Tonight I offer you a subtle mélange of the real and the surreal. See if you can spot the difference.
In a shock, unexpected, left-field and totally predictable move today, UK Prime Minister Avid Cameldung announced to a silent House of Commons that his patience with the Vote Leave campaign was exhausted.
“It’s time they jolly well pulled their socks up and got on with the real job of letting me win,” he hawed, “they’re all over the place and even worse than the soon-to-be reformed EU they hope to leave and so we must force them to pull their fingers out by privatising the entire mess, and making them re-apply for the job of putting up all sorts of non-violent extreme and if I may say so impertinent objections to the quite astonishing list of major concessions I had to wrest with my bare hands from the grip of those who still wish us well in Brussels”.
Mr Scamerlot nevertheless assured the House that the referendum would be a level playing field, with legs up for those who did as they were told. “I feel it my duty as the Prime Minister of this, the last redoubt of civilised fairness and spotless legal process, to ensure that this move does not in any way hamper those well-meaning but deranged citizens who would rather be naked and cold in isolation than in the welcoming bosom of Europe. So let’s be clear about this: the Leave campaign will have at the very least thirty-six hours before the poll to spend all their money coaxing ordinary hard-working, unuspecting BNP-liter British families to a life of slavery at the hands of Comrade Rasputin”.
In a fairly unrelated move, France has announced that it has no plans to change its border arrangements.
Tory leader Davy Crockeron had previously warned Outers that in the event of the UK leaving the European Union, France would move its border – including the entire heaving swarm of Calais Islamist migrant filth – up to twenty miles north of Carlisle, leaving the English just one three-mile strip of ghetto as a means of housing 54 million people.
“It would,” said Mr Camevasion, “be like a sort of Gaza Strip in which we English would be forced to live like the unfortunate Palestinian Scudites so well supported by the Peace flotillas launched by my good friend and democratic reformer Mr Recep Erdogan”.
The PM’s prediction caused an immediate volte face in the SNP’s policy on Europe.
“Aff thas is woot leavin’ Yirrup is aboot,” said Scottish MP Dougal McKiltitches, “then weerapfarit and mine’s a B’caddi an’ Cooke”.
After another bloody day in the stock markets, the CEO of Deutsche Bank John Cryan sought to calm investors. “I am going to take personal responsibility to ensure that this ongoing non-critical situation is sorted out,” he told CNNSNBCHSBBC24, “and the reason you can be sure there’s no real problem here is because if there was, do you think I would be a dumb enough fuck to take responsibility for it?”
In a final and generous act of reassurance, Cryan revealed he would sell his personal collection of Green Shield Stamps if required. This caused an immediate rally on Wall Street, and moved the supermarket antique bribes space back up into Bull territory after 37 years of shitting in the woods.
International eurozone fiscal fraudster and COO of Goldman Sachs Gary Cohn lambasted analysts for doubting the viability of Viacom via panic selling and using viaducts to pour cold water on the company in this, the hour of its viatica. Later his banking firm was forced to revise 17 out of 19 predictions it made about the outlook for 2016 in a recent note to clients. He told Bloomberg Gopulsemove staffer Sam O’leaner he was hoping for three things in the coming months: some sort of recovery bullshit even if only in tits and farts; getting the fuck out of this financial back hole; and getting help for his orthodontics-related speech problems.
A talking head on Boombust TV this afternoon was understandably mistaken by security staff for a member of the Earthling species Homo sapiens. He told viewers that while the world faces a bear market, it is not a real bear-market, merely “a cyclical bear market”.
“It is a well-known fact back on my home Planet that ‘cyclical’ as a word is interchangeable with ‘normal’,” he began with frightening certainty, “and such bear markets are harmless in that they only bankrupt bank customers, and not bankers…the bankers are left completely free afterwards to foreclose on the silly buggers they gave injudicious advice to in the first place, and thus save the world from democracy”.
The head – who was later identified as a Mr Mark Lehman – asked to call home and be beamed up.
Asked whether he was worried about market sentiment, British Chancer of the ExJekyll Mr George Hydeborne gave this emphatic response:
“As no financial market in history ever displayed any sentiment whatsoever, the idea of me worrying about it is ridiculous. I have much more important things on my plate, not the least of which is that the potion antidote isn’t working any more and don’t look at me like that or I’ll have you killed”.
Infamous blogger John Ward aka The Slog wrote this on Twitter today:
‘If a press release is neither fish nor fowl, then it’s offishowal’
Nobody got the joke, so in an act of hope over experience, I repeat it here now.
As the wonderful Frankie Howerd used to say, “Please yourselves”.
Goodnight and toon in tomorrow…