VW DIESELBOLLOCKS EXCLUSIVE: Schauble tells media, “It’s all Greek Double-Dutch to me”

drivelbloke1Dutch global bailin template manufacturer Jeroan V. W. Dieselbollocks has been caught red-handed by US authorities deceiving the entire world about its emissions of bigfatfib pollutant in relation to Greek debt. By mid morning today, 7.3 million unsound bites had been recalled, withdrawn and then erased regarding template launches in Cyprus and Greece, while 4 million models in Italy, Spain and France have come forward to accuse Dieselbollocks Fiscal Fallacies GmBh of rape involving fiscal phalluses being rammed down their throats.

wolfspy1515ptnetSpeaking from Berlin, Oberstürmbannreichsgauleiterfiskaluniongeheimeführer Wolfpack Schnebel told reporters from Der Völkische Beobachter, “I do not recall ever working with this company, which I am told was a minor supplier to my Eurogruppenschutzstäffel and so this is nothing to do with me, although if I were you I’d talk to Frau Merkel, she might know something”.

This afternoon, founder Jeroan V. W. Dieselbollocks issued a statement saying “I personally am deeply sorry that we have been caught breaking the trust of our customers and the public, but I wish only to point out that no submarines disappeared on my watch – and I am keen to reassure all EU citizens that this sort of grubby tabloid witch hunt will never be allowed to happen again.”

MaartenVerwey21915King Maarten I of Greece was unavailable for comment, owing to a subsequent engagement in the excavation of a large bunker for the storage of all information about his secret life as cross-dressing call-girl Vermey La Porte.

Earlier at The Slog: Attempts to disable The Slog

40 thoughts on “VW DIESELBOLLOCKS EXCLUSIVE: Schauble tells media, “It’s all Greek Double-Dutch to me”

  1. american cars kill 197 people and the usa manf. is fined half a billion. vw manf. cars kill no one and they are to be fined 18 billion. the regulators are american so it says it all.


  2. V W might be just the first car maker to be rumbled – I’m sure all the big manufacturers share “innovations”. As it’s so hard to meet the emission standards, it seems very likely ALL modern diesels are programmed to cheat the tests with similar secret software. So we might expect our (diesel) cars to return from their next servicing with much reduced power and performance.


  3. Thats when it could get interesting…..all those sales made based on economy and performance …now at best they will get to choose one or the other?
    Buyers in the last year would be entitled to a refund under sog act without trying too hard in uk…the others….maybe a class aCtion?
    As you say probably its not only vw and that its only happened because one of the other US makers is bitching.


  4. Shame, Hiero; picking on the handicapped. OK, you couldn’t resist, it was B E G G I N G to be said.


    Yours truly wonders what the R E A L story is. Something along the lines of all exploding at a preset time. And that is the least of the horror inducing possibilities.


  5. There are many diesel vehicles that have an under bonnet reservoir of urea, built into the intake system.
    The quantities involved are small and the top up intervals are “multiple years”.
    I couldn’t fathom why this would be, given the mileages covered.
    It is a serviceable item at your local dealers if the motor fails its emissions tests.
    So obviously not “a secret” in the industry. Clearly just bollocks just waiting to be manipulated for public consumption.
    This makes me wonder how this action will rebound on the greater public.


  6. Given that you are the first Slogger to spot this, it’s pretty likely that the public will fall for the scam hook line and sinker.

    After all, VW’s share price plummeted… so obviously the shareholding public don’t own diesels ;-) (either that, or they simply didn’t know what the amber flashing light on their dashboard was during their last service… )


  7. Well, well, well!

    Every major car manufacturer is selling diesel cars that fail to meet EU air pollution limits, according to a report released this month.

    While Volkswagen has made the headlines by admitting to rigging pollution tests with software in VW and Audi diesels, new figures reveal that nine out of 10 diesels breach emissions regulations.



  8. A convoluted argument ,but you could say America was slow to embrace small fuel efficient diesel cars and many are sold with 3 to 5 litre petrol engines fitted with catalytic converters .Cats don’t clean the emissions until the engine is properly hot ,so any short journey / cold engine returning about 14mpg probably a wouldn’t pass any emission regs.either .
    Remind me, how much of the worlds energy do they consume.


  9. Ol” DieselBollocks seems to be saying he is only extremely sorry (because) he had been caught, not because they had calculatingly abused the trust of their clients….

    …what’s new?, business as usual these days be you a meber of the elite, a pillar of corporatism or a politician.

    It is only the regret at having been CAUGHT….


  10. Thank you Peter C, for the heads up on diesel engines.
    Had no idea about the urea thing until I read your comment. Research tells me that AdBlue is the liquid that keeps diesels up to scratch.? I bought a second hand 1.4 diesel Audi A2 (year 2004) about 12 months ago. I absolutely love the car. It’s a quirky drive, but great on fuel consumption and £30 per year road tax. That said I don’t know where it fits in this ‘software emissions suppression’ scandal? No doubt we’ll find out in the coming weeks.
    Maybe, it’s just another example of technological advancement that we have to take with a pinch of salt?
    Thanks again Peter.


  11. All that’s new is that VW has been caught doing a little extra by being a little extra cunning. All modern diesel cars have come with a Diesel Particulate Filter, its sole purpose is to side-step the MOT-type emissions test, it’s not needed for anything else. When static and idling for an emissions test, the DPF soaks up all the shitty stuff, emitting only fragrant pixie-farts from the tail-pipe. Once on the road and running at speed, the ECU software triggers the DPF to ignite itself and burn off all those shitty residues, shunting them out of the tail-pipe into the otherwise fresh atmosphere. Thus the car appears ‘clean’ when tested but is, in fact, every bit as nasty as every other diesel engine always has been – it’s the nature of the beast.
    The domestic road-car is no place for a diesel engine, never was, never will be – OK for trucks, tractors and taxis, but never in a regular passenger car – maybe this will help folk learn the ‘facts of engine life’ the hard way.


  12. Funny how the price of diesel has fallen below that of unleaded petrol in the UK. Funny indeed.
    Did someone somewhere know this was coming?


  13. Actually, R2D4, Hiero may not be so far off of the mark, resp, not taking a shot at those who are physically challenged – though he may not know it. Over here in the Fatherland it is an open secret that Wolfie Wheelchair is rather partial to a few drops of the hard stuff. It is not known if his volume of consumption is sufficient to render him ‘paralytic’, but it is said to be a respectable volume at regular intervals.


  14. Maybe there will be a large surplus of foreign workers in germany now that the car factories are in deep trouble.
    The indigenous residents can look forward to big tax hikes in order to pay for the idle hands newly arriving in the fatherland.
    What will they do all day in their new lives on german soil? Might just have to stay in bed. oink oink…
    Marvellous isn’t it?


  15. Can anyone direct me to the most recent reports of:

    For diesel cars co2 emmissions and mpg performance statistics.

    Us diesel cars.

    UK diesel cars

    It seems VW diesels should be in the top spots for these statistics, if not VW engineering must have fallen off a veritable cliff.

    From the fuss being made surely all these VW cars fitted with the software patch must have stuck out suspiciously, if not this sounds as another case of the US castigating the foreigner again.


  16. Any truth in the rumour that Frau Merkel is placing a contract for the software to report the number of ‘refugee’ immigrants settled in Germany and those who she has shuffled on to other EU member states ? Apparently the preferred bidder is Volkswagen’s in-house IT Department……..


  17. Brainshit
    I tend to think that the fact it does 2x mpg may have had a lot to do with it: making cheap motoring cheaper is ‘good’ politics as far as the current shower are concerned.


  18. I have tried to find nasties in this case history, but there aren’t any: the guys who discovered the scam are based IN BERLIN and work for a company SUPPORTING diesel as a fuel. For once, it looks like the Truth prevailed.
    However, drilling down among engine experts, it seems clear to me that EVERY carmaker is fitting false ‘pass-test’ gizmos to fool the authorities.
    And that’s if you believe the emissions stuff in the first place, which at times I do find flakey.


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