In a major breakthrough last night, American researchers explained that Democrats and Republicans are unable to cooperate in the Congress because multiply-raised deficit ceilings have turned it into the Tower of Babel.
“As the Good Lord purdicted,” said Elmer Hangtree (Miss, Dem), “they all tokin’ in terngs see, so a man caint uunerstayind a wirred dey sayin’. S’lark dey wuz ferners or sumptin”.
Today is world stroke day, on which it’s different strokes for different folks. Perverts can stroke parts of other folks’ bodies, con artists can pull strokes on dumb folks, onanists can stroke themselves into a state of visual impairment, cricketers can practise strokes in the nets, clocks can stop on the stroke of midnight, and obese persons can have their stroke and eat cake too.
Scotland, meanwhile, is in the grip of sexist mammalist fascists. Last Tuesday, a badly injured three-year-old female pilot whale was discovered at Dunvegan on an Isle of Skye beach. While extremist vegans probably not dun it, Marine wildlife experts believe bottlenose dolphins did.
Said Greensmash anti-multiculturalist animal rightsist SNP extremist Donald McCullawhale, “This is the inevitable outcome of putting too many mammals in the sea in that it makes the Salmond and Sturgeon feel like fish out of water, while the mammals planted in Scottish waters by Westminster squabble with each other and so we Scorts should all vote Stay in EU and Leave England as the only viable ecological answer, Jammy”.
A BBC Radio4 documentary has finally established beyond any reasonable doubt that Tony Blair is in fact Tony Blair. In the face of repeated efforts in recent months by the former Prime Minister to persuade the media that he was never an MP, never ran a government and has never met George W Bush or persuaded anyone that two rusty bicycles in Baghdad were 14 tons of anthrax, indepth research proved conclusively last night that the face, fingerprints and DNA of the man now worth £60million and afraid to venture outside are a perfect match for those of Tony Blair.
Despite this however, the BBC has scooped everyone else by at last finding a truthful statement from the man who once claimed to have watched W G Grace score a century at Lords. His statement, “In fact, I was a member of the Liberal Party at University” checked out completely with all those who knew him at the time.