Alexis Tsipras was tonight “strongly resisting” the suggestion from German Eurocleansing Minister Wolfgang Schutzstaffel that “Europe needs more than just worthless Greek promises before handing over the hard-earned money honestly made by Germans supplying cutting-edge under the radar invisible submarines to the soviet military in Athens”.

The suggestion put to this, the last and final farewell tour this is it no more shit emergency our patience is exhausted Eurosummit by Herr Sturmbile, is apparently that Berlin should hold all Cretians hostage for safe keeping until such time as the stringvested Communists of Syriza have demonstrated “a consistent track record of repaying all new bailout monies made out to the Wolfie Wheeliebin Self-Pïty Appeal”.

Tonight, a snap poll of of Athenians conducted by Allock&Bollocks Research showed a 78% majority in favour of the Cretian hostages being summarily shot come what may.

“We have seen these empty words and staged shots of Greeks searching in trash cans for food so many times before,” Herr Wolverrückt Schnitzelgrüber added reasonably, “but this time they must back up their false promises by obeying orders we have given at all times as to how all Europeans are equal and the Germans are good law-abiding members of the European Union, an ideal for which our woefully misunderstood Führer strove at all times”.

As 26 EU finmins rose to their feet in rapturously robotic applause, Dutch eurogroupe Commissar Jelly Drivelbloke appealed for the meeting to give the Greek delegation a fair hearing prior to its hanging by piano wire for extreme and seditiously peaceful resistance to the Triumph of the Will of the small number of unelected eurogroupe people interpreting the Will of the unrepresented People.

“I must stress,” said CDU MP Martin Schulz, “that the crucifixion of all those Greek voters known to have opposed our generous bailout terms has not as yet been ruled out”.

Ruled out of order for rising to his feet in order to answer the charges laid against Greece by Feldmarschal Wolf Gangrene, Prime Minister Tsipras was given 500 lines (‘I must not interrupt my betters when they are shitting on me’) by Head Prefect Onkle Drunker. Tsipras promised solemnly to hand them in by 6 am the following morning. The German delegation agreed – with the proviso that, for every minute the Greek PM was late, one Elgin marble would be sentenced to death.

Earlier at The Slog: the ubiquity of bollocks