ANALYSIS: Why Credit is taking the Suisse, and Newscorp is taking a hit

murdtiane

We’re busy doing nothing, having a lovely time

I’ve just realised why no bankers ever go to jail, and if a bank goes op-lah, its never their fault. This is because the CEO wasn’t kept informed about what his evil underlings were doing, but the underlings were only obeying orders, your honour. And if only the regulators had left them all alone, it would’ve all been hunky-dory.

This seems to have been the case at Credit Suisse, where relative newboy Tidjane Thiam explained a quarter-billion write-off in Q1 2016 (and it isn’t even over yet) by saying he’d been ‘blindsided’ and this was unacceptable. That he was being paid $2m a year not to have that happen didn’t come up at the press conference; but that won’t have been his fault either, because apparently nobody else on the Board knew anything.

But the fact that they didn’t know was due to “a culture of make returns at all costs”, and of course they played no part at all in creating that culture, dear me no: it was the regulators who caused that: according to Bloomberg, ‘Thiam defended the bank’s credit and securitized products units that he said are viewed negatively as “ugly ducklings” because they require so much capital under new rules introduced since the financial crisis.’

I mean, how stupid of the regulators to demand better capital back up when banks are being perfectly well run by CEOs in the dark; fellow directors who don’t set the culture, and maverick traders who lie to their bosses? For goodness sake. Dan Hannan is right: things would be so much better without regulators.

If your life savings are being ‘invested’ for you in this Suisse Roll, I imagine you’ll be a gnats nervous this morning, but nihil desperandum squire, because in Q4 2015, Mr Thiam oversaw nearly half a billion in losses, so Q1 2016 represents a 100% improvement. However, having overseen it, the CEO overlooked it this week, showing just how modest this Leader of Men is.

But the history of banking has always been like this. When told that his bank HSBC had been laundering cocaine money on an industrial scale for years, Chairman and part-time Tube Station Baron Green said he knew nothing about it “because an international bank must always have Chinese Walls”. His Lordship was, you see, happy to take the munnneeee, but not the responsibility. Now he runs the BBC and UK overseas trade, by the way.

In 2008, Adam Applegarth the CEO of demutualised Northern Rock bank was piling on market share by offering higher savings rates than anyone else. He did it by buying money on the wholesale markets which were abnormally cheap at the time. When the rates went up, Northern Rock went down. “My advice was that rates would be low well into the future,” he said afterwards, “and in that context it was a perfectly viable business strategy”. Ah, so it was the advisers then. Please sir, not me sir.

A forensic accountant of my acquaintance told me three years ago that he could go into any bank at any time, high leverage or low, diversified or niche, and with a few exceptions (as in, three across the entire planet) he could guarantee going to the Board after a month or two and saying, “this xyz unit is a disaster waiting to happen”. The Board would nod politely, pay his fee promptly, and then carry on with Business as Usual.

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But no bank in the world anywhere – with the possible exception of Monte dei Peische -can hold a light to the natural swerving movements of senior Newscorpse management when it comes to the money and power takeout and the responsibility plugin. So I’m sure all seekers after Truth everywhere will be delighted to hear that the Turdloch Tabloids have just reported a £253m loss, and nobody is to blame.

You see, the loss can all be put down to declining print sales in general across the market,  continuing fallout from the phone hacking unpleasantness, £50m paid in costs to victims of a now defunct News of the World, professional fees related to its Management and Standards Committee, the costs of cooperating fully with police officers, and of course the volatile national print advertising market. None of this was anyone’s fault.

It wasn’t the fault of the senile old dingo at the top, because as he showed in his phone hacking testimony, he can’t remember what species he is, and anyway he’s far too busy shagging a woman half his age and twice his height to be concerned with the day to day business of having people murdered and so forth. Anyway, why would a bitter old convict be so unwilling to share his journalists work that he’d put paywalls round them and thus make the situation worse? That would just be silly.

It was nothing to do with his sexually unclear son James, because he was otherwise engaged in paying large sums to FA officials, but his staff never told him why he was doing it, which was quite unacceptable. And it was definitely nothing to do with Rebekah Brooks, because she was found guilty of not having any emails left, and that is not a criminal offence. We know that a lot of the evil things were done by renegade Andy Coulson (who was shagging Ms Brooks at the time) but he left the Group years ago and served seven minutes in jail.

There are one or two rumours that Jimmy Savile might have had something to do with it, but he was very busy grooming a nation and shagging cadavers, so one suspects his role was probably negligible too. And wicked voices here and there mutter that Piers Morgan taught Ms Brooks how to hack into mobile phone messages, but Piers flatly denies ever doing that or playing tapes of Paul McCartney at Christmas parties. So it obviously wasn’t him either.

No, you only have to look at where the munnneeee went: on paying off the false testimony of so-called victims, lawyers’ fees, private detectives, police dinners, circulatory disease, accountants and feckless advertising agencies. It was all their fault.

newscorplogo

Yesterday at The Slog: 600,000 Whitehall Fatties & an Osborne funeral

25 thoughts on “ANALYSIS: Why Credit is taking the Suisse, and Newscorp is taking a hit

  1. The Slog is to be congratulated for taking such a mature (think cheese) attitude to the plight of these poor, yet obscenely wealthy, scions of financial turpitude. We should be grateful for the existence of such animal species as canis dementia australis dingo because, as any biologist know, nature abhors a vacuum when there are so many suckers.

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  2. Just as in the U.S., the corruption of the UK establishment is now so deeply entrenched that for the oligarchs and their minions, justice and the rule of law are simply chimera. It has become clear that such highly-placed figures are above the law. If by some oversight, or because the criminality has become too blatant to ignore, any of these criminals is charged, the PTB, (the intelligence/military/banker/corporate complex) have enough dirt on everyone tasked with reining them in that they can suborn or threaten those tasked with administrating any justice. People who had contact with the Turdoch within days of his ‘muddled’ evidence to the Parliamentary committee describe him as being sharp as a tack during business meetings. They are taking the piss on a grand scale, and until the system breaks they will continue to do so.

    It is instructive to view what happened to those prosecutors who attempted to bring the vile Epstein and Ghislane Maxwell to book for their abuse of teenage girls on paedophile island. When your friends and co-offenders include (allegedly) Bill Clinton, Prince Andrew and Alan Dershowitz, you clearly have little to fear. (I also find it interesting that Gawker published a (mainly) unredacted list of Epsteins contacts, and is now threatened with bankruptcy.)

    http://gawker.com/here-is-pedophile-billionaire-jeffrey-epsteins-little-b-1681383992

    The video recently posted on these threads, ‘The Veneer of Justice in a Kingdom of Crime’ is also worth watching for an insight into the way modern ‘justice’ works.

    It is not a new thought by any means, (the poster Radical Marijuana on Zerohedge has been writing about it for years), but the actions of our controlled governments are becoming indistinguishable from those of an organised crime group. We can make you rich, or we can make you dead. I believe the last U.K. PM to retire and not shortly afterwards become a millionaire was James Callahan. That speaks volumes about the priorities of those nominally in charge of our ‘democracy’.

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  3. I don’t think you need to look any further than the fact that it’s a rubbish product. They could only make money under the pre-internet media cartel that lied to and betrayed its readers.

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  4. When I were a lad , if your company made a loss of these sizes , you went bust, someone bought your assets for a pittance, took over your customers, and the merry go round went on. Often as a result of the famous clogs to clogs in three generations. Now a days you can post earth shattering losses year after year and still carry on trading , particularly if your business involves moving electronically created money around or you are a country.

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  5. Should have “Health & Safety” & “Trading Standards” involved with all these “Theories”. For something as insubstantial as an Idea, they seem to be very dangerous. As far as I can find out they have been killing large numbers of people throughout pretty much the whole of known History. Even with the “Give Away” free ones you end up having to pay for updates & from what I can tell they seem to be less than fit for purpose.

    Don’t invest in them! Do what I & a lot of others are starting to do, knit your own!

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  6. “…and anyway he’s far too busy shagging a woman half his age and twice his height….”

    You mean there;s more than one Bernie Ecclestone?!

    DavidC

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  7. But apart from that everything is all right isn’t it? Oh, I forgot about that Clinton / Trump thong. Oh well, back into the bunker!

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  8. I recall when the banking debacle kicked off , when interveiwed, the first words the chairman of the FSA uttered were ” none of this is covered by criminal law” . They made bloody sure their misdemeanours were fail safe..

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  9. @ j stocks. Most extraordinary Graun puff piece (pro eu & v v pro Boris4pm) by some dubious ukrainian f.o.b (friend of Boris). Think c.p. scott’s churning in his urn/grave?

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  10. Anyone remember Patrick McGoohan’s “The Prisoner”?

    I think we ought to rename the Graun the Tally Ho!

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  11. I think of Mr.X in the movie JFK.

    “Well, that’s the real question, isn’t it? Why? The ‘How’ and the ‘Who’ is just scenery for the public. Oswald, Ruby, Cuba, the Mafia, keeps ’em guessing like some kind of parlor game. Prevents ’em from asking the most important question: Why? Why was Kennedy killed? Who benefited? Who has the power to cover it up? Who?…

    The organizing principle of any society, Mr. Garrison, is for war. The authority of the state over its people resides in its war powers. And Kennedy wanted to end the Cold War in his second term. He wanted to call off the moon race in favor of cooperation with the Soviets. He signed a treaty with the Soviets to ban nuclear testing. He refused to invade Cuba in 1962 and he set out to withdraw from Vietnam. But all of that ended on the 22nd of November, 1963. As early as 1961, they knew Kennedy was not going to war in Southeast Asia. Like Caesar, he is surrounded by enemies and something’s underway, but it has no face. Yet everybody in the loop knows…

    Everything is cellularized. No one has said, ‘He must die.’ There’s been no vote. Nothing’s on paper. There’s no one to blame. It’s as old as the crucifixion. A military firing squad: five bullets, one blank. No one’s guilty, because everyone in the power structure who knows anything has a plausible deniability. There are no compromising connections except at the most secret point. But what’s paramount is that it must succeed. No matter how many die, no matter how much it costs, the perpetrators must be on the winning side and never subject to prosecution for anything by anyone. That is a coup d’état….

    (Garrison: “I don’t, I can’t – I can’t believe they killed him because he wanted to change things. In our time. In our country.”)
    Well, they’ve been doing it all through history. Kings are killed, Mr. Garrison. Politics is power, nothing more! Oh, don’t take my word for it, don’t believe me. Do your own work, your own thinkin’….
    (Garrison: “The size of this is beyond me. Testify…Testify.”)
    No chance in hell. No, I’d be arrested and gagged, maybe sent to an institution, maybe worse, you too. I can give you the background, but you have to find the foreground, the little things. Keep digging. Remember, you’re the only person to bring a trial in the murder of John Kennedy. That’s important, it’s historic…
    (Garrison: “I haven’t yet. I don’t have much of a case.”)
    You don’t have a choice anymore. You’ve become a significant threat to the national security structure. They would have killed you already but you got a lot of light on you. Instead, they’re trying to destroy your credibility. They already have in many circles in this town. Be honest. Your only chance is to come up with a case. Something. Anything. Make arrests. Stir the s–t storm. Hope to reach a point of critical mass that’ll start a chain reaction of people coming forward. Then the government’ll crack. Remember, fundamentally, people are suckers for the truth, and the truth is on your side, Bubba. I just hope you get a break.”

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  12. Surely this Juffali is a Muslim, and therefore under current British civil law, is allowed 4 wives; he’ s not even obliged to divorce the previous one, though she might very much desire it. Since Britain has over 100 Sharia courts, divorce being one of the civil states these courts can arbitrate on, I’m not sure why he wouldn’t simply take advantage of this, especially as they are said to treat women as inferior to men.

    Will Britain ever, in the foreseeable future, under any imagined régime, be able to abolish these Sharia courts, or will they just continue to propagate?

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  13. @Paul Morphy
    You forgot to mention JFK was also planning to abolish the Federal Reserve, possibly an even more implacable enemy than the war machine.

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  14. This is a very intelligent comment. I too think Dallas was a coup d’état, but the plotters were incredibly lucky: the bullet that actually killed Kennedy was a genuine accident.
    As he left on Air Force 1 the night before, JFK said on the steps to Ted Sorenson, “We need to get one thing in Indo China Ted”. “What’s that, Mr President?” Sorenson asked.
    “The f**k out,” Kennedy replied.

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  15. @Paul Morphy

    Excellent quote, thank you. I must watch JFK again.

    Garrison was indeed smeared as a mob-connected disinformation agent by many in the MSM, but the truth is, his actions threatened to expose the entire Deep State plot, and but for a couple of ‘unfortunate accidents’ that took his prime witnesses, he might just have succeeded.

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  16. Sky’s new strategy for football is a celebrity blonde bimbo. Forget the football, what we are told to want is being celebrity groupies.

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