The latest minutes of the Federal Reserve Board were released yesterday, and reaffirmed the firm opinion affirmed at the last three meetings that, while the going was firm and very few economic signals were looking infirm, things had not quite reached the terra firma whereupon a decision to do something could be firmed up. The economic firmament was however looking increasingly affirmative, and while rumours of a miracle remained unconfirmed, it was important to keep the focus firmly on the main objective, propping up Banking firms. The one dissenting voice, Elmer Z. Firman of the Kansas City Cornball Exchange, said the agricultural payroll data gave him cause for concern about the nation’s firmers.
Following the quarterly loss by Deutsche Bank of 5.8 billion VW diesel derivatives this week, embattled commodities giant Glencore PLC admitted that 100 million hitherto undiscovered Elephants had escaped from its Corporate HQ meeting rooms, and were set to stampede through the New York financial district, causing havoc among bankers looking for hard surfaces thirty floors below. A research note from Bank of America Meryl Streep said she would star in the movie already pencilled to dramatise the development, Yet More Dumbos on Wall Street.
The Cross-border Interbank Payment System (CIPS) has been launched in Shanghai. Fan Yeifi (who lives in Shanghai and is a big fan of wifi) said this internationalisation of the Yuan was an impotent millstone for China. Zeng Gang – an anagram working for the Finance Institute of the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences (FISCAS) – asserted that, once the two organisations were fully merged following the launch, Fiscscipscaps would contain more s’s than any known acronym, be full of acrimony, and short of money.
Ecologically friendly activist group Codpiece is to launch the Flotilla for Fish after it was revealed that the 5 largest purchasers of US Treasuries – China, Russia, Norway, Brazil, and Taiwan – have been secretly dumping T-Bills in the waters off Finland. Codpiece organiser Dirk Wårmbërgs told The Slog: “During the 12-month period ended July this year, 123 zillion Treasuries were dumped off the Finnish coast – the biggest dump by any known species since data started to be collected yesterday. People simply do not understand that piling all this toxic material into the ocean could destroy the hornbacked shrimp population forever.” Asked why the Big Five had chosen to dump off Finland, Wãrmbêrgs replied, “Everyone hates the Finns, they’re a bunch of gobby moaners sucking up to Berlin”.
The global monetary system ‘could collapse into a failed normalisation of interest rates and market conditions’ warned IMF top frock Pristine Lagirdle last Wednesday. She also cited “Policy missteps and adverse shocks, vanishing liquidity, decompressed risk premia, tightening credit cycles and a plague of brimstone boils” as likely to impact upon the situation. The Grand Young Dukes of New York marched all their stocks down the hill, but within hours FOMC outsize frock Yelling Bonnet did nothing, and so the stocks were all marched up the hill again. Interviewed on CNN later, former Fed Chair Bin B’Nanka put forward his latest thesis ‘The Chance Doctrine’, which states that the effect of frocks on stocks could not be neutralised by pulling up socks or taking hands off cocks, but that all would be well just so long as the hollyhocks in the garden had been properly cut back, the clocks turned back in good time, and anti-Warlock powder put down to ward against the evil spirits of the Winter Solstice. Mr Binbanker, who wore a sports jacket back to front throughout the interview, looked relaxed and happy, joking at the end that “everyone should stay long in Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors”.
And finally, the news that the National Bank of Belgium has sold 1083 tons of its 1300 tons of gold over the last fifty years evoked a vigorous denial this morning from serial sovereign rapist and MEP Guy Veryoffentwat that he had hidden it in his coal cellar. “That is a ridiculous suggestion,” he scoffed, “only a fool would let all that lovely gold get dirty. It’s under my mattress”. Mr Verhofsfat has claimed over €31million euros in the last five years for medical treatment to cure his permanent back pain. In an unrelated incident, Frau Doktor Angela Mirakle refused to confirm that all the German gold repatriated from New York had turned out, on close examination, to be 7,000 packs of Benson & Hedges Special Filter cigarettes.