oxiTwo research sources and a third who claims to have seen exit poll returns tell me this afternoon that the OXI vote has scored a comfortable win in the Greek referendum today.

“If the Greeks vote no, they can kiss membership of the euro goodbye” said Martin Schulz at 10.00 am Greek time.

By 3pm Greek time, several media were opining that the NO vote had probably carried the day.

“If the Greeks vote no, we will not abandon them” said Martin Schulz at 4 pm Greek time.

It’s a game of two halves with yer Germans, innit? You can set yer watch by ’em.

News is coming in that EU Parliament President Martin Schulz has been hit by a thunderbolt. People close to the scene described a booming voice from above the clouds saying “Armageddon is my job squarehead, so don’t get too big for your jackboots”.

“You have to give one thing to Herr Schulz” said passer-by Dimitri Yassalopulous, “he didn’t miss a beat. But his beard looks like a sea anemone.”

In what may be a related incident, Wolfgang Schäuble abducted himself as early returns suggested a clear OXI win. German police have surrounded the house where he is holding himself to ransome. Herr Schäuble’s voice has been heard shouting, “If the Oxis win, Schäuble  gets it”. In the light of this development, Frau Merkel has begged the Greek people to vote Yes for humanitarian reasons.

Meanwhile over in Holland, Jerry Lee Drivelbloke has been attacked by a swarm of moths living in his wallet. The eurogroupe chair told reporters, “I made to open the wallet, and they just went for me. Now all my euros have holes in them.” Dutch police said the moths’ passports showed that they were of Greek origin and there were lovely coloured circles all over Mr Drivelbloke’s lawn in fact one could quite clearly hear the grass grow.

“In der afternoonsh are the guysh often the coffee shopsh vishiting,” commented police sergeant Honk Vonk Schmeerdonk, “with shometimes hilarioush reshultsh”.

Spanish PM Mariano Ahoy said a NO vote would mean all future negotiations would be tortuous. But Italian bat Mario Dragula said Senor Ahoy had got it wrong, and in fact all future Greek negotiators would be tortured.

The case continues.