At the End of the Day

wake wakey
Dawn this morning
My newly installed log stove smokes quite a lot. I hit it with a sapling a few times and warned it that Smoking Kills, but it continues to do it. A few weeks back, it went critical at 3am, and only the smoke alarm saved me. I  unfortunately ingested a lot of wood smoke, and now I have a nasal infection as a result. The nasal infection is also partly to do with being born without sinuses. But I do have a shadow, so there’s nothing to be afraid of.
I’m having a special cowl fitted at the top of the stove pipe to remove any chance of a recurrence, but this has to come from England. Actually, it’s a Simon Cowell. The pipe has to be slotted very firmly into his anus, after which he will feel deservedly intense pain for the brief remainder of his pointless life. I’m having a floodlight installed so I can watch him wrestling with hypothermia and third degree bum-burns at one and the same time. I’ve already sold the rights to CBS as a weekly game show called I’m a celebrity get this pipe out of me. Week 2 is Jeremy Hunt, and the Christmas special will feature Rupert Murdoch, with a special cameo slot for Rebekah Brooks.

Look, nobody said being a Christian was supposed to be easy.
I rang a chum and said my fire had a downdraft problem. He ignored the remark but then later a mutual friend rang to say the first chum thought I might be going mad. When I enquired as to why, he said “Because you told him your fire had a dandruff problem”.
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Each and every day I devote my life selflessly to helping the Black Knights of Camerlot find new ways to sell all our souls to the highest bidder. The care of our nuclear power safety having been snapped up by Beijing, and our car industry by Delhi and Stuttgart, the next and most obvious bit of the family heirlooms to go must surely be the English language.
I have it on the very best authority from a well-placed source deep within the bowels of Buckingham Palace – just below the foundations of our democracy but within the realms of possibility – that Good Queen Bess only leased the English language to the American colonies for a limited period of time – viz, in her very own mispelt words, ‘an intervale of foure hundrid years folowyng the date of my demyse’.
This means that, for the last twelve years, the US has been employing what it laughingly refers to as English without our permission. Draper Osborne should now get tough with Washington and negotiate a deal with our Special Relations whereby this abuse of our generous Lang-Lease policy comes to an end forthwith. If they wish to seccede from speaking this Island Tongue, then we must see their offer list – clearly set out and no shilly-shallying mind – at the very earliest opportunity, or send them back to the 1740s with only a Franco-Hispanic-Cherokee-Sioux-Jive creole for comfort.
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Devout Catholic Iain Duncan-Smith commented today that the Paris attacks showed, above all else, the importance of religious faith. I really do wish I was making this bit up, but I’m not.
It would not be the greatest literary hardship of my life to construct an essay suggesting that the Jihadist atrocities of a week last Friday were the direct result of deranged religious faith….as indeed were the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the Cromwell massacres of Irish Catholics, Russian pogroms against the Jews, and Boko Haram’s charming contemporary habit of burning a Church full of Nigerian Christians to death on Christmas Day.
I wouldn’t actually accept much of the premise of that essay; but I do find it hard to take this kind of public piety from an ignorant drone who cannot grasp the moral conundrum of cutting the poorest income while retaining Trident and encouraging a fatcat economy based on utterly dysfunctional financial jiggery-pokery.
I could of course don my blond haystack wig and declare all of it to be “a load of right-wing poppycock”. But my cock lacks the knee-jerk reflex to pop for which Mayor Jobsdone of City Hall is justly infamous. So I shall simply fall back on The Slog’s favourite admonition, “Bollocks!”

14 thoughts on “At the End of the Day

  1. Ever thought of guesting on Max Keiser ? You two seem made for each other( politically) and of course you would gain the honour of getting up close to the fragrant Stacey who I am told looks even better in the flesh than on celluloid.

    Would be interesting to establish which between you and Max interrupts each other the most.

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  2. Hi Monsieur Jean,
    I do not think you posts do any good at all to France, in fact you sound more like a Muslim sympathizer every day when you post.
    Where you live you do not have these people. You live in the old France and for that you are very lucky and you never see the savages who plague many of us day and night. Your very High Horse that you sit on then condemn all more Frenchmen sounds very much like all Englishmen condemn us for centuries past.
    We know you are superior to us ! Hahaha! We shall see when the outcome of this battle is finished. Which country is finished or maybe not.
    So if you cannot support La France why do you not leave. Immédiatement

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  3. Just to thank you for your brilliant take on the all too frequently depressing news stories that assail us daily from the MSM. I’m a relative newcomer to your blog which has become an oasis of critical and eloquent sanity in this insane place we call home. Thanks again. PS – I’ve always assumed that the arch-hypocrite Catholic IDS – our very own 21st century Bernard Gui – has some kind of satanic hold over Archbishop Cameroon. How else could he retain his cabinet (toilet) seat in view of such sadisitc incompetence. Search me guv’.

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  4. Rebekah Brooks.. cameo slot.. that’s a gem of a double entendre. Perhaps you were being sardonyx?

    I’ll get my wetsuit..

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  5. I think john’s blog is putting many of the things to bed we’ve believed the last few years:

    – anthropogenic climate change is a Goldman Sachs lie

    – “peak oil” is/was a lie designed to hold up the price of oil by Wall Street

    – the WMD in Iraq was a lie.

    – my fave new pet conspithery – the actual landings on the moon which coincided with the my Lai massacre.

    If you disabase yourself of these basic tents taken on faith you are left with one of those women at the end of party night – a tobacco alcohol sodden slop not fit for marriage nor procreation. And that is the modern US today.

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  6. @Robeedoo2 …… and they (were) also good at football them thar Magyars .

    Didn t Ferenc Puskas the Galloping Major and his hussars devour England 6-2 for lunch at Wembley some seventy odd years ago ?

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  7. Having read a rather amusingly chilling dissection of the way the Conservatives and the Labour Party ran ‘the UK arms industry’ using a permanently open anus and expert MI6 officers who were: a) Lawyers who stole their clients money; b) Lawyers who laundered arms deal commissions for Mrs Thatcher personally; c) Assassins who bumped off anyone in the murky arms trade who either said the wrong thing, pissed off too many other criminals, both or neither; d) Wrote all Mrs Thatcher’s favourite speeches for her; e) Siphoned enough of Mrs T’s loot to her mentally subnormal son in Texas so he could marry a dimwit bimbo from the Lone Star State without needing to be a kept husband; f)bumped off by the Israelis (probably) for pissing off too many Israelis by switching from selling arms to Iran to selling them to Saddam Hussein; and given that far from the Labour Party outing all this organised crime, outsourced pimping for CIA’s covert organisation and generalised moneybags corruption all over Parliament, Whitehall, the Savoy Hotel, Mayfair and the Ritz in Paris, actually decided that it was rather a good idea for Peter Mandelson and Geoffrey Robinson (probably) to continue all this stuff ad nauseam; I’m coming to the rapid conclusion that the only reason that Michael Ashcroft was giving CMD so much grief is that CMD decided to cut MA out of all the bungs, bribes, commissions etc etc which are the only explanation for all the appalling deals currently struck by the current and last Government. And all because Ashcroft was so greedy he didn’t want to pay any taxes on all his arms commissions etc. One does wonder whether Ashcroft is party to any laundering through Belize…..

    The book also made it clear that the losses of the Government Export Credit Guarantee scheme in the 1980s in effect transferred all the bonanza of North Sea Oil via the Treasury directly into the hands of Defence Contractors who sold weapons to those who any Secondary Modern dunce could tell you would either be incapable of paying, would refuse to pay, or would go to war to avoid paying. And every time they sold one of these appalling contracts, the Savoy Mafia would get millions in commissions, all of which had to be laundered somewhere or other, be that Switzerland, Panama, Lichtenstein, the Caymans, St Kitts & Nevis etc etc.

    Which does rather tell us all that the conservatives, far from ‘rescuing the country’ actually frittered away the best part of £300bn of North Sea Oil riches, which could have formed the best part of a £1trn sovereign wealth fund by now, to all those useless arms contractors who had about as much recognition of a solvent, honest customer as Jonathan Aitken had for the truth in a Crown Court…..

    All of which caused Dubya to bribe ‘that pretty regular sort of guy’, ACLB into war in Iraq upon threatening to reveal to the whole world that the UK was now the contracted outsourced provider of all the things Dubya senior needed the CIA to get up to but Congress wouldn’t let them get up to any longer.

    I mean: when you read a dyed-in-the-wool exiled Tory write, and I quote: ‘And London has become a full-service marketplace for all the accoutrements of a modern ‘metro-terrorist’: arms, explosives, mercenaries money laundering and terrorist contacts’, you do tend to say ‘politics is a matter of which organised crime family you decide to join, based on how much illicit loot they will let you earn by joining them’, which may be the reason why I’ve not joined either the Conservative Party or the Labour Party in my adult life.

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  8. “Having read a rather amusingly chilling dissection of the way the Conservatives and the Labour Party ran ‘the UK arms industry’ ”

    Who wrote that?

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