SUNDAY SPLASH: Becky Wade relaunched as ‘Psycho Escapologist hackette’ as Theresa May hits EU with umbrella and Tamara’s tits come out for the boys

All human life is there, but not Rebekah Brooks. What can that mean?

Look through all the British Sunday Newspapers this morning, and you will find a lot that is unintentionally funny – plus even more that’s disturbing. But not a whimper of outcry is raised about the impending appointment of justice perverting not-guilty sociopath media supremo Becky Wade, the spin-artist formerly known as Rebekah Brooks, to the CEO position at Newscorp. Peter Jukes and other associated journalists with a spine now face an uphill struggle to unearth the even smellier poo at the centre of King Turdoch’s Empire of Smear. But it’s a task that must and will be undertaken. Dial Murdoch for Murder: it has a certain ring to it. Mickey Spillane is long-dead, but the wise-guy colloquial prose would fit such a novel perfectly.

And of course, we must remember that such a book would only be fiction, for to suggest otherwise would represent criminal libel, and we mustn’t go there oh dear me no. One woman I always think of as a piece of fiction is our Home Secretary Theresa May, who is of course in constant communication with Rupert of the multiple nationality disorder. Indeed, on the front page of Turdoch’s flaccid organ The Sundry Chimes today he has Mrs Mayormaynot “demanding” that the EU drop its free movement of labour clause. For all kinds of other reasons, I think the clause should be incinerated too; but whereas most people think she’s setting the negotiating bar so high because she’s a daft mare, once again I tend to see Rupe the Dupe in there poking the ice-pick in Dave’s eye. The Digger loathes Cameron, and would prefer a Prime Minister displaying rather fewer Communist tendencies. And Theresa Placeforme is an ambitious nonentity with designs on choosing the Number Ten curtains one day.

Over at the Daily Wail, Dacre the Dave Impaler is also at work, splashing the MoS with a banner headline saying the military top brass all blame Cameron for the rise of Jihadism in general and ISIS in particular. That’s a bit like blaming penguins for climate change, but then Paul D’Acresofdosh is deranged and so we must expect such method in his, er, mania.

In the midst of refugee horror, liberties being baseball-battered, the Rule of Law being “screw the poor” and a hundred other corporacratic damnations, The Independent leads with a new Tory shocker: the reform of Britain’s driving regulations. It is simply more neolib privatising, job cuts and test centre closures, the end goal of which is to perhaps produce a nation of incompetent speed freaks and then sell Sky contracts offering 24/7 live coverage of the carnage. It’s all a coverage-up, I tell you. Well actually, it’s just a bloody awful lead.

corbynQtime2Best LOL of the day for me so far was The Observer’s front page attack by Moral Tone upon Jeremiah Corbynovitch, in which Bush buddy accuses the front-runner for Labour’s leadership of “living in a parallel reality”. This is roughly on the same level as Imelda Marcos accusing Mother Theresa of owning too many shoes, but it does beg the simple question about which reality failed QC Tony Blair inhabits. Is it, we wonder, a reverse or inverse reality? A perpendicular with crooked tendencies reality? A sloped playing field black hole reality? We do not know we cannot tell what pain Tony had to bear. We only know it wasn’t for us he hung on and hoovered up the money there.

And so to the tabloids. If today is anything to go by, Rupert Bearfacedliar has decided to move the tits from Page Three to page one, where ‘Tamara’ gets a boob out and tells us why she’s happy to breast feed in public. That is, to get on the front page of the Sun. It is the tabloid façon these days to only use the first names of Conference League celebs, so I’ve no idea whoTF Tamara or any of the others are. I will merely relay to you that Kym is an angel, Adele has said no to £80m, and Bobby betrayed somebody.

The other thing they have is that single-event description thing to define one’s identity in perpetuity. So a bloke dumped by the MoD after he lost a leg is Funeral Soldier, because he was a pallbearer at Princess Diana’s Gladioli rally. A Bristolian teacher falsely accused of murder became Pink Hair Weirdo. And the poor chap hounded by hacks last week instantly became Airshow Death son. During my brief day in the sun having discovered Gordon Brown’s depression and eyesight problems, I became Brown Bonkers Blogger. Those the tabloids wish to demonise they first saddle with a silly ID; which of course stands for I’m Demonised, bah-boom.

So before I leave you to your Sunday lunch, let’s end on a foodie note from the Mirror. It’s a classic of awful puns and daft irrelevance, but then that’s tabloid journalism – and these days, you can do a Ph D in it.

bakeoffmirror2It’s all there – alliterative brulée pun, the Bake-Off/Rip-Off play, and ‘knives out’ (Gerritttt????) for chef Ian Cumming…who is now doomed to be forever ‘Bake-Off Star’.

Let’s make Rebekah Brooks ‘Psycho Escapologist hackette’. Tony Blair ‘Chilcott Burial twat’, George Osborne White powder Budget Bender’ and Theresa May ‘Top Cop Bonker’. Oops. Sorry – that one slipped out.

27 thoughts on “SUNDAY SPLASH: Becky Wade relaunched as ‘Psycho Escapologist hackette’ as Theresa May hits EU with umbrella and Tamara’s tits come out for the boys

  1. another good roundup of the sunday trash has saved me money. why would i pay for them when i can read your good interpretation. thank you JW.

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  2. OY Oy !! Teresa May Top Cop Bonker ? You ve let the cat out now – Elucidate please! Has she developed a penchant for Hagen Daz–She has diabetes and should avoid sweet stuff…

    I do know who Adele is … She s a multimillionaire songstress actually who had a big hit with “Always Chasing Payments ” . Apt.

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  3. Page 16 of the INdependent ‘Fury at Brooks return to helm’.

    I only read the Sunday Independent because it has the best reporting from the Middle East with Robert Fisk and Patrick Cockburn. Both blow the conventional wisdom/reporting to smithereens on a regular basis.

    Autum is closing in here and I’m off to umpire my last game of the season. Always makes me sad. With the typhoon season having another month or so in the Far East, it’s time to plot the getaway. Cricket season starts late October in Hong kong and the Philippines.

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  4. Corbyn and a parallel reality … depends which parallel reality you live in does it not?
    The overpopulated, poor, miserable existence one or the well to do wealthy elite one.
    Actually which reality is real? Well what was all the fuss of 300K net migration in a year recently if over population is not an issue!
    This news surpressed because a 9 month count of a 200K+ head count prior to the election so that the Tories would get re-elected … wtf.
    That you can no longer have a vote of confidence in a deceitful government anymore so for 5 f%^king years we have to endure their lies.
    On top of that business leaders demanding that this level of immigration be maintained because they get cheap Labour.
    Like a Hungarian from down south going up north for training so his trainers can then be sacked coz he is cheaper.
    That you ain’t never going to build 150K homes for migrants let alone catch up on the backlog for the British citizen.

    The stupid ignorant pathetic hypocritical British people when their choice through voting ensures their children will struggle to find a job, home family = a life, although they will gladly accept all bribes to keep them sweet until the next issue. That is the reality I see and it is more in tune to Corbyn words than the self legislated thieves running parliament and the country.

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  5. I think that Jeremy Corbyn is very possibly the reincarnation of Jesus Christ: the initials, ethics, and concerted attempts to crucify him speak to more than just coincidence. Does anyone have more information on this?

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  6. True, Roland; and, of course, if he gets elected (which I certainly hope he does) it will be a miracle, which would be further proof. I’m looking forward to the casting out of the money lenders.

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  7. Well done John, you have a spring in your script today, must be the crispness in the early autumn air.
    I attended the Jeremy Corbyn rally on Oldham Road in Manchester last night. I was impressed, he comes over as an honest principled man. His policies are nothing new or radical.Just old style Labour socialist values,hardly revolutionary. But he articulates an alternative to the rabid onslaught of neo-liberalism and its bastard child ,austerity. The youth were well represented among a sell-out crowd of over 2500. and I could see they were enthused by his message.
    That is why he is considered dangerous by the Establishment, he represents a real alternative to the youth. The Labour movement may commence a rebirth after its demoralisation by the failed values of the New Labour project.
    Only reservation I have is that Jezzer is a little weak on Economics ( like the majority of politicians), but that can be sorted by bringing on board the advice of Economists such as Bill Mitchell or Michael Hudson.
    A little ray of hope shown bright in M/cr last night.

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  8. That’s good to hear, SL. My earlier flippancy aside, he has all the appearances of being both honest and principled, and we’ve had plenty of practice at spotting the fakes. One can only hope.

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  9. He’s not the Messiah. He’s a very naughty boy!
    And, so I’m told, virgins in North Islington are thin on the ground.

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  10. You being over in the land of foreign, JW, you will no doubt be more familiar than some of us with that saying about things what change staying the same and such.

    Your recent articles prompt far off, fond memories of that cheerful old cove Sir Gerald Nabarro and his famously honest claim (taken from the Southampton Echo) in connection with a speeding conviction:

    “It underlines the simple point I made, that if a man can afford to pay he will secure justice. The man who cannot afford to pay will rarely secure it.

    “I have deep satisfaction that justice has been done, calumny has been defeated, procrastination and equivocation have been set aside; and that 12 clear-minded men have dutifully attended the requirements of the court.”

    Now, if that’s not integrity, please explain.

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  11. Nabarro lived life to the full with best handlebar moustache that ever graced the Commons. Although seen by many in those days as on the Tory Right, today he would probably be a genuine one-nation Conservative.

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  12. I think that Corbyn plan to nationalize the coal mines might work if he immediately reburied the coal and claimed a “carbon offset” for the effort.

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  13. All this enthusiasm over the lure of ‘hope’ and changing the system sounds eerily familiar. Those here who believe that the men behind the curtains would actually allow JC to upset their apple-cart are surprisingly naive. And the idea that his appeal to the young and inexperienced in life is a good pointer to selecting a leader capable of resolving the country’s ills is hardly credible.

    ” …… unlike some other prominent Labour better-off-outers like Kate Hoey, he is not opposed to free movement.” Writing in The Independent recently, he said that there are “strong arguments for staying in”. Asked recently by the Observer to clarify his position on the EU, Corbyn suggested his preferred position was for the UK to remain inside a reformed community. “Labour should set out its own clear position to influence negotiations, working with our European allies to set out a reform agenda to benefit ordinary Europeans across the continent,” he said. “We cannot be content with the state of the EU as it stands. But that does not mean walking away, but staying to fight together for a better Europe.”

    Perhaps someone can explain how that differs from Cameron and particularly how it fits with the majority anti-EU stance on this blog? Or how counting Hamas and Hezbollah as his “friends” is likely to resolve M.E. problems?

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  14. Demonised by the Stony Bliar? There can be no better recommendation. Did he ever sort out Arthur & Martha?
    No matter, I suppose.

    Until Corbyn stops being coy about the EU, I’ll continue to regard him as a “Big Govt is Good” collectivist dope.
    The EU is marching toward Bankster Fascism as surely as the US & UK.

    i2.photobucket.com/albums/y35/Tony1M/MarchofTyranny-1.jpg

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  15. Absolutely fair comment, alexei. Many of us have said we don’t necessarily agree with his politics. However, the fact that he is a genuine man of principle – almost unheard of in the current Westminster rabble – is enough to recommend him. Nobody expects him to succeed, or to be allowed to succeed, but a vote for honesty despite that is an indication of just how desperate things are.

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