UK in shock as PM issues horror list of imminent death for every Briton

Maily Torynaff expert Dim Bonehead vindicated as Dave outs Seven Deadly Superthreats in new clampdown

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Peace envoy and Fawn Again Christian St Dave of Camerbury this afternoon followed up his seasonal message of Peace on Earth with a sobering prediction of War on Britain.

“Nevva,” he began, “in the field of human conflict has so much extremism been been threatened by so many upon so few….who wrote this shit? Who? Oh, young Johnson. Er, right, well, we’ll go with that then“.

Warming to his theme and fiddling with his trousers, Pax Cameronicca for the first time revealed the full extent of the mortal danger which these islands face from the deadly threats of sinister organisations only now discovered by the tireless forces of MI5, GCHQ, Google, Facebook, Twitter, Tesco and the New Wave Unisex hair salon of Middle Wicket, Shropshire. He listed the Seven Deadly Dangers as:

  1. The British Legion Long hidden behind a veil of respectability, this shadowy and secretive paramilitary organisation has for decades weakened the resolve of the British People by covertly importing poppy plants through the infamous offices of disgraced drug lord Afghani Stan. It is in fact now known to have been hijacked after 1948 by admirers of Nazi mata hari Odessa von Hinterhammel.
  2. The Beatles Once honoured by crypto-Communist Harold Wilson for their services to decadent agitprop music, so far only 50% of known Beatles operatives have been terminated during a joint CIA/Met Police operation spanning half a century. Created by Rothschild faygaleh Brian Epstein, the Group continues to have widespread influence today, with overtly NVE tracks to their credit such as All you need is Love, Baby You’re a Rich Man, and An Octopus’s Garden.
  3. Beaverbrooks the Jewellers After covert observation over many years, this seemingly harmless retailer of watches, metals and precious stones has been revealed as one of the top five dangerously homophobic fundamentalist reactionary groups in Britain by top MI6 operatives Milhaus Sweet and Algernon Ringleader. GCHQ resident outer Peter Tatchell has called the soi-disant retailer “the greatest pusher of engagement rings onto unwilling gay men in history and let’s face it Beaverbrook is in and of itself an open insult to those of repressed minority orificial preferences”.
  4. Skipton Building Society The liberation of savers held captive for generations by the notoriously ruthless and just not at all nice Baader-Mutuality Gang led to all but the most diehard cells of Comintern finance being extinguished in Britain. The last redoubt of this delusional diablo of death is the Skipton. In the previous four months alone, seven inflammatory interest rate rises offered to ageing North Yorkshire savers have been foiled thanks to the watchful greed of the JP ‘Stanley’ Morgan (NSA Division) branch of Blair Bankfine & Ptnrs.

The Prime Sinister also confirmed from the very highest security sources for example Con Coughlin and Prince Charles that potentially horrific nuclear missiles could be launched at any minute by

  1. Mills & Boon – second only to Bonnie & Clyde as wanted international anti-tree terrorists
  2. Anusol – a Jihadist group (only recently penetrated by MI5’s Burgess MacClean Associates) specialising in rectum explosive devices
  3. Arsenal Football Club – the front for ISIS operations in the UK, led by Arsene ‘Frog1’ Wonga and his éminence grise – the man thought by most Sureté lavatory attendants to be the mastermind behind the Paris attacks – G’ooner Boxir.

Ridding Great Britain of these foul viper-nests was, the Archbishopric Cammerung declared, “the best way to banish silly conspiracy theories put about by people called Guido, Raccoon, Slog and Mr Ethical”.

In his closing remarks, Prime Minister Cummerbund regretted that 4.7 million more cameras would have to be installed by preferred supplier Yeopics over the next three months, but insisted that such measures “are the only way we of this Island Race, this Happy Breed up for God and King Harry, this Sceptred bile, this Cradle of Kleptocracy, this haven for those under the Jackboot of odorous taxation, can remain what we are and always will be: a glitzy haven and erroneous example to those unfortunate enough to have been born Abroad about how to preserve low wages and high hopes at one and the same time, while shuffling pointless fiat paper around”.

Earlier at The Slog: Big new idea – employ the unemployed

15 thoughts on “UK in shock as PM issues horror list of imminent death for every Briton

  1. I hear Anusol have actively targeted Edward Bernays relative Emma Freud as she has caused them considerable pain. Perhaps MI5 should identify the ringleader of the group.

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  2. I refer my fellow Honourable Sloggers to the remarks made by an anonymous member of the SAS. When asked if there was a “shoot-to-kill” policy, he replied “‘Course there f’ing isn’t; if there was, the whole problem would be over in two weeks”.

    To any unwise Shinners reading this; they (the SAS) haven’t gone away, you know… Neither have 14th Int or the RUC, either, though I believe they refer to themselves by other names these days.

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  3. That ‘Uncle’ Tom Whitehead trades under such an overtly racist name should not be allowed to distract from his message. On looking under my bed just now, I found an entire cell of provisionally Real IRApists ready and armed to the shoulders to murder us in our sleep. This cell, although microscopic, could without doubt have replicated itself in an instant had I not sprinkled the area with copious amounts of Jaysus Fluid, thus averting the nocturnal mayhem so obviously intended and extinguishing any aspirations to a united island like what we haven’t got.

    If I may be forgiven for pointing out a small and almost insignificant error: Algernon Ringlieder aka ‘Gerald’ was the operative responsible for fearlessly getting out the Marigolds and tidying up the mess at Swagners; his involvement with the Beaverbrooks affair, steamy though it was, had to cease when his circle was infiltrated by enema agents.

    While it is true that Anusol had been itching to detonate a series of scatological one-liners against an establishment utterly convinced of their very existence, the plan backfired when rogue irritant Savlon Cushty became uncomfortable with several previously unknown anterior passages discovered in his Qu”’ran. The joke, you might say, if there was one, was on them.

    .

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  4. I can only refer any ex mils to the works of the great Saudi poets al Gosaibi, his colleagues al Aziziyah and the garden of al Rawdah. May your Lotus 3 ever blossom with a Forced Entry.

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  5. You just don’t get it do you? All of this is prepare us for the knighting of the eminent do-gooder Clinton Ainsdale – the UK’s secret weapon, who doesn’t need any spinach to crack a case and see off the baddies ……

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  6. Obviously the Government will now be forced to secede the UK from the European Convention on Human Rights in order to preserve UK citizens’ Human Rights.

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  7. There was a light shower of rain above a certain address in Boxforshire last evening which prompted the said occupant, a certain Mister David Porcine to rush and bring in the washing from the outdoor line – he called a national state of emergency

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  8. Based on recent ‘war game’ field exercises, it has also been revealed that the nuclear missile strikes probably won’t be a true threat as:

    1. The ICT geek tasked with programming the red button between HQ and Northwood ate too much Christmas lunch so directed the missive to Mecca instead of NATO.
    2. The silo operators read the Daily Mail website over Christmas, got so puffed up and self-important that they drank at least two bottles of wine, so pressing the red button had absolutely no effect whatsoever for 5 days.
    3. All the ageing wallahs in NATO are so convinced that the Cold War is over that they are all putting their over-sized mansions on the market, causing calamitous drops in prices around Northwood and Moor Park. As a result, no-one takes any notice of the Prime Minister any more, as they only take their orders from Guy Verhofstadt and he’s only interested in getting Ukrainians to kill each other whilst he trousers consultancy fees ad nauseam.
    4. The Press got wind of the exercise cock-ups and have denounced NATO as a bunch of spineless woofers who couldn’t target a missile on Moscow if their careers depended on it. Geert Wilders suggested that targeting Moscow is SO 20th century, so there is likely to be a significant body count when the NATO fat cats have their annual New Years’ Day punch up on the Waterloo and City line……
    5. Arsene Wenger is under suspicion for being a covert false flag insider as he, like Israeli Prime Ministers before him, miraculously got wind of what was about to happen in Paris so ‘stayed in his hotel’, rather than follow his normal obsessions by toddling down to the Stade de France. Conspiracy Theorists also wonder whether his transfer policies have been diverted to funding Anusol rather than the front organisation he is nominally tasked with ‘running’. His presence at Murdoch Group war-game sessions simulating industrial-scale league rigging is also being postulated by those needing excuses for not having won the league for over two decades…..
    6. South American gamblers are under investigation for laying huge short bets on Arsenal FC for the EPL, after their odds were slashed to even money favouritism last Monday. They have been funding the medical expenses of ‘Alex is homeless’ as a means of laundering some of the soon-to-be illicit gains from the greening up process carried out immediately after the Nagasaki bomb was dropped over the south coast.
    7. ‘Con Coughlin’ has been revealed as a virtual-reality Lord Lucan, not having existed for decades but a suitably drunken frontispiece for the deluded sheeple to hang onto.
    8. Gary Lineker has been conscripted to test a new ‘stealth missile’ whereby intelligence operatives are strapped to a missile which is launched into the stratosphere with a parachute on their backs. Sadly, to date, the release mechanism to parachute the operative back to terra firma was programmed by an Italian, so the operative is wondering if he is ‘acceptable collateral damage’ in securing a glorious nuclear victory for ‘our boys’…….
    9. Dianne Abbott has been forcibly conscripted into a Falklands Task Force and has been sent on numerous arduous fitness runs by an Argentine double-agent. It is reputed her target is to lose 61,000 grammes before the next election.
    10. Vladimir Putin has committed the heinous crime of selling weapons to other nations. It is a heinous crime because UK MPs haven’t received any commissions from selling BAE Systems weaponry instead. He is undoubtedly about to launch a war against the Raj, which is all you could expect after the Coolies deserted the last Viceroy in favour of that reclusive farmer with glasses. In doing so, he will be committing the classic Hitlerian mistake of trying to beat the whole world on his own, as he is teaching the Turks, the Ukrainians and UK Airspace a serious lesson right now. Especially UK Airspace, which has never sent reconnaissance planes over Russia with SigInt high jinx on board, and certainly not since 1945……
    11. Rupert Murdoch has read all this with unalloyed glee, as now he is allowed to fix another round of EPL matches at his global theatre. All his media drones are feverishly re-writing their scripts to jolly along the deluded masses, as the NWO high fliers haven’t yet made cancelling Sky Sports direct debits illegal……but they will fairly soon. Oh yes…….

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  9. Here at Kingsmill our secret efforts to save the world are totally secret but the situation is deteriorating & i need to let you in on a Christmas plot,Pandora’s box was opened,queuing for long periods outside the box led me onto the trial of one Thomas Sabo in which i was charmed to find in Beverbrooks but karma being karma, i was unable to find any karma put a great deal of false charm,has i was looking for karma not Charm i left without finding Mr Thomas Sabo,but feeling in the pink i kept going like all good kingsmill do & found some Thomas karma just around the corner,saving Christmas & the world but no thanks to Beverbrooks who hopefully will soon receive there karma for the lack of genuine charm they showed me by not pointing me in the direction of where i could find karma,such is the big society goodwill isn’t shown unless like going for a leak,you first need to purchase a pint that soon means you need another leak! May karma fall upon the human race,it certainly seems that may well be the case!

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  10. Breaking news: Jihadist supergroup Boko Harem have released a new single entitled A Wider Shape of Veil, specifically intended to further obscure what’s actually going on..

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  11. We are informed by the above supergroup that their correct name is Burka Harrumph. We apologise unreservedly for any offence, howsoever unintentional, caused by this previous regrettable ignorance.

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  12. @ hieronibush

    Prokul Haram ?

    Also for something nearer home see Zerohedge ” Ukraine s 19 Fukushimas about to
    blow due to lack of maintenance funding
    as country bankrupt” ….. or some such .

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