SKETCH: Cameron in new blow-holes scandal

 PM INFAMOUS FOR FACIAL HOLE FELLATIO OUTLINES BIG SIX IDEAS FOR FRACKING HOLE FUTURES

After several consultations with oilco donors and Donald Trump, David Cameron has been so enthused by  Daniel Hannan’s Six Big Reasons to Get Fracking, he is feeling jolly pumped up about it.

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Indeed, if Dave gets any more pumped up and porky (fnar fnar) Scamantha will be going off him bigtime. However, a Cabinet Office spokesman confirmed that the Prime Minister was excited by Danny Boy’s Big Six possibilities:

  1. There are going to be some very big holes indeed out there, and if there’s one thing the Conservative Party needs at the moment, it’s somewhere to bury bodies, EU fascism, UK manufacturing data, the National Debt numbers, bestiality evidence, Elm House evidence, Chilcot Reports, NHS financial data, Judicial corruption, police witch-hunters, Newscorp emails, and Mark Williams-Thomas.
  2. Britain is still desperately short of sports stadia, and fracking’s architectural approach to extracting shale gas provides an excellent second use for every hole left behind after Year 3:

frackgag1Above we see the newly finished open-air swimming stadium in Invernessikinkelly where fans can hike 45 miles across beautiful Scottish countryside and watch the British Olympic vicious-circle swimming team in action.

frackgag3Also nearing completion in the pit previously called Worksop is this, thought to be possibly the world’s tallest Subbuteo venue. The arena will hold 78,000 fans, to the walls, using seat belts developed last year for the HS2 scheme.

3. Food manufacturing will benefit where perhaps water might suffer, but we can’t have water without a fully functioning go-ahead economy. Below we see the new Caramel river created by fracking just north of Bristol where, although the Brunel Bridge unfortunately collapsed, Bristolians have gained a new mountain there in the background owing to the the beneficial effects of gas-tension when igneous and calcairian rocks collide. The Caramel produced will provide enough dentally-enhancing chocolate bar filling to add much-needed protein to every starving child in Britain, as well as lighting them up on the way home from school of a winter’s evening.

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4. To be renamed One humped-Caramel, the site above is also expected to become an enormous tourist attraction. The Government has stressed that, once the UK has been completely excavated to produce entirely new colours, micro-climates rivers, volcanoes, deserts and oceans, it will be rebranded Britannia Park – dwarfing by many times all other theme parks on the planet.

Below we see a taste of things to come, as a surfer jumps onto the Atomic Tsunami Ride created by the unique confluence of a Chinese-built reactor near Skegness, and the large Cavern  beat combo venue in the centre of renamed Pontefracked:

frackgag65. Keen as the Prime Minister is on pop music classics such as Jumpin’ Jack Clarkesville by the Rolling Monkees and the unforgettable Junk Bond Music album from The Loving Pistols, he is particularly keen on this post-fracking site in Lancashire:

frackgag4“Next year will see the 50th anniversary of the Beatles’ wonderful album Corporal Punishment’s Diversity Bullingdon Band,” he told confused reporters, “and of course those of us who were five months old at the time remember only too well the track about 4,000 holes in Blackburn Lancashire. So to mark the occasion – having marked the landscape indelibly by opening it up for business – we’re going to give away absolutely free one hole to each homeless pensioner who can name everyone on the album’s front cover, while all those who can’t even remember that The Beatles were called Greg, Joe, Pete and Bingo will be referred to the new Iain Duncan-Smith Memory Clinic.”

6. As all the holes are right in the path of the HS2 revised route, the rail project will be put on ice for the time being, and all the previously purchased track used to fill the small hole that engulfed Edinburgh last week.

Earlier at The Slog: Very Big Hole expected soon in Shanghai

14 thoughts on “SKETCH: Cameron in new blow-holes scandal

  1. At least they take the trouble to make a hole.I read USA coal miners dont bother with deep vein ,they just blow the top off mountains to reveal the coal beneath ,push the crapp (ridding) into the nearest valley which pollutes the steams and hey presto ,happy days are here again.Its cheaper that way I guess.

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  2. A football stadium merely needs to be constructed in disused gravel pits. As a result the home team are more likely to win on aggregate.

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  3. I remember visiting my Great Aunt in England in the 1950’s and being shocked at how she and her Dentist husband lived. The place was always cold they didn’t have a car nor a dryer for drying their laundry and many other comforts that we enjoyed in the United States were missing.

    Cheap energy that allows for big houses and big cars is not a environmentally friendly lifestyle but it is a comfortable way to live. That’s why the wealthy have personal jets, yachts and multiple mansions, conservation is for the little guys.

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  4. The ghost is pointing out something that is well know in the oil and gas business and that is the fact that the world has abundant reserves of oil and gas. The question for Great Britain is WHO do you want to trust for your energy needs? Vladimir? The boys from Houston? Or do you want to be self sufficient? Your choice.

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  5. Dear Sloggers.Those who post links – (most of you) – might soon have a problem as a result of an utterly obscure decision in an utterly obscure courtroom in a faraway place ( North Wales) of which you know nothing.In brief there has been a net war going on between certain people who you’ve never heard of,but the implications for all netters could be enormous.
    P.S.This involves the idiot Spivey – do I need to say more?.
    Go to http://outlawjimmy.com/current/puer-aeternus/
    & scroll down to the comment of OldGit @ 9.40 am.
    In short Mr.Ward,if this guy gets convicted then you dare not link – or allow links – to any site that does not give you permission to link to it.

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  6. As long as it distracts the people from thought. UK has its own manbearpig now. Those pictured canyons and rivers in the US are brought to you by the Environmental Pollution Agency who’s new motto is; “We make you inedible”.

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  7. Just to be clear, this IS NOT Eugenics.
    http://www.rt.com/uk/314007-un-investigates-disability-rights/

    Under a new Britgov Llc scheme, the government will be employing several thousand van drivers to take mentaly and physically disabled people for a nice little drive.

    In order to enhance their chances of getting off benefits the government will be fitting special exhaust systems to the van which will feed the life-giveing and career enhancing diesel fumes directly into the van.

    The chief pigsticker has declared that “it is simply not fair that a bunch of idle, feckless, evil disabled people should be consuming oxygen, food, water and emitting CO2 when the necro-bestiality party was doing so much to make ordinay peasants lives so miserable.”

    “It is only right that these people, who clearly made themselves disabled on purpose to exploit the benefits system, should be made to suffer even more than ordinary peasants” said a member of the necro-bestiality deviant kiddyfiddler party who wished to remain anonymous.

    The BBC will be hosting another 8,452 programmes this week which “totaly prove” that this people are deliberately exploiting the system.

    Meanwhile United Nations Special Rapporter Ali Throatslitter from Saudi Arabia will be arriving shortly to ignore the evidence and give Dunkin Doughnuts and the necro-bestiality Party a clean bill of health and a nice new coat of whitewash.

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