THE GERMAN WARP FACTOR: Bluebottles, Sigmar Gabriel, Martin Schulz, and the alles Klar thing

enterpriseThe Starship EUterprise navigation system is faulty

We’re inundated with flies and bluebottles here as this extraordinary heatwave continues. I was watching the bluebottles in particular earlier this afternoon (life gets slow here at times). I’ve been fascinated all my life with the way they don’t just try to exit the room they flew into so unwisely; they positively throw themselves at walls, windows, doors – in fact any upright surface…a sort of cross between kamikaze pilots and amphetamine-fuelled pinballs. There is indeed something genuinely suicidal about the way, when a wall heads towards them (and even a bluebottle must know the speed thing is down to them, not the wall) they accelerate.

“Wall approaching dead ahead,” says Captain James T. Bluebottle on the bridge, “Warp factor nine Scottie!”

“I’m givin’ her all she’s gowt!” yells Scottibottle, “She canny take much moorah Cappan!”

It’s the same with the European Union, I find.

Hour after hour one hears the zap-zap-zap as they careen around from chair leg to picture via radiator and curtain rail. The one thing all these obstacles have in common is unyielding hardness, but that’s never been known to deter a bluebottle: their motto must be the harder they come the harder they fall, and if so it enjoys the status of being a cliché without being a truism. Bluebottles are unique in both being and having a permanent headache.

It’s the same with Sigmar Gabriel, I find.

Gabbers is another member of the Herrenvolk’s Juggernaut tendency. Addicted to steroids from an early age, Sigmar shares the ability of Wolfie Foible to offer the same response whether the event might be a gas leak or the Earth wobbling out of its orbit: “Zere iss nussink new in ziss! Waiter – where iss my better menu? I haff for three months patiently vaiting here been”.

So nobody gasped in shock as Herr Gabriel said this afternoon – after an OXI had routed his JA – “Greece must present a new offer that goes beyond its previous proposals if it wants to remain in the euro”. They may well have variously gasped in frustration, disbelief and ennuie, but the predictability of Sigmar’s brainlessly hurled brick evoked rolling eyes more than anything else. The fact that Gabriel is chucking his brick at an empty jeweller’s shop window is what aligns him closely as a species with the bluebottle.

“Achtung!” yells Herr Kapitanleutnant Sigmar T. Blaubottle, “Prepare to launch Brick 1 Warp Factor 11 at ze vindow!”

“Sie gebt alles she has gegotten!” screams Hauptmann Scottische, ” but ze shop iss leer Dummkopf!”

Here is a shot of Sigmar Gabriel’s open-mindedness on the subject of Greek debt:

sigmarearsSiggy Braindust’s  two-fingers strategy in dealing with this subject has in turn a dual purpose: for not only do the digits stop new information from going in, they also arrest the constant escape of data going out.

“The Greeks are in arrears!” bellows Chrissie Lagarde.

“Yes you are right,” Gabriel replies, “my fingers are in my ears. I prefer it zat vay”.

Leading as she now does a Grand Coalition of dingbats in all the sizes and all the colours, I have to say that the German Führerin – a woman with whom I rarely sympathise, let alone socialise – deserves at the very least our understanding. For where even Sigmar fears to tread, there are many Bundestagers who would happily do a Tennessee stomp with moon boots on 24/7.

Leading the charge of that leaden Schützstaffel is our old friend Martin Bormann Schulz. Formerly the leader of the Progressive Socialist Alliance in the European Parliament, Herr Schulz is one of the world’s leading experts on Götterdämmerung, and I’m not talking Wagnerian opera here. While it may well be that Martin has a wife called Brunhilde who regularly sports the tin-hat-with-horns form of headgear, his intellect is more Val Doonican than Valkyrie: certainly, if Schulz has a feminine side, then it is well-disguised behind a beard and his eccentrically wide parting.

Two days ago, Schulz called for the elected Syriza government to be replaced by “technocrat” rule until stability is restored, which was – let’s not beat about the bush – hugely progressive and Socialist of him. He demanded this suspension of Greek democracy because without such a solution, Greece would “spin out of control” and there would be “a collapse of the medical system, power black-outs, and an import blockade”.

Something of an out-of-control spinner himself, Martin omitted to mention that the gargoyles he is supposed to control (as the head of the elected EU body) would be working hard to fulfill his prophecy of the very threat he feared. But in the wacky world of Eurosoap, this is the way things work.

“Armageddon dead ahead!” exclaimed Überstürmbannführer James T. Schulzbottle, “Altered futures to Bullshit Factor 17 Schottlander!”

“I’m giving Greece one up the arse for all I’ve got,” Schottie shouted, “but she can’t take any more!”

This is the least unpleasant shot I could find of Martin Schulz:

schulzfingerAs you can see, whereas Gabriel has mastered the finger-ear liaison as a means of approaching the alternative point of view, Martin has adopted a different MO, that of picking his nose while pretending that the bogey-seeking digitorum might at one and the same time control his facial orifice or gob.

Research shows, I’m afraid, that not even the toughest German-made steel zip can silence the gobbiness of the Gabby one.

According to Deutsche Welle broadcasting this morning, Martin Schultz made new comments about Greece during an interview he gave to the German newspaper Passauer Neue Presse. Commenting on the fact that Greek PM Alexis Tsipras firmly rejected the proposal put on the table by the Institutions – along with 61.3% of the citizens he represents – the President of the European Parliament said that the Syriza leader “is playing political games delaying the procedures” regarding a potential Greek solution.

You see, the CEO of GabSig Bollocks GmBh equates democracy with delay. And in that sense, he is slap-bang down the middle of the fairway when it comes to Germany’s tradition of delayed gratification….he doesn’t have one.

There is a phrase in German, “alles Klar”. It means ‘everything is ready’. German politicians exist in a state of permanent readiness. It may be for Operation Barbarossa or the federalisation of the EU, but the one thing this alles Klar shtick lacks is what the legals call aforethought. Nine times out of ten, German preparation is a model of efficiency with no malice intended at all. But 10% is all it takes to deliver misery unto the rest of us.

It is time – well into serious injury time, in fact – that German politicians should shut TFU and accept that we don’t all want to be like them. Their ideas wiped out two-thirds of my immediate ancestors, murdered six million Jews, and starved the Greeks twice in seventy years.

Enough is enough. This house believes that the power of the Chancellery has increased, is increasing, and ought to be diminished. And you would be amazed how many of my German friends agree with me.

Earlier at The Slog: Time for the one-eyed woman to take control

33 thoughts on “THE GERMAN WARP FACTOR: Bluebottles, Sigmar Gabriel, Martin Schulz, and the alles Klar thing

  1. They also f..k up my family’s life as well, By the way the flys in Portugal are like Japanese Zero,s pilots bouncing into walls and windows, but will not give up for the Emperor.


  2. For the EU, study the decline and fall of the Roman empire (editorial note;Brussels). Rome had 90 working days a year, slaves to do the work for the elite, free food, free entertainment, bitter political infighting, and insufficient tax revenues to finance the required armies to keep its vassal steps under control. They retreated from Scotland( ring a bell?),then England, and suffered a massive military defeat in Germany. Don’t you love the irony? It all unravelled.The photo of Schulz says it all.


  3. “Schulz called for the elected Syriza government to be replaced by “technocrat” rule until stability is restored,”
    Which means ‘Install another bankers’ puppet’.
    This is like watching a bad pantomime.
    You know the script but the actors just can’t make it sound in the least bit convincing.
    And it’s not at all funny.


  4. Mr Ward . Kindly cite the correct chronology of the nonenclature of my greatest foe.


    Not Gabriel Sigmar or Gabby Gobby or The Archangel Gabriel.
    He is my nemesis NOT because he is the leader of a trucculent opposition party with whom I have had once again to enter into a Grand Coalition for the sake of national unity/salvation ; but because although divorced from his wife he is now shacked up with a dentist from Baden Baden ……and I hate dentists ….. and I cannot stand Baden Baden !!!


  5. Is it normal for a human (Schulz?) to use this type of digito/facial gesture lining up the probe device and the sniffer without having acquired the habit as a child when using this same finger to explore various apertures, foreign and domestic, for any substance they might be hiding, and the olfactory pleasure of sampling each and every new surprise?


  6. The United States and Germany are prepared to engineer a coup in Greece to keep the country operating as a strategic asset on NATO’s vulnerable southeast European flank.

    “A putsch in Athens to save allied Greece from enemy Russia is in preparation by the US and Germany, with backing from the non-taxpayers of Greece – the Greek oligarchs, Anglo-Greek shipowners, and the Greek Church,” writes John Helmer, the longest continuously serving foreign correspondent in Russia not connected to the corporate media.


  7. Best unsolicited comment of the day to me from an ordinary citizen, ” Just like Stalingrade, from offense , to defence to encirclement ” those bas***** never learn when to pull back. Reminded me of Gorbachov’s repeated statements of disbelief that Western Europe would spend so much time, effort and money on creating a USSR lookalike for the benefit of the global corporations…… they never learn, which was taught to me as a child as the difference between man and animal.
    Yes indeed , pigs at the trough, nothing more nothing less.


  8. Geliebte Geli
    I do apologise most grovellingy for getting the Ordnung of Sigmar’s name not entirely richtig, although he is of course Sigmar not Signar as you suggested. Perhaps you meant that, like all German pols, he is no signal seeing haw haw haw.
    Anyway, all Korrections have been made and so Ordnung is restored.
    Ordnungs vill be obeyed at all timess.


  9. I am f**kin dis custard
    When you cross a kangaroo with a sheep, you get a woolly jumper baaaaahhhh boom.


  10. “It is time – well into serious injury time, in fact – that German politicians should shut TFU and accept that we don’t all want to be like them. Their ideas wiped out two-thirds of my immediate ancestors, murdered six million Jews, and starved the Greeks twice in seventy years.

    Enough is enough. This house believes that the power of the Chancellery has increased, is increasing, and ought to be diminished. And you would be amazed how many of my German friends agree with me.”

    Well put John. I like Germany. The Germans I’ve met have been lovely people. German culture is great. Hell, I even drive a Golf.

    But every time they put together what they think passes for a foreign policy (and here we’ve got foreign policy under the guise of economic policy) and try to implement it, my God they f*&k it up.

    I think we need a new EU law decreeing that German foreign policy shall ever be limited to just participating in the World Cup.


  11. And to think that Signar Gabriel represents a party whose name contains both the words Social and Democrat.
    He sounds like some perverse homunculus hybrid of Thatcher and Bush the Second.

    Listening to German radio today I am amazed at just how mainstream neo-liberal they have become.

    They are passing trade union laws that would make Boris Johnson blush and their newly privatised postal
    service, has due a strike by its pitifully underpaid and overworked delivery staff, several months backliog of
    undelivered mail. It’s OK though, the company claims they cannot be sued for damages because they do not guarantee a delivery time.
    Actually, so long as you have paid the postage they’re just fine, they’ve made their money so delivery is optional – in fact it’s a drain on profits, so you can whistle for it.

    Meanwhile, on French radio, there is a stream of former Eurocrats claiming that it’s all Greece’s own fault and that
    there is nothing wrong at all with the Euro or Europe, especially the bits they had a hand in creating.

    Truly astounding – not the Europe I used to know and love.


  12. Would the use of an Inter Euterine Device prevent this sort of thing ever happening again? We should at least try it, after all there’s no shortage of appropriate genitalia for experimental fitting.


  13. Is it even appropriate to say in such dire times, that this blog is getting funnier by the day! Such wit!

    Btw, some Greek commentators don’t seem so enamoured of Tsipras – “We Greeks have voted ‘No’ to slavery — but ‘Yes’ to our chains” and suggest he has been lying by – “telling his fellow Greeks that we can live in a Looking Glass world, where we can have our euro and eat it too; that we can stay handcuffed to the euro but run free without austerity.”


  14. Thank you Mr W and I concede my spelling of Sigmar s name was erroneous and not in conformity with traditional rigid Teutonic attention to detail . I can only explain it by proffering the thought that my adversaries whom I hold in most contempt are usually treated to shortcomings in their form of address. So now that the awesomely handsome Varoufakoff has done just that , you may exoect ne to offer identical spelling disdain to his ” mathematical” successor EUCLID THANKS-A-LOTUSS.


  15. We’ll begin with box, the plural is boxes,
    But the plural of ox is oxen, not oxes!
    One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
    But the plural of moose should never be meese!

    You may find a lone mouse, or a hole for mice,
    The plural of house is houses, not hice!
    If the plural of man is always men,
    Why shouldn’t the plural of pan, be pen?

    The cow in plural form is cow or kine,
    But bow if repeated is never called bine.
    If I speak of a foot and you show me two feet,
    If I gave you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

    If one is a tooth and the whole set is teeth,
    Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be beeth?
    If the singular is this, the plural is these;
    Shouldn’t the plural of kiss be kese?

    Then one may say that, and two will be those,
    Your hat in the plural would never be hose;
    We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
    But though we say mother, we never say methren!

    Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
    But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim!
    So, English, I think you will all agree,
    Is the Silliest language you ever did see.


  16. “This house believes that the power of the Chancellery has increased, is increasing, and ought to be diminished.”
    Could not agree more.Twas but 70 years since we last put them back in their box … for the second time in the same century. Schuld-obsessed Schulz doth protest too much, Thomas Piketty says Germany has never repaid its debts.


  17. I tend to agree with those other Greek commentators.

    This is a stinking pile of sh*te as far as I can see. To remain in the euro sans austerity is one effing great ‘oxi’-moron. Excuse the pun.

    I’m afraid someone is lying to the Greek people, and that someone is their ‘brave’ prime minister. The people need the truth, and I’m afraid the truth is going to hurt like hell, but not half as much as having euro notes in your pocket legitimise your misery.

    Greece is going to be crushed, Democracy and all, if they don’t get the hell out of the euro zone. They need to nationalise the banks and start printing drahma…and tell the Drag artist to do one…


  18. Pingback: No need for Grexit says one Euro Architect, Athens can Run a neo-Drachma in Parallel | FrenchNewsOnline

  19. John, this heatwave, is only a tiddler. I’m guessing that you weren’t down here during 2003 or 2005.

    The 2003 canicule is the most talked about due to the deaths which followed from it. But 2005…phew-eee, that was a real scorcher for what seemed like months. Today, our lawns (what we call ‘grass’) are still mostly green(ish), but exactly ten years ago, they were just brown dust. My son got married here just after 7/7, and we had marquees on what was supposed to be the ‘lawn’ which wasn’t!


  20. Greece remaining in the EU is important for legal reasons,since the EU have broken every rule accounts etc they have little legal ground to stand on,little provision to pay costs let alone contagion,but if forced out,the legal process will be much harder to enforce


  21. ….murdered six million Jews,

    You would need a 1000 locomotives, each hauling a hundred cars, packed with 600, to get them there in a single day. Impossible. Just how long did it take to haul them to the gas chambers? How long does it take to transport 12/15 million? Another burning issue: coal-powered trains have limited range, especially when hauling heavy loads. Mountains of coal would have to be stored everywhere, and that would take a few years; if they could lay their hands on it. Giant battleships and a 1000 U-boats would have first dibs on any coal. Indeed,

    Have a nice day.


  22. I don’t know whether the EU demands are reasonable or not. But ultimately by joining the euro, Greece signed up to follow the rules as agreed by the other EU nations. They can’t just decide to ignore the rules as soon as they don’t suit them. Or if they do, the answer is of course to leave the euro. By neither following the rules or leaving the euro, and then making nasty accusations against the Germans, the Greeks are behaving both dishonorably and dishonestly.


  23. Get real Tom, or are you one of the “fat lazy Greek” believers. The country is being decimated FFS..

    Yes, they did sign up to join the euro… Illegally! It was a connivance between Goldman Sachs Bank and the Greek elite/oligarchs. The Greek elite knew exactly what they were doing, and have since moved their billions into Swiss bank accounts, which is tantamount to treason.

    The Europeans knew that Greece could never function within the Eurozone, but they allowed it anyway. Lots of under the table dosh to be had, no doubt. All totally illegal, and not one person has been jailed for it.


  24. Rules rules rules. And the ECB, the IMF and the EU have broken nearly all of them. CBA’d to list them, expect it would be easier to list the ones that haven’t…yet (are there any)?

    Looks like the bleedin’ idiots have found your blog John…hey ho


  25. ” … a 1000 locomotives, each hauling a hundred cars, packed with 600, to get them there in a single day. ”

    A new and abhorrent twist in the usual hateful rhetoric and obviously addressed to those in nursery school. The Nazi killing machine began its “purging” in the mid-thirties in Germany and continued throughout Europe on a daily basis from 39-45. Do your maths again.
    No, don’t have a nice day.


  26. Pingback: Class War | Gabriel Vents

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