tutencameroonArtist’s unimpressive reconstruction, not a real 2D Pyramid

Leading Syrian archaeology scholar Professor Fathi Digga this afternoon announced to an expectorant world that he is “convinced we have found the legendary tomb chamber of King David Tootenkameroon”.

The spectacular find has been unearthed in the Triangle of  Deir ez-Zor (see above). “We always suspected the Triangle was built in order to celebrate the quintessentially two-dimensional thinking that led to King David’s rise to world power,” said Professor Digga. “Being able to disappear by turning sideways on every issue enabled Tootenkameroon to convince the entire planet that he was a total God, as opposed to a complete sod”.
Fathi’s team first became excited when they discovered the mummified body of a pig’s head lying in the chamber. Tootenkameroon was known to be a believer in the powerful magic bestowed upon those who indulged in porcine fellatio. “But the clincher we think,” Professor Name continued, “is the inscription above the coffin, which roughly translated from ancient British means ‘My long term plan to live forever is working'”.

As part of the ongoing programme of selective efficiency savings going forward in the naval space, George Osborne has announced the decision to decommission eight ships, and replace them with thirty-seven shits. Explaining the move, Mr Nobsroe told a NATO summit, “It is time to wake up and realise that the Age of Ships is over, and the Age of Shits is in full swing. Shits like Lord Mandelson and Jeremy Taeping-Errah swing in various directions at once, and they have proved beyond any reasonable doubt that they can walk on water but well above the law, which is – I’m sure we all agree – exactly what is required of naval officers in today’s rapid response world. Also they don’t use as much petrol as HMS Applecheeks”.

Following the announcement, Greek shipping magnate Avengis Venalsnitchkos launched a shits-for-ships share ownership swap on the Athens stock exchange. “Given the state of the Baltic Dry Index,” Mr Venalsnitchkos commented, “what shipowners are needing above all else is a steady supply of shits to persuade the markets that my fleet is still worth investing in.”

In a ground-breaking case at the Old Bailey this week, 12 year old Ivor Grave was found guilty of murdering an earlobe under the Joint enterprise Law, and sentenced to 15 years in prison without the right to appeal or remission.
Summing up at the end of a long and complex 4-month trial – during which 150 lawyers had worked 24/7 at £175 an hour plus VAT not including travel expenses and sandwiches – Justice Nicholas Bumshowing pointed out that, even though the defendant had died ten minutes before the  assault upon Lady Astor-Lavista took place 200 yards away, as a member of the notorious 15th Northwich Cub Scouts Troop, he was equally guilty along with the 37 other young hooligans, many of whom had been engaging in sordid ging-gang-gooley rituals immediately prior to the incident.

Lady Astor-Lavista (who suffered extensive damage to her left earlobe after being pushed over following a light lunch of chilled slimline Bollinger 1997) told the Court that her life had been ruined because the lobe involved was attached to her telephone ear.

Following the verdict, Justice Bumshowing told the Court that he was “only sorry the Law denies me the ability to hang all such swine”. But the Law Society later opined that the keeping of a corpse in prison for 12 years represented a public health issue requiring a major enquiry lasting at the very least 18 months at an hourly rate of £235 an hour plus VAT not including overtime, accommodation, and four-figure romantic tryst weekends.