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This is John.  He has been described, varietally and regularly, as a Nazi, a Communist, a paedo-sicko, an Islamophobe, an anti-Semite, an arse-licking Islamophile, a Zionist, a feminist, a misogynist, a Europhobe, a European, a lush, a killjoy, a plutocrat* and a vagrant. So John is convinced he is annoying all the right people.

But John’s permatan disguises the horror of his ordeal at the hands of New Labour, Old Camerlot, Uncle Ben Bernanke, Young women, Orrible Orange, Beastly Boris, Ghastly Grant Shapps, Nasty Newscorp and a plastercast of many others sporting feet of clay.

John needs your help. He has only nine bedrooms left, and continues to battle with the maintenance of dysfunctional zips on his 237 pairs of Brooks Brothers trousers.

Just one small donation of €50,000 would enable John to fix the leak in his swimming pool, buy caviar futures at the bottom, purchase a lifetime supply of Viagra, and take full advantage of every desperately pauperised female falling victim to his inestimable charm.

Think about it for a second: do you really need that bus fare to the Job Centre? Couldn’t you skip that evening meal of raw potatoes? Aren’t your children fat enough already without giving them spare money to blow on needless things like malt, hi-calcium milk, and anti-rickets medication?

All that John wants is to be one of the 67 people who have more money than the other 7.6999 billion others on the planet. Is that too much to ask?

Please give generously and without regard for the sanity or survival of your family.

Issued by the Conservatives for Two Nations Committee

*Somebody who suffers from sexual fantasies featuring the technicalities of abusing Donald Duck’s Dog.