DAVEPLEA11015A message from D’vide Cameldung to his muddled subjects

“Right, pay attention proles because there’s clearly an awful lot of wrong-headed delusional thinking going on, and we here in the bubble simply will not tolerate the mentally ill resorting to non-violent extremism. So jolly well pull something up and roll others things up and listen up too.

As regards the Syrian crisis escalated entirely by power-mad monk and former KGB spy Vlad Rasputin, we do not know what proof you people need of his guilt. I mean we have a former Foreign Secretary Sir Malachite Driftin who this morning clearly proved that Russia has been throwing petrol on fires in a willy-nilly fashion when everyone knows we are desperately short of oil in order to keep the global recovery on track. In the Guardian we have more conclusive proof from The Ground that the attacks upon anti-Assad forces were undertaken deliberately, because local sources close to The Ground say so, so it must be true, so help me God why are you people so thick?

Can you please get it through your heads that the forces fighting against Assad have not been our devoted Arab Spring freedom-fighting allies for over a year, and it is goodness knows how long it must be ten years at least since they were the mortal enemies of our other loyal ally Mr Basil W Brush on account of them aspiring with Osama Bin Liner to rule the World. Let me clear about this: our enemies now are ISIL because they behead people, they don’t like Bassher Assad, and they don’t like the Muslim Brotherhood, who we now know are very sound and nicer than other Islamists and therefore entirely fair game for Senator John McWayne and his friends in the aeronautical sector to indulge in sales pitches.

As for Bassher himself, nobody likes him and that’s why we in the West must support him because it is in our nature to care for the underdog, especially as he is a reformed character since we accused him of using chemical weapons against his own people but then decided it was the Muslim Brotherhood who faked it which in turn explains why we nearly fell out with them until we realised that Vladimir Pumpkin didn’t like them and now he’s gone and bombed them and that just proves what we said all along.

I mean, how could we have been more consistent?

I have said this many times before, but it bears repetition: in order to keep our economic recovery on course for take-off and ready to take on more jobs from the off while remaining on-track for going off the HS2 rails, we must create jobs for those who accept the value of bombs in this our fight against all those opposed to the enlightened policies of President Badass Osama. Already today, looking at the world’s stock markets while helping Mr Unborn with the right way up thing, I can see that this whiff of war in the air has buoyed up every bourse from China to the City of London, which is yet more confirmation of our bold decision to give our friends in Beijing who used to be a stain on human rights the complete rights to build a nuclear reactor in Walsall out of solar garden light returns and toxic circuit boards.

So things are very much heading our way, and in that context it is vital we do not get any of this fluffy peacenik nonsense from new Opposition leader Jellybean Cordite and his anti-Trident NVEs in the Labour Party. I like Mr Corbachev, I really do, because we could have Mickey Mouse in Number Ten and still win the next election whether I keep Donald Duck in Number Eleven or not. But there are limits to those I am prepared to have in my circle. I have standards to keep up, given the past names I have honoured with my friendship, for example Leapon Britkids, Rebekah Fooks, Andy Coolspin, James Turdfoch, Chancellor Giddyup Nobsore, and of course our fine health typist Mr Jermyn Cant.

I therefore ask you today to rest easy in your beds in the knowledge that Theresa Mayormaynot put everyone behind bars until all this unpleasantness has blown over, out, or up. And in the meantime our gallant forces stand ready to put all these sooty little towel heads in their place.

God bless you all and grant you the wisdom to do as I say, not as I do.”

Yesterday at The Slog: There’s gold in them thar Pagodas