There are days when I suspect the final step on Camerlot’s road to its alma mater feudalism will be the passing of the Droit de Seigneur Act. Under this enlightened attempt to encourage greater intercourse between serfettes and noblemen – thus creating a socially level horizontal jogging field – it will be obligatory for every good and sound salt-of-the-earth yeoman and peasant parent to stand aside while the superior genetic seed of for example Baron Green gives their daughters a demmed good seeing to.
Those who refuse the Greens such access will be declared oldiephobic, and sentenced to two concurrent life terms in the Tower without remission, for if this government is about nothing else, then it is about paying due stiff upper lip-service to zero tolerance of bigotry in all its disgusting forms – and the promotion of the allegation that we are all in this together.
Worried about the negative ramifications of its increasingly tarnished reputation, HSBC is considering a global rebranding exercise.
Insiders tell me the bank is to be renamed 10MillionYears BC, after the famous 1960’s art house movie starring Raquel Welch. Explaining the rationale behind this choice of brand name, Senior VP in charge of laundromat services Tab Quant vowed, “It’s important to be at least one step ahead, and no bank on Earth is working harder to ensure the human race gets back as quickly as possible to a state of nature than ours.”
Asked what he meant by a state of nature, Mr Quant said, “Oh you know – being threatened by giant lizards, and then going naked after losing your shirt….that sort of thing”.
With the US Presidential Super Tuesday primaries about to get under way, GOP Big Beasts were undismayed by the fact that Donald Trump looks set to get 240% of all delegate votes at the Convention, and outstrips the poll ratings of his opponents put together by a multiple of 4000³.
“This man is an insult to the democratic process,” said the Republican Senator for Wall Street J P Sachslynch, “If we let him have the nomination – and by some quirk of ballot-stuffing he wins the White House – it will be a trauma for all those ordinary Americans and our many allies across the World who believe that the American brokerage, banking, military and media sectors are firmly on the side of all the good guys. The idea of a rich President that nobody has by the balls will be seen by all decent people everywhere as a truly terrifying prospect”.
In a bid to disguise the extent of the global oil glut, US oil employees have been ordered to pour crude into their jacket pockets, trouser turnups, ten gallon hats and underwear, prior to wandering around public parks to look for discreet places to unload the evidence.
Over the last week, Texas State troopers have uncovered huge caches of oil stored in swimming pools, cereal packets, ears, KFC family meals, pets, and condoms.
The head of a birth control clinic in Dallas said the oil could mark a major leap forward in the lubrication of protected sex.