankypanky Swanky Banky Cokey (HSBC) former CEO and part-time Tube Station Baron Green has announced his decision to stop being a Tube Station “because it represents a conflict of indifference when compared to my day job as UK Overseas Trade Minister with special powers to appoint whoever I like at UK public broadcaster the Benign Bollocks Castrati, or BBC”.
Venting his fury at the decision, acting Labour Party leader Jurassic Hasbyn said that Green’s “typically cavalier decision” would “actively encourage the genocidal policies of fundamentalist roundheads based in Newscorp-on-Wapping”. Mr Wastebyn demanded that somebody somewhere should start up a petition. Aroused by the call to radical action, unemployed Potnoodle quality-controller and amateur poet Penny Fodargy penned this searing satire on contemporary commercial values:
Baron Green is very mean, he’s rich and I am poor
This seems to me a bit unfair and so I’m calling for
All nasty nettles in the fields to up their roots and sing
“Keep the station open or you’ll feel my itchy sting”
Leading Labour spin-nurse Harricot Blancmange later told Sky News that she had rarely been so moved by poetry; “Penny recited it to me,” she recalled, “and I immediately moved to Kazackstan”.