Today being World Puppy Day, the Slime Canister David Cameron has decreed a public holiday to celebrate 70 Glorious Years of sniffing Washington’s bumhole. In particular, there will be a special memorial crossbench service to mark the success of Gundog Backbench MPs’ devoted loyalty to any madcap scheme their owners come up with involving bombing Gyppos, health service software, trains that go faster to where you don’t want to go, and negotiating the right to half-day closing on Wednesdays with Polish Elephant tusks based in Brussels.
Each Cabinet snarler’s breed and pedigree will be recorded, and released on a special 2-disc CD set to be released on the His Master’s Voice label, entitled The Very Best of Bloodhound Gang.
Wear your Puppy with Pride. You know it makes sense*
*Because if you don’t, we’ll have you put down
In an unexpected shock unforeseen poll released last night, it emerged that – after months of deadlock – the EU political group pressing for secession from the British Empire has opened up a four-point lead over its main rival.
Despite the endless fear-mongering of the Brussels Unified Perfidious Albion (BUPA) tendency, it now looks like the Brussels Radical Extremist Xenophobic Internationalist Troika (BREXIT) is the new front runner in the race to declare independence from Britain, and go it alone as a 27-nation SuperState united by one eternal currency, the eurovision.
Speaking on the wireless tonight to her millions of subjects throughout Continental Foreignerland, Queen Lilliput II expressed concern at “the direction our European Commonwealth is taking, most notably in the small City State of Bankfurt-sur-Merde… where the notorious Count Draghula of Crypton remains a thorn in the side of every Impiratrice, however modest She may be”.
In a move guaranteed to increase geopolitical tensions, maverick Admiral Lord Corbyn announced this afternoon that his entire Labour fleet would be undergoing intensive navel exercises off the coast of Waspinia.
Seeking to reassure the Internecine community, Admiral Corbyn declared that he had “no interest at all in Waspinia pension tension intervention, until such time as any of our core strategic interests such as Venezuelan bicycle mutilation and Australian Crocodile Liberation are threatened. This is purely a routine training mission in the art of bellybutton examination and the study of dark anal places”.
Welcoming this usefully arcane reassurance, fundamentalist Amputee Torturer General Gorge Unborne told startled passing strangers that he had once helped an old tortoise across the road, but would rather chew stained glass windows than give in to the insane terror of WASPI suicide destitutes.
Stalwart Labour multifaceted blancmange Andy Burnboats was quick to come to Admiral Corbyn’s defence. “I’m sure he’s doing the right thing,’ he averred, “and if he isn’t, is this a dagger I see before me?”