EXCLUSIVE: Human soul to become new World Currency

Tonight, in a Universe-encompassing multicultural scoop, The Slog can reveal that governments, religious leaders, and G20 Nations across the World have agreed in principle to the installation of the Soul as the global currency.

Rumours of the move were given credence after France gave its second highest national honour to Crown Prince Mohammed bin Naif of Saudi Arabia during a visit to Paris, eight weeks after France condemned bin Knife’s personal execution of 780,000 Saudi women who put their husband’s dinner on the table five minutes late.

Slog sources close to the action tell me that only minor details now need to be ironed out before the move can go ahead.

“There is still doubt among a few non-violent Godless extremists about whether the Soul exists or not,” said Mammon Incorporated Head of Abstract Investments Hank Tulip, “but they are being gradually persuaded by the concept of the new currency being backed by the Vatican, and the likelihood of everyone making fucking humungous amounts of money with which they can buy gold”.

Other sources, however, suggest that there are still disagreements about what the agreed Forex rate of souls between religions should be. Although Sikhs, Catholics, Protestants, Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses are happy with the proposed 1:1 rate, radical Jews are adamant that there should a 15% margin between wholesale and retail sales, while Muslims insist on a fixed-by-Allah conversion to their advantage of 5 quadrillion to 1.

But although Israeli leader Benjamin NotaYahoo and Hezbollah’s Hassan Nasrallah are absolutely at one in insisting that they would rather irradiate the Planet than agree to the new currency, Rupert and Jerry Murdoch have given their enthusiastic backing to it. So it is a done deal.

“Why honni,” said Jerry, “I done dvoted ma liyif to sellin’ of the soul, and Roop he done the sayim bout buyin’ ’em. That’s wha our marriage is gon’ be fo’evah”.

Earlier at The Slog: A concise history of Madthink

13 thoughts on “EXCLUSIVE: Human soul to become new World Currency

  1. The Mephostophiles Debt Collection agency who hold the licence to collect souls in default i.e. of those who are already damned, have issued a statement indicating that this will make their job easier especially when going after the category “R” Souls….

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  2. I am a bit confused. Does the soul become monetized only when it has been liberated from a body? In which case it does make sense.

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  3. Munchie says:
    Trump will have these soft bellied Europeans paying for their own protection against the “Red Menace.” Lets see what those budget deficits are like when they start paying for their own defense.

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  4. Tried to post this earlier, but it disappeared into the aether – weird the way that happens.

    Just as a reminder of who really constitutes a to world peace…

    Following the triumph of the Neocon/Neolib State Department policy in Syria, the recently ‘liberated’ Ukraine is flourishing following the benign attentions of the IMF, Vicky Nuland/Kagan and Geoffrey Pyatt.

    https://www.salon.com/2016/02/23/this_is_how_we_spooked_putin_what_the_new_york_times_wont_tell_you_about_the_american_adventure_in_ukraine/

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  5. Trade Unionists representing both Dover and Lemon Sole have called an urgent meeting to determine whether they are better off remaining in isolation, which is their preference, or whether there might be some distinct advantages to becoming a part of the whole universal (not global anymore) soul. Paul McCartemoff was heard to comment that he predicted this eventuality in his album Rubber Soul decades ago and was the main reason he went to Mull of Kintyre with the Maharishi. More to follow……

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  6. JW, hang on, you’ve got yourself a sequel to Gogol’s ‘Dead Souls.’ I’ll consult Chichikov and get back to you …

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  7. Thanks Munchkin for the Trump speech. I have been curious for a while about the furore he has been causing. I love his independence from Big business etc- Unfortunately independent people like him tend to get shot, if they get too successful.
    I hope hisown bodyguards have guns then. See speech
    Re: your comment about ” soft bellied Europeans paying for their own defence against the Red Menace-
    The good old US of A is at present the greatest MENACE to life and limb here in Europe. Nato (the US poodle) continually building up on Russia’s border and provoking and deamonizing Putin, my well cause another World War. We , the people of Europe, don’t want your protection. America is by far the greater danger than Putin. We don’t want the refugees here that the USA have caused either and we don’t want your warmongering. As for paying for it – Go Figure
    By the way are you a Troll

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