OFFICIAL: New currency to be called the Poundiplodolleuro

Reading between the guidelines still under discussion inside the corriders of power beyond mundane considerations which remain beneath contempt but above the Law, The Slog can tonight reveal that the new Poundiplodolleuro diplomatic barter currency will be launched once high-level Summit talks have reached an overall groundlevel of understandings.

I understand that the following relative values have been agreed by all parties:

  • 350 lashes inflicted upon an Englishman will equal 1 withdrawn Saudi torture prison contract
  • 1 forgotten EU migration controls pledge will equal 2 clauses about Britain not joining in
  • 25 air-strikes against Assad opponents will equal 46 bombing raids on ISIS, friendly fire notwithstanding
  • 1 starved Greek economy will equal 800,000 German immigrants, once the number has been reduced to 350,000
  • Each 10% rise in the stock markets will equal 1 0.5% fall in gdp
  • 1 anti-Erdogan Kurd is equal to 1 ISIS oil billionaire
  • 1 dead Sunni = 1 dead Shia, subject to future flotations
  • 1 Buk missile = two potential culprits
  • 1 MH17 plane = 288 dead passengers
  • 460 million useless Chinese solar garden lights = 1 toxic UK power station
  • 1 toppling Deutsche Bank = 469,000 panicked Commodity traders

The disussions remain ongoing.