The Financial Times wtites that Sigmar Gabriel, Germany’s vice-chancellor and head of the country’s Social Democratic party — long seen as a more conciliatory political group — penned an article for Monday’s daily Bild newspaper in which he warned patience towards Greece in Germany was running thin.

In a global exclusive, The Slog has obtained permission to put into words what Herr Gabriel meant to write:

‘We in the SPD think it is time to put the shot across your bowels, Syriza.

Our patience is wearing thin with your time-wasting, infantile suggestions for compromise. Time and time again and over and over we Germans have tried to be honest with you but you insist on negotiating about the non-negotiable.

Our own tragically disabled Herr Schäuble spent many long and painful hours explaining to you very slowly because you are Greek and stupid that your plans for recovery could never work as well as ours were doing before you used the brazen distraction of an election to poke your nose into things that do not concern you and the understanding of which are way beyond your crypto-communist ideology that burnt the Reichstag down in 1933 and forced unser geliebter Fuhrer to declare a State of Emergency against his better democratic judgement.
It is clear to us that your claimed destiny of bowing to our every wish was not promised in good faith, because here we are nine weeks into a process in which we Eurogermans have never once wavered from our promise to stick to the rule of no compromises, but you destructive Soviet partisans continue to introduce suggestions. How many times do we have to tell you that suggestions are strengstens vervoten and disobeying the rules of give and take in in this discussion into which we on our side have entered to take back that which you took so greedily having been given the chance to borrow far more than you could every repay and then took the piss as if it was your God-given right to take what you were given, I mean what could be clearer than that Gott in Himmel?

German workers may have social democratic leanings like me, but they are nevertheless able to see their national duty to defend the Vaterland, and that is why the National Socialism in their genes shouts nein, nein and again nein in the face of string-vested layabouts who can’t even count to ten and insist on whining about the debt being nothing to do with them which was our point in the first place all of this is none of your business, you should have left it to experts like Herren Veryzealous and Smarmarse now there were men who knew how to say yes.

Your game-playing baldie Janice Varofuckov – see, even his name is Russian – makes fun of our glorious German workers who are already in penury and on the verge of selling their children just to be ready for the dreadful cost of your despicable decision inside our eurozone to shit rather than go outside to take a dump to default well let me tell you goatherding nonentities that the clue is in the name, because default is all yours and just when we were starting to turn the corner you rabble stabbed us in the back and so now their patience is wearing thin with the help of Bild in whose hallowed pages I have chosen to make this final eleventh hour last chance five to midnight last minute appeal for you to come to your senses and capitulate.

I send this reasonable request in all humility and recognition of you as a member State in the European Union and in recognition of the many friends I have made in Greece while waiting several hours for service in your quaint tavernas.
Most sincerely
Your avenging Angel Gabriel x’