Star Date 4.56.98/E: reconfiguring the Earth

Far, far away, on the edge of our nebula, the crew of the Starship Enterprise remain forever young as they boldly go in search of new worlds. Infinitely superior to any known Estée Lauder anti-ageing cream, constant travel at Warp Factor 9.5 has ensured that the crew has aged just 1 minute and 37 seconds since 1968. Mr Solo is younger than his granddaughter, Lieutenant Uhuru is having the longest menopause in history, and Captain Kirk’s spare tyre has yet to appear.

But all is not well aboard the Enterprise, because as a result of risible continuity and bad science, First Officer Solo is receiving radio messages from Planet Earth.

“I’ve got serious data anomalies,” Solo tells Kirk.

“Then get down to the medical bay,” says the Captain, “and have one of those whirry-lightey things pointed at you, that’ll do the trick”.

“If I may interject here,” says Spock, “I think Mr Solo is trying to say that life on Earth is no longer as we know it, Jim”.

“Proceed with your report,” Kirk tells the First Officer. Solo puts the hastily invented Time descrambler into his ear.

“Long story short” he begins, “Mysoginist Isamic Arab bozos are bombing Europe using money provided by the US and its allies, and the feminist Left is avoiding any involvement because none of the people doing this are Israeli rapists”.

Kirk furrows his brows. Spock raises a startled eyebrow.

“That is illogical Captain” he observes.

“What the f**k,” asks James T. Kirk, “is a feminist?”

“I just fed that into the interpratron,” Solo announces, “and it says that, in its radical form, it consists of ‘women who want to first bankrupt men via divorce proceedings and then eliminate them through the use of scrotal sac surgery without anaesthetic'”.

“That works for me,” says Uhura, downing another hormone replacement with her decaffeinated Tharusian lemon-lichen tea extract.

“It’s worse than I thought,” says the Captain of the Enterprise, “Solo – connect me to the engine room”.

“Reading your mind Captain,” Spock purrs, “I see that your solution is to get the f**k away from this nebula at all speed”.

“Yes Cap’n?” asks the Chief Engineer over the intercom.

“Scottie,” orders Kirk, “How close is the nearest nebula?”

“Oorrrrch Cap’n” says the central casting novice Jock impersonater, “5 billion light years, but in this ship we can do it in 3”.

“Then set course for it at Warp maximum” Kirk commands, “and don’t give me any of that ‘givin’ her all she’s got’ shit”.

“Aye aye Cap’n,” the engineer answers, mopping his brow.

“If I might suggest an alternative strategy Captain,” says Spock. Kirk strains to read his idiot board.

“Proceed Mr Spock”.

“The invention of the laptop pc and the theory of Gaia which have not as yet happened in our Time continuum but which I saw on the Sky nostalgia Channel last week suggest beyond any reasonable doubt that the Planet Earth is a giant computer employing Chinese circuit boards”.

“And your point is?” asks the Captain.

“Perhaps we should therefore consider,” Spock continues, “turning it off and then turning it on again”.

Earlier at The Slog: Arthur Haddock puts the taxman in his plaice