When taking the credit is taking the piss

I wonder if, like me, you get fed up of braindead corporate PR (a) taking the credit for something they aren’t doing at all, and/or (b) pretending their motive for doing something is other than cynically commercial?

I have no problem at all with commercial disciplines: the fact that banks lack them is 50+% of the reason why we are in this depth of poo today. But transparently feeble attempts to suggest a philanthropic dimension really are risible.

“We’re charging you for supermarket bags to save the environment”. No you aren’t, you’re charging because it raises your overall margin.

“We hedge to ensure that our advice to you is always impartial”. No you don’t, you hedge to ensure you don’t go bust.

“We’re working with you to cut the cost of living”. No you aren’t, you’re screwing suppliers and gradually putting the small producer out of business.

“It’s finger-lickin’ good”. No it isn’t, it largely comprises the arse-ends of water-pumped battery chickens.

“We love parcels” No you don’t, you crave the money you can make by ignoring difficult destinations and firing postmen.

And no, I am not the former adman turning on my community. I’m the ashamed adman watching the sociopathy of my heirs who lack any and all graces.


One Chinese official says to an audience of adoring Party robots that the Chinese economy will be stimulated out of recession, and the value of iron ore as a commodity goes through the roof. Unprecedented cuts in oil production are announced, and crude oil’s bbl value shoots up 15%.

As the saying goes, “When you’re drowning, any God will do”.

But wouldn’t it be wonderful – if only for one day – to have the power to move markets via the medium of a nod and a wink?

John Ward farts: Bowel anti-spasmodic futures leap

John Ward constipated: prune sales double

John Ward ‘feeling his age’: anti-wrinkle cream shares spike

This coming Thursday, Mario Dragula will once more emerge from his coffin deep in the bowels of the ECB building in Bankfurt to tell us all (yet again) how he’ll do whatever it takes to put off the evil moment when he accepts that, whatever it takes, it isn’t going to make a blind bit of difference. But his every utterance will make the difference between short-term profit and catastrophic loss for millions of people.

Nobody should have that much power, and accept so little responsibility for exercising it.


On a brighter note, my sloe hedges are in blossom, and the Meteo says that, from next Saturday, we shall be getting 16°C and sun. Spring be a-comin’.

Percy and Pam pigeon have started to frolic, the squirrels are dancing on my roof, bright green nettle leaves are gagging to be harvested for soup, and even Orange seems to be waking up from its winter hibernation.

From here onwards, anything is possible.

Earlier at The Slog: the speculator and the spike – a morality tale for our times