Heads we win, tails you lose

Following the discovery of a nest of non-violent Jihadists among young NHS doctors by officers under the command of Level Playing Field-Marshal  Hermann Hunt, police forces across England and Wales tonight launched Operation Pressure.

“Our goal is very simple,” said a DoH spokesperson, “given the 3,000 deaths an hour occurring and recurring as a direct result of this unwarranted act of wanton disloyalty to their hippocratic oath of allegiance to unser geliebte Führer Jeremolf Hunt, it is decreed we must relieve the pressure on waiting lists by using specially-trained G4S police parking attendants to carry out all operations until further notice of abject surrender from the health terrorists.

“Although the unbearable cost pressures being endured thanks to this wildcat political action by young doctors supposed to have a calling I mean what is the world coming to continue to turn this into a national emergency, surgical operations will be conducted with all the usual safeguards, up to but not including anaesthetic.

“Thus it is the moral and national duty of all Right-thinking doctors to triumph over our ethical vacuum by giving in to all government demands immediately.”

“Hafter hours hov trainin’, Hi ham lookin’ forward to lots hov hoperatin’ hon real members hov the public,” said cheery cockney police Constable Arthur Ninch of 413 Garnet Villas Shoreditch.

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The Home Office has confirmed that police charged 29 journalists on phone hacking, and got two convictions. But Tory MP Warwick Raphead praised the Met’s ability when he remarked, “If you take the Newscorp acquittals out of the equation, they had a 100% success rate”.

Drawing a line under the episode, Culture Media & Sport Minister Lucy Twee announced that, now the second Leveson inquiry had been abandoned and the phone hacking Inquiry closed, the budgets would be reallocated to Operation Beebnik. “As a public medium,” she explained, “it is unacceptable for the BBC to resort to expensive legal defences against cps prosecutions of known sex beasts at the taxpayers’ expense. The Government will push ahead to end this heinous practice of secret extortion with renewed vigour”.

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Over 30 police in Rotherham were found to have aided Islamics trafficking under age girls. Local ScargilLabour Councillor Germaine Boots told reporters, “This encouraging level of cooperation between the police and the local community proves that Rotherham is a multicultural model for Britain as a whole”.

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Several probation services are to be replaced by call centres, Theresa May has announced. The service will be merged with The Samaritans and based in Uzbeckhistan.

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And finally, the G4S attempt to sell its Bash a Problem Child subsidiary has already attracted some lucrative offers. High among these is a consortium led by Fagin Rehabilitation Services, the highly-leveraged City favourite led by popular New York socialite Hillary Trumpet. But our deal-insider notes that G4S senior managers favour the deal already on the table from Kinder-Euthenasie, the niche subsidiary of Lebensborn SA based in Uruguay and chaired by secretive Swiss-German entrepreneur Josef Geldzahne.

Earlier at The Slog: Osborne slams wisdom of clouds in very odd G20 outburst