Tonight, in a Universe-encompassing multicultural scoop, The Slog can reveal that governments, religious leaders, and G20 Nations across the World have agreed in principle to the installation of the Soul as the global currency.
Rumours of the move were given credence after France gave its second highest national honour to Crown Prince Mohammed bin Naif of Saudi Arabia during a visit to Paris, eight weeks after France condemned bin Knife’s personal execution of 780,000 Saudi women who put their husband’s dinner on the table five minutes late.
Slog sources close to the action tell me that only minor details now need to be ironed out before the move can go ahead.
“There is still doubt among a few non-violent Godless extremists about whether the Soul exists or not,” said Mammon Incorporated Head of Abstract Investments Hank Tulip, “but they are being gradually persuaded by the concept of the new currency being backed by the Vatican, and the likelihood of everyone making fucking humungous amounts of money with which they can buy gold”.
Other sources, however, suggest that there are still disagreements about what the agreed Forex rate of souls between religions should be. Although Sikhs, Catholics, Protestants, Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses are happy with the proposed 1:1 rate, radical Jews are adamant that there should a 15% margin between wholesale and retail sales, while Muslims insist on a fixed-by-Allah conversion to their advantage of 5 quadrillion to 1.
But although Israeli leader Benjamin NotaYahoo and Hezbollah’s Hassan Nasrallah are absolutely at one in insisting that they would rather irradiate the Planet than agree to the new currency, Rupert and Jerry Murdoch have given their enthusiastic backing to it. So it is a done deal.
“Why honni,” said Jerry, “I done dvoted ma liyif to sellin’ of the soul, and Roop he done the sayim bout buyin’ ’em. That’s wha our marriage is gon’ be fo’evah”.