Desperate couple Jess Feckov and his significant other Anne Dye have escaped from Blighty plc to the relative safety of communitarian France. But an understanding of the contemporary world continues to evade them.
JF: Seefingizzlike, what I don’t get, right, is wassa difference between a benchmark and a basket?
AD: Wull, I’d say, right, if you’re a bit of a basket case wiv a chisel, yer leave a mark on the bench when, yer know, yer doin’ DIY an shit.
J: Nah nah nah looook, listen right? If I got a basket of currencies, why do I need like, fingizzlike, a benchmark?
A: Yer dint mention nuffink about curries. I fought you wuz talkin’ bart woodwork….
J: Narr I’m talking bart money, right? Notes, coins an that. Why do I need a benchmark to know what they’re worf when I’ve got a basket? Only, that Pristine Lowgrade bint roit, sheeee sez she aint gonna put China’s benchmark in ‘er basket
A: Wull, If you got a lot o’ them yer know benchmarks, they give yer a basket ter put em in. Uvwise, right, you’d keep droppin’ em. But anyway, yer know what a euro’s worf duntya? I mean, we been ‘ere nar for free years, so you know a euro’s worf one ‘undred centimetres innit?
J: Loooook, any knob’ead knows that, but wot’s it worf in Beijing?
A: Thassin China innit? Why the feck dowhy care whorrit’s worf in China….
J: We gotta know wot its worf there, on account of if its worf more there, we could go an live there, right?
A: Wull, I do like a nice Chinese. Why’s the euro worf more there then?
J: Cos them old blokes in the wassername….the er…you know, where all the top chinks live…
J: Nowoooo yer bellend, the….
J: Nowooo…the pol…the pol…
J: Politburo…you know, the politburo roight, it runs evverfink innit?
A: Whyzzit called the politburo then?
J: Cos they’re nobs and polite and its an office I spect. Any’ow, they devalued the Yuan.
A: What they do that for? Where’s Yuan anyway?
J: It’s not a place numptie, it’s their money. Ter make it worf less.
A: They wanna make their own money worfless? Whavvafeck they wanna do that for?
J: Nowooo….worf – less, roit? So it means their people can’t afford our goods so they buy chinky rubbish instead…
A: ‘ere vat’s racism vat is in terdaze multcutsiety thassa diebollockal liberty that is, you can’t say that sort of….
J: Alright, Chinese rubbish. But the main fing is, if we sling our ‘ook over ter China roit, we can live betta if we take all arr euros wiv us.
A: But I fort yer said evryfink Chinese is rubbish. It’s rubbish enuff ‘ere wivout makin’ fings any worse…
J: Nowoooo, they sell us the rubbish roit, but yer Chinese see, they ain’t stupid. I mean that bloke Confusion, ‘e was the first Philofficer.
A: ‘e waz?
J: Yurr, straight up – senior officer in charge of fillin’ ‘eads wiv wisdom and that.
A: My mum used to love Norman Wisdom….
J: Whatevva look, seefingizzlike, worritizzizz, if we pack a suitcase full of euros and catch a cheap flight to Beijing, we can live like millionaires.
A: Wot, you mean like we could ‘ave a swimmin’ pool?
J: Swimmin’ pool? Listen gull, wiv that many Chinese we could ‘ave a feckin gene pool. Evry forf baby in the world is Chinese, yer know.
A: Thank feck we stopped at three.
J: ‘ere, vat’s racist vat is, you can’t say vat sort o’ fing in terdays wotsit yer know multkulchril shit.
A: Nowoo it ain’t, I just meant roit I’m ‘appy wiv our free likul princesses Cardomom, Piper, an’ Aria. I wunt want no daft name if the forf one was Chinese – you know, like Fong or Dung or Bling or summat.
J: What are you loike babe?
A: I wantid ter be like Victowia Beckim, but then I discovered Pizza. ‘ere, der they do pizzas in China an that?
J: Oo needs pizza when you can ‘ave number 44 in Hoisin sauce….
What Jess & Annie haven’t noticed is that the euro is back at 1.40 to the £, and that 89% of Chinese live at or below the UN definition of poverty. Don’t miss the confusion, thrills and spills in the next episode of Jess Feckov Anne Dye.