PMfinger

“Britain can stick it,” says Cameldung

In an exclusive interview with the Slog’s political correspondent James Cockup, the Prime Minister reaffirms his faith in the infinite suffering of Britain’s less well-off citizenry.

“I must say,” the Prime Minister began, “how it warms my heart to see the British spirit coming to the fore in the face of adversity. Over the last few weeks, I have been travelling around Booming Britain to see this phenomenon for myself.
“The plucky way, for example, that a family lacking the means to pay laudable free-market rents simply takes a wheelbarrow and some bags in order to set up home in the nearest vandalised bus-shelter where they can get some peace and quiet in the absence of any buses….it’s humbling – especially for them. But it’s the sort of ingenuity that made our Island Race great.
“There are some who ask what right the homeless have to take possession of such privatised property, but not I – most certainly not. At times like these, genuine entrepreneurs must always be above the law – be they ordinary hardworking Australian families blazing a trail into satellite television, or loyal anti-extremist destitute unfortunates bearing their brunts with equanimity.
“And talking of brunts, while out last week shaking the hand that feeds me, I accepted an invitation from my Health Secretary to open the new Women’s Pension Trauma Clinic in Knightsbridge. Jeremy has high hopes for this initiative, which will cater specifically for all those deserving females in the area who haven’t created a lot of fuss about the unlikely certainty of a market collapse resulting in their stockbroker spouses losing a packet in the coming year through no fault of their own. My Government will always look kindly upon those who take a stoical attitude to their fate….and I can promise you that every stone will remain in place during the pursuit of such compassion.
“The Health Secretary did however express his concern that many older people throughout Energised England are failing to take advantage of his new scheme to provide free flu jabs, school milk and euthanasia in all hospital A&Es. It is sad to see these foolish citizens being apathetic in the face of freebies – a situation which would, I might add, never pertain in the City of London. But I do not give any credence to the wild claims of Mr Jeremy Corbychov that none of these old people can afford either cars or the public transport to get to the hospital.”

“During the course of my travels, I have of course been keen to meet those caught unawares by the cruel arrows of unavoidable austerity. These fine men and women set an example to us all in the way they have rebuffed any temptation towards self-pity about, for example, being the unlucky owners of houses with bedrooms, built on flat land that became unforseeably flooded, or even on slopes where socialist spending incontinence had still not saved them from inundation.
“But this is no time for shallow point-scoring, for still waters run deep on occasions and we must all learn the lessons of the present in order to ensure a lack of gloating questions in future from those who give succour to terrorists. Particularly heartwarming was the way in which a great many citizens of our fine country eschewed their own healthy pursuit of wonga in order to help out those with less foresight than themselves. I pay tribute once again to the volunteers who made up for the gross inadequacies of the many environmental quangos set up by the former Leader of Her Majesty’s Opposition.
“No Prime Minister worth his salt would wish to ignore the selfless willingness of people throughout the length and breadth of Great Britain to care for the elderly at home. Saving them from the clutches of filthy socialist State retirement prisons, these unsung, and unpaid, heroes and heroines instead welcomed the aged under their own roof.
“While no doubt many of them did this in a cynical attempt to evade Council Tax, it has to be said that there are notable exceptions to this general rule. One such is Mrs Emma Chizzit of Torquay, whom I had the joy of meeting this week. Mrs Chizzit faces a six year wait for her pension and the loss of her carer’s allowance, having previously suffered violence and abuse from her next door neighbour, about which of course the socialist local Council did precisely nothing, and expressed her views on an inability to pay the Council Tax most forcibly to me.

“Emma represents the spirit of independent Britons, which she immediately showed by hugging me warmly by the windpipe and then attacking me with an umbrella. It was all good knockabout stuff, and of course we in the Conservative Party will forever be steadfast supporters of a pluralist society in which there are both rich and poor who are separate but equal.
“In conclusion, I would just like to reiterate that Northern power house HS2 bomb Arabs non violent extremists tough negotiations rolled up sleeves harsh but fair better off in up-pulled socks Chinese friends Recep Erdogan special relationship and let’s be clear about this, acutely aware of Saudi Arabian legal lapses here and there. Thank you.”

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