Senior Pentagon sources tonight revealed that all US land and air force combat personnel engaged in the Syrian conflict are receiving ongoing training in three-dimensional chess strategy, as well as a new App giving hour-by-hour updates on who the bad guys and good guys are, who should be subjected to terminal unfriendliness, who might be the tragic victims of friendly fire, and continuous translations of what John Kerry’s latest position is on The Peace Delay….which is like the Peace Dividend, except that it will be paid out in body bags.
The news comes in the light of an announcement by the Saudis that they are going into Iraq with a view to wiping out both the Assad regime and its ISIS enemy. US officers on the ground greeted the news in regulation starch-pressed trousers, but pointed out that Iraq – while in the same shithole state as Syria and quite close to Syria – is not Syria as such. John McCain suffered a euphoric event in his trousers. We do not at this point in time have data on the starch content of his trousers, but reports suggest they contain several reasonably accurate maps of New Zealand.
Voice of America journalists described the moves as “part of the need to prepare our fighting men for 21st century multi-enemy 360° 24/7 intercontinental nimble-footed virtual infinite war platforms”.
As yet unconfirmed reports claim that in the All Saints’ Graveyard, Sutton Courtenay, Oxfordshire, burial grounds have been disturbed by a spinning coffin believed to contain the remains of of a Mr Eric Arthur Blair, aka George Orwell.
Scientists have at last confirmed the 1953 prediction of British Rail test pilot Wing Commandet Albrecht Wheelstein that the prevailing direction of wonga is up….and not – as previously asserted by the soi-disant International Testicles School (ITS) – down.
The result came as a surprise to monetary Commissar Janet Bellend, who told TV Boombust top anchor Tiffany Strudel:
“So……….we have considered all the tools, processes, tramlines, potential outcomes, learned papers, bank lobbyists, and upcoming modular projections in relation to the Wheelplate Report, and will in doo course be revealing our very carefully reached belief that such a conclusion is inappropriate at this time, heretofore and forever so help me Gawd”.
ITS Professor and Nobel Prize sponsor Lloyd Bankfine welcomed Ms Bellend’s comments, describing the Wheelplate findings as “the easily discredidud ravings of an Unamerican hairy atheist engaged in the shameful criddicissm of those of us doing God’s woik”.
Issuing its medium term weather bulletin last night, the UK’s meteorological office warned that a severely icy spell was to be expected during June 2016 if the confluence of prevailing winds resulted in the precocious People’s Champion King David of Camerlot being defeated at the Battle of Brexit.
Speaking from Forecast HQ, Head of Entrails Analysis Merlin Blizzard spelt out the imminent doom to BBCNews viewers:
“The icy spell will result in severe Blitzkrieg ice floes invading England from the north, following which hot coals will fall from the sky, and winds such as to level the Pennines could well ensue. Under such circumstances, there can be little doubt that those not drowned in the inevitable floods will suffer a lingering death from boils on the genitals and disgusting armpit pustules”.
The Met Office appealed for calm, describing the forthcoming weather as “a very serious threat to the future of humanity”.
Chatting to TV host Jonathan Ross later, Prime Minister Davos Cameraman said that he deplored “the tendency of the Brexit campaign to engage in scaremongering about events in Portugal, Spain, Italy, Greece, Hungary, Poland, Holland, Austria, Deutsche Bank, Frankfurt, the European Central Bank, Monte del Paschei, RBS, and the British Treasury”.