Johnny Rotten wonders how Piers Savile got away with it as Queen faces downgrade following Deutsche Bank jobs holocaust while Abe derivatives fall on threat by Yellen to merge UK and Sweden

You simply have to watch this video of John ‘Peabrain’ Lydon being interviewed by Piers Moron on the subject of Jimmy Savile. While few people deny that Jimmy was a little odd sexually, the two things to note are:

  1. The former Sex Pistol Johnny Rotten ‘outing’ Savile on the sole (self-confessed) basis of “rumours” in 1978, and
  2. Smears Porno pronouncing with unsuitable solemnity on “how Savile got away with it for all those years”.

Marvellous: How Piers Morgan’s anagram Romping Arse infinitely denied teaching Rebekah Redtop how to hack phones…and *** away with it. LOL, vomit etc etc. How a talentless Spitting Insect nudged and winked his way onto a crap interview with a failed and fired tabloid toff. Sick bag Alice, puke, anarchy in UK.

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Moritz Kraemer, S&P’s chief Sovereign rating officer, said Britain would be stripped of its top AAA rating with a one-notch downgrade if it voted to leave the EU . Moritz just might be a bit behind the Moody music here, given that two and a half years ago ratings agency Moody’s became the first to cut the UK from its highest rating, to Aa1.

But despite this misunderstanding, a Mrs Mountbatten of The Penthouse, Buckingham Palace, London 1Q ER2 tonight summoned Chancellor George Osborne-Anbrittle to her bijou residence in order to ask why she would be rated below the Finnish and Austrian royal houses in the event of Britain’s secession from the EU.

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Raging unemployment hyperinflation hit Deutsche Bank throughout yesterday as mainstream business hacks reported the job losses at 3,500 by 8am CET, then 6,000 at 9am, then 15,000 at 10.44am. Deutsche Bank’s new chief executive John Cryan vowed to keep chopping away at the giant lender’s staff until a better result could be obtained than the record loss of €6.01bn in Q3 2015. But he stressed that the bonus pool would remain as obscene as ever, given that “there’s almost nobody left to share it with”.

This is in stark contrast to the Bank of Japan, which now owns over half of all ETFs traded in the country, as well as 48 million dead fish off the coast of Fukushima, the entire whale population of the Pacific (3) as well as every last share in the Gold Channel’s Endulance series from 1973-85. And in breaking news tonight, Prime Minister Abe has agreed to divide himself into 21 million hari-kiri Banzai derivatives in one final bid to revive the Japanese economy.

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US Fed Reserve Chair-leg Yanet Jellybean tonight dismissed as “not germain” eight graphs showing that global demand for iron, steel, aluminium, rubber, and natural gas were all crashing into the Chinese terrain at a speed sufficient to see them emerge within minutes just outside Puente Alto in Chile.

“I think,” she began at 09.30 EST, “we should perhaps take cognisance of the fact that 3D printing, thorium, plastic and fracked oilco balance sheets will see us through, and that the US still has a virtual monopoly of all these technical innovatory ongoing game-changing lip-smacking post-industrial new-energy rare-earth undersea-mineral deposits, as well as a global copyright on hyphens”. Ms Jelling ended the sentence at 14.30. Shares in Valium rose 13% on the news.

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The BBC tells us this week that the UK population will rise by a Sweden over the next twelve years. For those of you watching in black and white, a Sweden is equal to a Republic of Ireland, meaning that by 2027 we will be a Japan.

Mr Hairgel Mirage of the united kipping Party said he was awake to the problem and had written to an Irish Teeshirt to protest, adding that it was typical of the BBC to keep the news hidden. Mr Avid Cameldung of the Selservative & European Unionist Party said he had written to Rupert Murdoch to say get ready, adding that it was typical of the BBC to release this news now in order to embarass him. Mr Jerryred Corbynchev said a Labour administration would nationalise the BBC.

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