BREAKING…..the markets: so funny it’s enough to make you cry

In the midst of real life, there is drop-dead funny

Now that we’re all gradually getting used to the Chinese Laundry’s new opening hours (any day with a z in it, removal of all black spots guaranteed) it’s time to hear what that ultra-solid British Bank RBS has to say about the global outlook.

The analysts at Rubbish Bank Shakey say that the Chinese slowdown and market reaction to it are weighing adversely on sentiment, especially in the light of British growth slowing down and the growing problem of Bric debt.

Sums it all up rather well I think, except I’m not quite clear how the reactions can weigh on the sentiment when it’s the same people. Maybe what the traders at the sharp end should do is lay off the reactions and look to up their sentiments. Stay long in optimism, up the growth futures, shut down the reactors, rush down to the bunkers, shoot all the bankers, don’t panic Captain Mainwaring.

Then of course there is the small matter of Janet Yellen’s rate-hike having exacerbated Bric debt issues, she having done this because sentiment was looking better. Presumably, the sentiment she’d been weighing up was more weighty than the RBS sentiment, and that’s why it weighed too heavily on the Brics. It’s all about weights and measures when all’s said and done, but always remember that one woman’s sentiments are often another man’s angst: every husband in history knows that the danger moment is when the missus says “I’m fine”.

In the context of this clarity of confusions, watching channels like Bloomberg, CNN and BBC Parliament is the best fun you can have if there are no feminist blue-stockings around to annoy. You can LOL at Mr Cameron saying “strong economy” when it’s clearly, over time, become more mantra than meaning – like when one says “take care” at the end of a phone conversation. Perhaps the PM kisses Sam goodbye in the morning and says “strong economy”, I don’t know.

Or smile as, on CNN, a Wall Street talking head says “nervous” nine times in three minutes, interspersed with “recovery”, “momentum”, “mixed signals” and “better jobs data on Friday”….because you feel sure that what he should’ve said was “How the f**k should I know?”

For me, however, top of the day is tuning into Bloomberg and watching dozens of anchors, pundits, bankers and innocent bystanders yelling about technical stuff while turning a blind eye to the scimitar-wielding Jihadist chasing the producer around the studio. It goes something like this:

Bighair: OK, LET’S LOOK NOW IN THE SMARTPHONE SPACE, WHERE AMALGAMATED CIRCUIT BOARDS ARE OFF 7 BUT THE SECTOR’S BEING BUOYED BY APPLE’S BIG GLITZY LAUNCH THIS MORNING OF IT’S NOO DOWNLOADABLE DIGITAL PACEMAKER TABLET. HOW ARE YOU SEEIN’ THIS INTERFACE OVER THERE AT MORGMAN BROTHERS HENRY?

Henry: Well Julie, we have people jumping out the window here right now on the news that the Bank of Japan is advising all Nikkei traders to hand over their cash or else, but on balance I’d suggest that say did you just see that mad guy waving a sword around at your end….

Bighair: THANKS FOR THAT HENRY A PLEASURE AS ALWAYS TO LISTEN TO YOUR COUNSEL, BUT LET’S NOW SWITCH OUR FOCUS TO ONE OF THE BIG ISSUES OF THE HOUR, THAT ANNOUNCEMENT BY OMNEFARIOUS INDUSTRIES CEO BEN TEARLOBE THAT WE COULD BE LOOKING AT SOME STORMY WEATHER IN THE TROUBLED FARM PAYROLL DERIVATIVES MARKET. LET’S GO OVER NOW AND…..

For most of these people, nothing is ever obvious: rather, it is ‘surprising’, ‘unexpected’, ‘hard to explain’ and ‘a blow’. But like I say, their antics are hilarious….and sometimes even capable of taking one’s mind off Madame La Guillotine’s sharp blade about to begin its descent. The distraction is useful at times like this: the FTSE is now below 6000 (down 2.6%) the Dax is below 10,000 (minus 3%) and the Brent Crude price just slipped below $33 for the first time in twelve years.

Earlier at The Slog: Cameron heaps praise on scrap-heap dwellers

20 thoughts on “BREAKING…..the markets: so funny it’s enough to make you cry

  1. The plates are beginning to move out of whack and I suspect that those responsible for spinning them will now be giving slightly more serious consideration to beating the retreat to their bunkers in readiness !

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  2. To forestall any confusion, Rob Blag Scam wish it to be known that they do not share the views expressed by sentimentalists at Rubbish Bank Shakey who have quite simply lost their nerve.

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  3. ” …tuning into Bloomberg and watching dozens of anchors……. bankers ”

    Serves you right for listening to that dross ! Sure you didn t typo the first consonant of
    both of the last words ??

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  4. What wonderful timing!…… FedEX has advised me that my new rifle will arrive tomorrow. It comes with a threaded barrel. Why a threaded barrel you ask? It’s so a suppressor can be screwed on. A suppressor is also called a silencer and is quite legal in the US. There is an added tax of course $200

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  5. Heard the same old bull on the British Bull Corp this am about how deflation is caused by us folks putting off purchases now in expectation of buying our stuff later at a cheaper price. Later Gormless George remarked that we shouldn’t become complacent and ease up on austerity. He seemed quite perturbed that about a quater of uk households have less than a weeks wages worth of savings. They really are out of touch aren’t they? I don’t know wether to laugh or weep!

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  6. I do object to being called a continental twerp as I live in beautiful Holland and commute to my workplace in Germany every few days. My Victoria’s Secret franchise is doing very well but I’m just not meeting the right type of man recently…
    Can you errrmmmm help gulp….

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  7. Osborne has spent all day on news media squawking about how adverse moves in the world economy and the Chinese slowdown may have negative effects on the UK economy.

    WHAT?
    Did this man learn his economics from a cornflake packet? – OF COURSE CHINA MATTERS…

    Osborne spouts on about globalism being good and then as soon as it blows up in his face he is warning everybody about negative effects. These issues were always there, he just wants to create a narrative to blame all the bad things heading our way on someone else whilst pumping his ‘austerity is wonderful’ line. The man is contemptible.

    In fact it is worse, he is scared that his ‘economic long term plan’ horsepoo will be called out for what it is, cynical short termism based on the false wealth effect of pumping the property market full of hot air.

    Where is the manufacturing George?

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  8. No IP he learned it from ASI,IEA & tax payers alliance & such ilks flat earth economic think tanks! & they’re now going to hang Osborne out to dry to protect what little is left of there reputations.

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  9. Pingback: Poppycock and piffle | Gabriel Vents

  10. We Are Doomed

    It is only a man indulging in impersonation. It is a common misconception that men need to be paid to indulge their fantasies. Such trolling needs no payment, they receive enough stimulation from the mere pretence of being someone else.

    Mr Ward has spoken frequently of how he does not tolerate trolling. All the facts to his hand regarding the provenance of the impersonator, and he should be able to deal with the issue. If, that is, he should choose to stand by his word.

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