BUDGET: Today’s Osbollocks in full

First out of the blocks, The Slog puts into words what George Osborne just said

“Right honourable friends and members, Mr Deputy Speaker
Due to unexpected clouds, headwinds, downpours, floods, locusts, plagues of boils and other completely unforseen problems in the global economy, our long term economic plan (which is and always will be still working) has been blown ever so slightly off course and so in this budget – while I can announce some tax relief for the harder working members of Open for Business Britain – it will be necessary (and not before time, I might add) for those with the longest history of living wild and free off the State to contribute more to the needs of those working hardest to keep Britain leading the world.”
Cries of “Hurrah!” and “Starve the scrounging bitch-bastards!”
“Accordingly, today your Government is introducing a world-class new level playing field, Collecting Reverse Accumulated Claim Knockoffs, or CRACK. Ever since our Great Leader Baroness Handbag began the revolution which continues today, those lucky enough to benefit from the free enterprise advantages she brought in the wake of that unaparalleled act of bravery have nevertheless had to pay for such universal advantages to be afforded.
Before 1979, however, those born in the late 1940s under the jackboot of Bevanite Communism were quite happy to benefit from free school milk, free education, free dentistry, free University grants, free council housing, free medical prescriptions and free love.
Those of us who have always had to pay for such things as sex and drugs – now times are harder thanks to the incontinent spending of Mr Gordon McBoombust – naturally find this situation a hard one to swallow without appropriate nasal surgery. And while we One Elite Conservatives reject the idea of vindictive retribution, harsh times call for desperate revenge when an economic policy is still working very hard to deliver anything it promised, despite Britain still growing faster than any other advanced economy in Luxembourg.”
Loud shouts of “Hear bloody hear!” and “Squeeze their goolies George!”
“This, my fellow Britons, is a Budget giving all the People who have paid for the success of Thatcherism the satisfaction of seeing that vindicated investment cost finally shared out equably among those of us who are, let’s be clear about this, all in the same Gin Palace together.

In a Top Secret operation leaked only to the Daily Telegraph during the last month, officials at the DWP, Treasury and HSBC have worked their fingers to the bone and beyond to prepare the launch of CRACK.

I can now announce to the house that the full cost of giving lazy baby-boomer long-haired VD-ridden hippies the freedom to live a life free from the expensive Eton fees, Oxbridge bribes and Lloyds of London membership costs that crippled the rest of us comes to a truly obscene £1.65 trillion, which by an odd coincidence is also the National Debt which as you all know I finally managed to pay off just before the last General Election.

Taking the unduly privileged survivors of all those born between 1945 and 1951 until Anno Maggi 1979, under Equality of Opportunity rights conferred by the European Court of Human Rights to which all Brexiters would of course be denied access, the total cost per person comes to £165,000.

In their post tomorrow, these criminal embezzlers will receive – with the full grace of 24 hours notice – a tax demand for this sum which, with interest charged at the All-Party agreed rate and taking the inflation we all strive for into account, comes to £613,048.09p each.”

Lusty bestial growls of “Serve the freeloaders right!” and “Treble whiskies all round!”

“I can announce to you now that this would at a stroke wipe out 91% of our debt liabilities, but I believe Britain’s entrepreneurial future must come first. Accordingly, National Insurance Tax will be abolished for the self-employed. At the same time, the Government is setting up a fund – which the philanthropes of the European Commission will match € for £ – to be known as the Safer Together Reform Group (2016) Ltd. This shall – under a completely objective UN-observed process – consider awarding all EU citizens based in Britain who Vote Stay a one-off grant of £27,000.

But my far-sighted generosity in this regard must come at a price, for there is no such thing, under Treasury Notice 67.A/bbbIOU, as a free lunch unless the meal was shared with a financial services exporter and/or a senior HSBC executive.

So it is that some small economically neutral tax changes will be required. Henceforth therefore, all British citizens with blond hair with deep voices aged under 45 who were not educated at St Pauls and have no relatives called Loxton-Peacock will be surcharged on their 2016-17 tax assessment.

This, Mr Deputy Speaker, is a Budget that will eradicate the British age of Debt, and deliver a Britain strong enough to weather the storms that unexpectedly occur by the next time I rise to speak….and I thus commend it to the House”.

Synchronised yells of “We are saved!”, “Good old Neville!”, “Wealth in our time” etc etc.

From the Slog archives: A Caligula for our times

20 thoughts on “BUDGET: Today’s Osbollocks in full

  1. So soon. One might think that it was prepared in advance in that beautiful faux-liberal PR(NK) way you do so well. Damn, if only I had access to those PR d-notices.

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  2. He could have raised well over a billion pounds per year simply by legitimising cannabis, look at Colorado, their education system is awash with cash because theybring fenced the duty raised.

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  3. Old solutions for old problems.

    Rinse and repeat …….

    1920s/2000s – high inequality, high banker pay, low regulation, low taxes for the wealthy, robber barons (CEOs), globalisation phase

    1929/2008 – Wall Street crash

    1930s/2010s – Global recession, currency wars, rising nationalism and extremism

    It’s Keynes time.

    Unfettered capitalism always plays out the same way no matter how you dress it up.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Taking Osborne figures the 96% or wealth pays 28% of all tax,so the 4% of wealth pays 72% of all tax taken,and he then loads the tax cuts on the side of the 96% there obviously feel they’re paying to much,
    the isa is the only good measure but the 4% will struggle to take any advantage of it,but i do think he could have included waspa into the equation,but by the time it is stretched out to all it will be to late

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  5. Try again using Osborne’s figures 28% of all tax comes from the 96% of wealth owners therefore the 4% are paying 72% of the tax,he then loads one side of the tax burden with more tax and reduces the tax burden on the other side of the equation,narratively sounds great until you realise he loaded the dice the wrong way
    I do think the ISA idea is good although i don;t think it can be taken up to the level needed for their future good & also i think it should have been for everyone because it could have aided waspa and NI is stopped which doesn’t help SME above 40yrs old at all

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  6. Mmmm, a sugar tax eh? Bigger men than him have tried that, Clinton being one of them, all it took was one phone call apparently and Clinton dropped the idea, never to be spoken of again.
    If he has ‘permission’ for such a move I would be surprised, if he doesn’t have permission, he, himself might find himself suprised.

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  7. Osborne obviously isn’t including China (a host of countries really) when is assumption of our growth(not actual) being the best in the world

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  8. I would chuckle like f%^k if the deal was £27,000 for everybody who voted to stay, because I would be so taking the p*ss after, really I would.Tomorrow my dear boy after you have received your 27K as a bribe the BOE would inflate the money supply by 10x for every taker on the £27K rendering you worse off. That is what the bank tricksters do …

    Forgot it was the budget … I will look but I wonder why I should bother, it will only be bad for me as it always has been for 50+ years! Be okay for you if you are one of the politicians preferred groups of people.

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  9. Apart from handing a sweetener to those who see sugary drinks as a threat to corporeal austerity, it’s business as usual…….. survival of the fattest.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. @Roobeedoo2

    Theresa May’s cleavage is a far greater distraction, but for looks (and good taste), I much prefer the Matrix girl in the red dress.

    Then again, if you’ve felt an amorous attraction to Diane Abbot, there’s really no accounting for taste !

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  11. @kfc

    Port maybe, but pert they aren’t.. an entire Alpine Rescue team and their St Bernard died in there not long ago, the inquest concluded that lack of oxygen and exceptionally low temperatures were significant factors.. (snigger);)

    Liked by 4 people

  12. Every since I was ten years old, that would be 1957. I have listened to this same bollocks, first on black and white TV then in colour, from all politicians, From you have never had it so good. mc million £, to Hume £. Wilson £. Callahan £. Thatch the latch key kid £ Sargent Mager £. Trains will be better privatised. On an on it goes, you would thinks the sheeple would have work it out by now. Not f..king likely, the next one is going to be Nobhead, no relation to me. I am 69 this year it is like watch BBC repeats.

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  13. Nobby, things are really a great deal better than in the 1950’s. But relatively, we are still a sick economy. Why? We spend too much for our level of productivity, exports etc.

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  14. I never thought I would see the day when any government would make policies which would lead to mass deaths amongst the most vulnerable members of society. Knowingly. In a premeditated and calculated way.

    But more than that, I never thought I would live to see the day when the people of this country would let them.

    Baroness Meacher, in the house of Lords, expressed the hope that the Lords woulds would monitor the increased death-rate due to starvation, exposure, neglect, homelessness and suicide caused by these ‘owsteridee’ measures.

    There will be angry mobs. There will be burning and looting.

    C3

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  15. Putting a ‘levy’ on sugar in soft drinks, but not for instance on sugar added to a cup of tea, is plainly liable to be challenged in court. Our political masters from both Labour and the Conservatives are all handicapped by the narrow vista of Oxford PPE.

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