NEW BOOST FOR MARKETS AS YELLEN DUMPS RATE-RISE IN FAVOUR OF QB

qb The world of buy-back mezzanine shadow financial megadebt intratrading was rocked to its papier maché derivative foundations last night after Janet Yellen sidelined both QE tapering and the widely expected rate rise in favour of a new recovery tool, QB.

“We’ve given the economy a thorough stress-test,” she announced, “and come to the conclusion that one or two apparent problems should be our sole focus from here on going forward to the next paradigm”.

Outlining the remaining problems as low wages, rising debt, nervous investors, a growing deficit, oil prices and China, Ms Yellen said the key needs were for the US to become more competitive and stimulate manufacturing, whose “imbalance when set against high net worth client fund management in the deep-liquidity onanism space is giving slight cause for concern”.

“Our new approach,” the Fed Chair concluded, “will, we’re fairly sure, kill two doubting doves with one predatory hawk. Accordingly, I have as of today asked my colleagues in the White House, at the State Department and among the Pentagon top brass to join me in concerted support for our new cutting-edge stimulus, Quantitative  Bombing”.

Wall Street and London City opinion leaders were quick to endorse Ms Yellen’s more creative approach to American recovery. “The new French and Russian upweights of bomb payloads over Syria have already reversed the negative munition puts trend,” commented Cy Bormann, Head of Casualty Futures at New York banking firm Freundlich, Schock & Orr, “so we think this is a good call by the Fed”.

Echoing that sentiment, Diggoupe & Frack senior partner Wills Woodebyne told The Slog, “We simply must get the oil price up if hard-working Texan billionaires are not to be wiped out, and total destruction of the Middle Eastern production capacity is the fastest way to do this.”

“This market is wide open for expansion,” said London Mayor Maurice Jobsgun, “and I wholeheartedly support the Prime Minister’s call to put Britain’s export drive before a few bleeding-heart poppinjay dead-baby promoters. It’s time we leveraged the reputation we made for ourselves in Dresden, and actively sought out new raid destinations such as Bucharest, Budapest, Warsaw, Brussels and Moscow”.

“Most reasonable Americans,” Presidential candidate Ronald Slump told his Tennessee audience of tree-dwelling banjo players last night,”are more than happy to accept sacrifices in order to keep America on track….especially if the sacrifices are Syrian, Iranian, Macedonian, Hungarian, Romanian and Russian”.

10 thoughts on “NEW BOOST FOR MARKETS AS YELLEN DUMPS RATE-RISE IN FAVOUR OF QB

  1. Bombing little brown people in far-off lands is always good for business and titillates the war mongering sensitivities of the pizza munching dumbshit couch potatoes.

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  2. I think it more likely that Dubya Senior will have set up yet another slush fund in Nicaragua to fund ISIL’s expansionist agenda, since a Republican bircher as President will be assured if ISIL actually manage to turn the White House black. It’s always important to remember how well the Republicans use Middle Eastern terrorists, governments and arms dealers in the run up to elections, especially when they are currently not the incumbent. I’m amazed they haven’t bunged ISIL to start some kidnapping Americans somewhere or other, using Ollie North’s illegitimate children as go-betweens.

    What they absolutely mustn’t do is kidnap John Kerry – now that really would be a disaster. Even Bernie Sanders would get elected if that happened. No, far better to kidnap some dodgy Floridian or Texan doing naughty things in Arabia. Preferably a couple of hundred of them. Then the Republicans can get out old Ronnie’s playbook and have a repeat run.

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  3. ” ………. the pizza munching dumbshit couch potatoes.”……… It no longer seems to be just an American condition – I think you’ll find an equivalent mass in the UK.

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  4. Gallows humour, dear Ward
    If the US of A was cracking up a bit, I would say Gaffer Tape. If the US was just feeling a bit sad and lonely, I would say Love Bomb her and tell the old girl that she’s still got it. Alas, I think we are now out of time.
    If she can’t convince the world that US debt is the only global currency, her economic superpower status disappears in a trice.
    But she won’t be going gently into that good night. She’s going to turn into Kali, shrieking and wild with rage, taking revenge on everyone, and this is what we are seeing now – for instance the US-instigated MENA invasion of Europe.
    No, I think she’s Krakatoa and she’s going to blow, and it’s going to be lava and ash far and wide. And the only thing we can do is take cover. Imagine we are about to take a shock ride back into the middle of the nineteenth century. But if we are still alive, and still basically European in character, when a more modest and diminished US (or successor states) comes back to her senses, that will be something. Then we’ll all have a good laugh about it

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  5. I’m not sure of Yellen’s bombing campaign but the Russian one sure has got Erdogan upset. The family oil smuggling business just encountered some stiff headwinds in the form of Russia bombers. Every bomb Putin drops on the Syrian oil fields is paid for in increase oil cost. Turkey will lose the proposed Russian gas pipeline and Iran will hook up with Russia for Shia/Russian energy highway to the world.

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