At the End of the Day

There is something wonderfully self-fulfilling about computers. And marvelously self-evident. And endlessly self-exculpatory. But the self-help thing, for some reason, doesn’t get a look in.

My pc is currently trying to solve an issue on the hard drive, which it tells me is ‘inconsistent’. Nothing new there, but each time I start up, it tells me about it…and sets off on a mission to find the fault. However, because there is a fault, it can’t complete the operation. It doesn’t tell me it can’t, it just stops.

For similar reasons, it can’t burn my files to a D-drive remote disk. But every day, it tells me I have files to burn to the disk. It doesn’t offer a solution, it just fails. And then tells me again. This is obvious to even the casual observer: for me, the everyday user, the information is obsolete.

Almost every bit of software I’ve downloaded onto the pc cocks up at some point. But, on doing this, the software has one default position: it wasn’t my fault.

Within that position, there are two gears: first – in which it is the fault of person or persons unknown; and second, it’s your fault.

Many and mysterious are the explanations of the former….’Windows found it necessary to close down’, ‘Firefox has had to close’, ‘Error 651’, ‘Google has found something wrong’ and so forth. The latter explanations are, by definition, more accusatory: ‘You aren’t allowed to fulfill that function’, ‘Your plug-in is out of date’, and ‘You have dialled an invalid number’.

As with the Brexit Remainians, one expects that the advice can only get sillier.

‘Evil forces have intervened to end your Skype call’

‘Failure to reboot will leave you intestate’

‘Everything has stopped. There is nothing to worry about’

‘Temporarily, you do not exist. Allow script to continue?’

‘Limp disk. Do not attempt intercourse at this time’

How tremendously uplifting it would be – just once – if a panel popped up to say ‘We fucked up bigtime – please follow this link to talk to a 0% geeky human being’.


Disturbing new research, it seems, has indicated that young US salmon have tested positive for more than 80 different drugs, including cocaine and antidepressants. And no, I’m not making this up.

I suppose if you spend your life heading upstream, jumping over waterfalls and then heading downstream again, uppers and downers are going to be part of your life. But I do think it’s time the drug baron swine plying this disgusting trade were brought to justice.

I mean, imagine being about to tuck into a side of salmon, and hearing it sing, “She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie…”


20 thoughts on “At the End of the Day

  1. JW, re your computer problems. There is a guy in Scotland, trading under the name of Dr. JG Brown, a retired mr. fixit, a one time economic expert (in his spare time), then something in crisis management, now retired (bar some pep talks for charity in the US), and he is the man to go to, as he needs an excuse to visit France, and use his clunking fist to sort out your computer AND play a pivotal role in the destiny of his country inside a UK, dominated by a country he loathed.


  2. Jw forgot to thank you for your excellent articles of late. They’ve been truly enlightening for me.
    Oops, I left out in above sentence, A little contact and advice from a human on times would be wonderful.


  3. As a computer illiterate guy you’re pretty much screwed. My wife really needs her computer to work. She is studying to be a nurse and much of the study homework has to be done online. Fortunately I have been working with computers since 1981 and have followed every development of Windows. I recently upgraded my Win 7 machine to Win 10 and after 2 hours of tending it everything is fine. Her new laptop came with Win 8.1 so 10 was an easy upgrade. I had to reinstall the printer driver but that was about it. Little things that take me a minute to correct stump her completely. Just now I had to disable a JavaScript blocker that Firefox had activated when it upgraded itself to the Win 10 version. All she could do was look at the message that JavaScript was disabled and her testing site wouldn’t load. I hear her whining from her office, “My program won’t load” so I trundle in there and click, click, problem solved.

    I would feel so unmanly if I had to depend on whining to someone when my stuff quit working. As I get older I will have to get someone to do the physically hard things (like paint the roof) but for now the mind still works even if one hand and my legs are starting to go.


  4. If you google The Slog, the top search result is not very flattering. You should do something about it, might give people the wrong idea. Just saying.


  5. O/T
    Wouldn’t be surprising if IDS is the ‘mr nasty’ stooge in camerons game of brexit.

    John, I would not recommend that you keep on posting about your failings with the pc. It’s not very becoming.
    You have to deal with it yourself. Google it, get advice, ring a friend, but DO NOT POST your shortcomings again please.


  6. Many years ago at work we received some Apple II computers which became my reponsibility. I vaguely remember the list of error codes in the manual. The first dozen or so were things like disc failure, memory overflow – identifiable stuff. The last in the list was ‘Something unusual has happenned’.


  7. M. Jean Ward –
    Your tales of your computer problems get very weary. Have you ever thought that “a poor workman always blames his tools”? (I had to look that up!)

    M. Jean – you have absolutely no clue of anything you write about computers. You have been offered many help to overcome your problems and you always just go on “digging a hole” (I look that up also)

    Your hole is now so very deep and as a user of Orange I must question you of some recent claims you make:

    In a recent post, and you claim 97% of French broadband customers have only Orange. This is so untrue. Anyone who believe M. Jean maybe go and look for the facts for yourself and find the truth. It is closer to 43%

    Also may I ask – or maybe even demand! If a blogger writes totally untruths about such simple facts as ISP companies on France why should I believe a single word he writes about any subject? Many things you write are total false facts. You cannot be trusted.

    This man is a crackpot. He is well known in *real* blog circles for claiming how he knows everythingh but a few weeks ago a well respected blogger about the EU, Richard North, put M. Jean right in his own place and showed him out of the door. M. Jean could not reply and left with tail under his legs.

    M. Jean Ward is a total fake. He lives in a fake world under tin hats. People who agree with him are not fakes. They are lunatics.


  8. John – imagine me leaning over your shoulder giving you guidance on your pc. Then you scent the delicate perfume in my cleavage and immediately pull the little ribbon on my black front fastening bra ( Victoria’s Secret bestseller) and you are in for a double cascading surpise..! You obviously need some intelligent and attractive company. I’m free……!!
    In my dreams anyway.


  9. And then to add to the whines of the other trolls, the trannie’s back!

    Obviously the poor man is free in his dreams, just as he dreams of owning a lingerie store… he’d love to buy frillies for himself, but doesn’t have the courage to walk into one. It’s not as if his money’s any different to anybody else’s and he could always use the excuse of saying his wife is the same size as he is when the attractive young lady puts the tape measure around his tummy?

    But then, what might people think of him if they knew what he wears beneath the well tailored suit that bank managers or high class lawyers wear?

    More to the point, what would poor John think when there’s that delicate and pervading odour of stale tobacco and single malt? Only on turning, John sees a six foot lawyer standing behind him, wearing a black front closing bra! I mean, you’d need some intelligence to start a conversation in that situation, wouldn’t you!?

    “Umm… Bill, I didn’t know… why didn’t you tell me? We are supposed to be friends, right? I mean, this is a bit embarrassing, what would the neighbours think?”

    You can bet your bottom dollar a guy like that would be free… only what beats me is why men get a kick out of making fools of themselves!

    Read more…


  10. Interesting, in the US there seems to be many failed hopefuls that now wax lyrically about how awful Trump will be. Another fine example of just how the Americans don’t do irony.
    I see that one of Clinton’s staffers has been granted immunity from prosecution…..Things could be about to get tough for Hillary.


  11. Re computers. I made the leap and dumped my pc for a Chromebook in December. It doesn’t have any anti virus software to keep the fan buzzing at high speed as the processor and hard drive work overtime doing yet another scan. It doesn’t even have a fan. It doesn’t even have a hard drive. The software is so minimal it updates itself in seconds, without me knowing anything about it. I wish I’d made the change years ago!


  12. You want the next generation machines mate.

    Mine just switches off without warning, randomly throughout the week.
    I don’t get a lame excuse, a non-apology, or the blue screen of death.
    Just the lights go out, the fans sighs and goes to sleep, and I’m sitting slack-jawed with me four typing fingers hovering over a dead lump of plastic.
    Now that’s progress.
    (I’m working on the slack-jaw bit)


  13. I’ve never known anyone to have the IT problems you have. Don’t you have any friends with IT nous who can help? There are some great websites, books and courses out there in public domain that I depend on when something goes wrong. I used to have a lot of sympathy for you but as it seems to go on and on I think you would be better off doing something (anything) positive rather than just complaining.


  14. If they’re into JJ Cale, they’re probably rock salmon. Will Puget Sound replace the Tulsa sound? Probably not..


  15. Studying the life cycle of the salmon a bit more closely, you will conclude that jumping up waterfalls alive does not lead to them swimming downstream again. They jump up the waterfalls to reach their spawning grounds, when the last act of the salmon is to fertilise laid eggs before collapsing, exhausted, to fertilise the river by dying in it.

    So perhaps the uppers are taken to jump up the waterfall and the downers used by the salmon-like equivalent of Dignitas…..


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