NVEOMGOMG…could I be an NVE?

Do you…

think £70bn of austerity will make a dent in a debt that’s risen from £0.76 trillion to £1.36 trillion since the Conservatives came to power? Yes   No   Don’t Know

believe that economic growth can come from raping the economy in Greece and diluting the spending power of British employees by 30%? Yes   No   DK

think Rebekah Brooks knew about phone-hacking at Newscorp? Yes   No   DK

think Andy Coulson isn’t a perjurer? Yes   No   DK

believe that Michael Fallon knew nothing about Libor rate-fixing? Yes   No  DK

accept that Jeremy Hunt did nothing wrong during the BSkyB bid? Yes   No   DK

think that radical non-violent ideas should be against the law? Yes   No   DK

believe Rupert Murdoch never uses his newspapers for commercial ends? Yes   No   DK

accept that the Daily Telegraph is an authoritative source of information? Yes   No   DK

conclude that the Leveson report made a real difference to tabloid abuse in the UK? Yes   No   DK

believe the Met Police work fearlessly to protect the Rights of the Citizen? Yes   No   DK

accept that the world’s stock markets accurately reflect the global economy? Yes   No   DK

think that Boris Johnson has nothing to hide? Yes   No   DK

Check out your level of extremity NOW!

For each question, the answer Yes scores 0, No 5, and  DK 2

60 – 65: Be very afraid. Your extreme sense of reality means you could end up voting for the Devil’s extremist son, Jeremiah Korbynovitch. I’d imagine your phone is already tapped, and Theresa May has lined you up in the vanguard of those soon to be rounded up and sent to the new Valium camps being set up everywhere to ensure your particularly non-violent form of extremely extreme extremism is controlled scientifically.

40 – 59: With a bit of luck and some generally spineless behaviour, there’s every chance that hardly anyone will spot your extremism, especially as you seem to have only a mild form of NVE disorder. Keep warm, stay indoors, and avoid all satirical references to trickle-down wealth, words that rhyme with Hunt, Margaret Thatcher’s flaws, or what a total dickwit Milton Friedman actually was.

12 – 39: I think you can regard yourself as pretty safe. In fact, there’s a good chance your hands are regularly in the safe. You probably have an internet site claiming to quality-control service suppliers, but simply grab every rogue cowboy you can find, take their money, and then give all consequent complainants’ details to the Met Police as potential paedophile suspects. Being stupid, you think all the ugly rumours about Tim Yeo, George Osborne and Mark Williams-Thomas are just more spiteful Left wing poppycock, and Boris Johnson is a regular bloke just like you and good for him. Such extreme thoughts as you have are reserved for shifty Greeks who don’t pay their bills.

11  –  0: Congratulations, all is well in your world and there is no trace genetic or otherwise in your being of obsessively logical dot-joining – the first and most distressing symptom of NVE. You live in the South East of England (or Edinburgh) and have a comfortable semi-retired life following an interesting career in accountancy at the international pharmaceutical company Omnimed’s European HQ in Walton on Thames. Your friends are Conservative Party activists, Round Table enthusiasts, Sheriffs, Masons, and senior policemen. You voted New Labour twice because of your approval of Tony Blair, and you think Prince Philip to be quite the best thing that ever happened to Britain. You are delighted by the election of Jeremy Corbyn to the Labour leadership as this will quite obviously lead to a Tory hegemony in perpetuity – and especially in Woking. You have a signed picture of yourself with Dan Hannan. You consider yourself to have done very well given humble Grammar School Boy beginnings in Orpington.

Earlier at The Slog: How we can all become the biggest mutual in the world in two weeks