Good whatever it is in your time zone, and first off today here are the full details of that fiveways global merger between Chatham House, the Cosa Nostra, the NSA, Common Purpose and the HMRC:
Right, now onto other matters of less import: David Cameron took the gloves of and rolled up his sleeves this morning as he got very, very tough indeed with the European Union. “I’m going to be,” he promised, “not just tough on the EU, but also tough on the causes of the EU. At the slightest sign of any fluffy, humanitarian causes gaining ground in the EU, we’re going to tell Brussels to pull its finger out, and then pull up its socks remembering of course to wipe the finger clean with wet-wipes first”.
So tough did the Prime Minister sound, even hardcore swivel-eyed utterly mad extremists in favour of leaving the Union admitted to being impressed. Said one time Tory Keeper of the Wonga Sir Cruddy Peatbog, “I think he has moved things forward to the point where we all need to take a step backwards and then move swiftly sideways and let him stand brave and alone to face what comes back from Brussels, Berlin, Strasbourg, Frankfurt, Luxembourg and Finland. Yes, we shall not see his like again”.
Mr Jeremy Berkeley-Hunt added, “I think it is a measure of just how tough the Prime Minister is being that he has completely dropped the demand for an end to free movement within the EU as being nowhere near tough enough. He is now pushing the envelope even further up Schäuble’s jaksey and saying Ha-Ha Kraut features, in fact this is way beyond tough and has become well-‘ard as the young thugs among the lower orders would say”.
The Fab Four Fukyu demands are to have Brussels accept that Britain remains ever-further away from ever-closer union; that the name ‘euro’ for the currency be scrapped in favour of ‘urine’, and made subservient to the Pound; to give all countries run by banks and progressive globalists a right to scrap all laws about anything to do with them; and all nine non-eurozone EU members to have 3 votes each in order to create a truly level playing field, plus an extra 31 for the City State of Borisconia.
“On balance and taking an objective view of what we want, we think if the Sprouts in Brussels who smell of chips really do have open minds, they should be willing to bow in the face of democracy,” said blonde bombshell Doris Jobdone of Borisconia.
But on the Vote Weave side of the fence, Faisal N’araj insisted that all beaches facing Europe should be mined, barb-wired and soaked in anthrax. “Nothing less will suffice, and if that oleaginous oily wanker Shameron wants a pissing contest then let’s get to it!” boomed Mirage as he reached into his plus fours.
Harvard Business School, in association with Exxon Oil, is delighted to announce that all 5,400 Islamic students who took the special 2013 1-Year Course in Oil pricing and Derrick Management passed with flying colours. Said visiting Professor Hank Bushgun:
“We are delighted to see that within just two months of completing the course, the 5,400 students had all joined ISIS and achieved between them a net worth of $2billion.”
Professor Bushgun added that shipping around 100,000 barrels of crude every day meant every student dragging 20 barrels towards Iran, Turkey and Kurdistan each and every day, something he described as “no mean feat”, and also the cause of many tired feet. Senior Vice President of Educational Liaison at Exxon Buddy Gushbum added:
“The acumen these fine kids showed in then hiring four hundred tankers a day speaks volumes about their sense of purpose, and the naivety of most Americans when it comes to media BS.”
The rapid progress made by the graduates had, however, given President ODrama no choice but to bomb the crap out of them, which he duly did.
British Chancellor St George the Nobsore has vowed to have a crackdown on corporate abusers shifting their money into tax havens. “Next year,” said Robsone, “I will be visiting every last one of these tax havens, rolling up the currency involved with my valued friends there, and getting on down to table-height to take it up the nose like a man. Some chaps prefer a hoe-down, but I’m very much a crackdown sort of fellow myself”.
During his visit to Lima, the Chancer was snapped examining white lines on a table, around which were also a selection of bronzed mammory glands. “St George is particularly interested in the Peruvian desalination programme,” a Treasury official explained later, “and the correlation between salt and breast cancer”.
Deposed former Australian interview Trappist Tony Abbott today entered the furore in relation to the real culprits behind the downing of Flight MH17. Freed from his vow of silence as Prime Ministrone*, Friar Abbott told newspersons, “I spoke in depth with national security officials at the time, whom I found without exception to be entirely trustworthy and American. They all assured me that the crash investigators who blamed peace-loving Ukrainian fighters against Russian aggression had been infiltrated by Russian brain-transplant surgeons personally trained by infamous child-abuser Vladimir Sputum. They assured me that in fact President Shootem had been captured on film by the CIA, bare-chested and personally launching the air-to-air rocket, and thus in the light of this overwhelming evidence, and my tertiary stupidity condition, I had no option but to accept their account”.
*Recent research by the University of WoombillaGoolagong showed that, in 47 paired comparison tests, Mr Ahbut had a higher IQ than spaghetti strands in a bowl of Minestrone soup on an impressive 36 occasions.