The Prime Minister made the following broadcast to the Nation from Downing Street last night:

“My fellow Europeans not that I wish to bias your to the decision to Vote Stay in any way whatsoever,

I have been asked many times over the last few week to define what my personal Home Secretary Theresa May and I mean by the term ‘Non-violent Extremist’, or NVE. Let me be clear about this once and for all because the definition does seem to me to be very clear. An NVE is a person who in one way or another advances silly ideas designed to undermine our democracy. These ideas would include such things as George Osborne’s fiscal and economic strategy being tonto, or for another instance large flaming chariots coming down from the sky to smite the enemies of Allah, although naturally not a gay carpenter being crucified to wash away our sins for he was and forever will be one of the rocks upon which this Sceptred Isle is built – that is, scientific fact and not some heap of Left Wing fluffy poppycock about all of you being equal to me and so forth, which is palpably untrue because I got a leg up from the level playing field to become PM, and you didn’t.

We must reject Bad Science in favour of Settled Science – and with that in mind, I very much want to talk to you tonight about a truly appalling example of wild conspiracy theory that has come to my attention – and indeed so clearly represents disgusting obscenity, it makes my case effortlessly – and my blood boily.

Those of you who come from a decent backround of taxpaying discernment like what I do (and if you do not, then may Almighty God have mercy on your soul) will I am sure share my repulsion at the wickedness involved in this ridiculous theory.

Believe it or not, the outrageous idea being put forward by those clinging to the Saturn rings of reality is that human reproduction occurs as a result of foul connections made between chaps’ willies and the undercarriage of ladies which must of course remain a mystery to all but those fiends who seek satisfaction from the whore who treads our streets in search of perverted Chancellors of the Exchequer and Conservative Party Chairmen.

This attack upon the Christian Belief system at the core of our ethical commerce is not only despicable….it causes huge amounts of waste in the NHS we all know and recognise as the saviour of my family. Why, only yesterday my Health Secretary Mr Jeremy Runt was explaining to me how billions of Pounds are being wasted in self-styled ‘vaginal delivery’ rooms, when everyone knows that babies are delivered by Storks down the chimney via the internet site weebabbies.com. With reptilian tears in his eyes, Mr Frunt-Botham declared war on all those Godless Socialists getting in the way of women being allowed to greet their children privately in the hearth on Christmas Eve, as is the traditional British, er, tradition….without all that ghastly mess involving innards, afterbirths, poo and other inventions of Beelzebub.

Extremism comes in many forms, but few more depraved than the idea that pork sausages are there to rape innocent members of the fairer sex. Males of the species have them for two purposes alone: relief of the bladder, and entry into the mouths of roasted hog-heads….a rite of passage with which we blokes are all familiar.

And so I say to you my fellow European Unionists – as the Leader of the Conservative & Unionist Party – that I will do whatever it takes to ensure that the British genius for truculence and the European tradition of failure will be both recognised and celebrated by those members of my Party who have not buggered off to Vote Leave and/or the new Pink Centre in the meantime.

I make this sincere appeal for your support because We are the Ovaltineys happy girls and boys, we roll up sleeves and pull up socks then play with all our toys…..what’s that crook for? Hang on, I haven’t finished yet, I say do watch what you’re…..”

Last night at The Slog: let’s all be beastly to the Belgians