One thing that occurred to me today – a day that will live in journalism as one in which nothing happened – is that we need a standardised measurement system for all Public Enquiries ordered by our legislators. We have kilobytes, megabytes and gigabytes for internet volumes and speeds, but what we need for Enquiries is a parallel measurement of delay in reporting, and vacuity of content.
Of course, there must be a hierarchy involved, and my suggestion is as follows:
- A Chilcot
- An Elm House
- A Barclays
- A Goddard
- A Leveson
- A Croydon
- A Non-Violent Extremist
A Chilcot applies only to Enquiries involving wars, and former Prime Ministers who know the exact location of every buried cadaver. It bisects the distance each day between Open and Closure, and thus never reports.
An Elm House can last up to three decades and involve multiply closed files plus capacious Mayoral buttocks. It reports, but the report is not reported.
A Barclays is any Enquiry involving a bank – in cockney rhyming slang, a wank. It is a continuous loop involving the setting aside of fines, and Justice.
A Goddard is the use of an enquiry to put off any conclusions. It is usually applied to an issue where the use of Establishment lackeys to chair it has been spotted by the media.
A Leveson involves the use of a spineless worm to exonerate Newscorp. It reports quickly, and in an uncannily arse about face manner within which the innocent are found guilty, and vice versa.
A Croydon relates to any riot anywhere involving the theft of a bootlace. It finds all defendants guilty, and wraps up within three weeks.
A Non-Violent Extremist has been hypothesised by researchers Cameron & May [See Hitler, Reichstag Fire et al]. It may or may not exist, involves no enquiries at all, but converts more quickly into Law than any other proposed particle.