Top Ten Slogtips

  1. Don’t take the woodburner ashes outside when there’s a Force 9 gale. You will simply become Ashman.
  2. Don’t take the woodburner ashes outside when there’s a Force 9 gale and torrential rain. You will simply become half man, half ash.
  3. Don’t try to speak more slowly than Janet Yellen. People will think you’ve had a serious cerebral incident. It doesn’t do to make people more concerned than they are already, and it won’t have any effect on Janet.
  4. Don’t wear hotpants in Saudi Arabia, they will take offence. And your head off.
  5. If you’re a Pope, don’t shit in the woods. It just confuses the bears.
  6. If the economy flaps, flutters, makes an undiginified splashdown and sinks, it’s very probably a dead duck. Disbelieve other interpretations.
  7. When an MP declares his goal to be the destruction of the NHS, appointing him Health Secretary is highly unlikely to result in a change of heart. Especially if he doesn’t have one.
  8. When finding yourself in Imperial Rome, do not demand of Caesar that he adopt Sharia Law. Chances are he’ll force you to retrain as a bad-guy Gladiator.
  9. Stock Markets are aggregated neurotics. Such personalities suffer from anxiety, moodiness, worry, envy and jealousy. They are strangers to balance, wisdom,  quietude, tranquility and all the other things you need in a financial adviser.
  10. What happens on television is not real. This is especially true of the News.

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