HOW GRANT SHAPPS IS DEVELOPING INTERNATIONALLY: THE FULL, UNEXPURGATED & ENTIRELY UNTRUE STORY

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When Grant Shapps was demoted to international development, I think most people quite rightly saw it as a sign that his career development was firmly in the past. In a Tory administration, going from Party Chairman to ID Minister is akin to being moved from Marketing Director Europe to Sales Manager Bolivia.

It seems that, a month on, Grant has already been introducing his unique approach to entrepreneurial international development….with a view to having “oodles of dosh by Christmas”. Mr Shapps has set up a business importing fridges from Zimbabwe – using the brand name G4S. A Slog undercover team went down to his new showpiece store Cold Comfort in East London’s Dock Green last week, and overheard the following conversation:

Concerned Customer: Good morning. You sold me a fridge a month ago, remember?

Grant Shapps: Er….might do, not sure, our frooput ‘ere’s mega y’know. Why?

CC: You told me it had a frost free feature.

GS: I probably did squire. I trust it’s workin’ to your full satisfaction?

CC: As a matter of fact no, it isn’t. It’s full of frost.

GS: Er….yeerrss…. and your point is?

CC: You said it was a frost free fridge. It isn’t.

GS: Yes it is.

CC: No it isn’t.

GS: Look, you’ve got frost in your fridge, is that correct?

CC: It is.

GS: And have I asked you to pay for that frost?

CC: Of course not, but that’s my…..

GS: So you ‘ave a fridge full of frost and that frost came to you under the good hospices of Cold Comfort at habsolutely no cost to your good self, am I correct?

CC: Oh for Heavens….

GS: …well then, you are the lucky owner of a G4S fridge, with the frost supplied absolutely free. So what is your problem?

CC: My problem, sir, is that you have sold me a product that is unfit for purpose, and under the Sale of Goods Act….

GS: Ah roight, I see…goin’ the legal route are we? Got a receipt ‘ave you?

CC: Yes of course I do, but look here….

GS: I dunno what it is wiv you people. ‘ere I am a self-made man tryin’ to put summat back into society and help the nignogs out of their unfortunate gigainflation problem and when I offer you a free frost feature you frow it back in my face.

CC: Look here, I’m as concerned as you are about overseas development, but…

GS: Know what you are mate? You’re a non-violent extremist, that’s what: and if there’s any more of this nonsense I shall be calling in my close associate Meraisa Tray at the Homeless Office to sort you out good and proper. I should point out that she ‘as at ‘er disposal the fine officers of the Metropolitan Police, media fitups an’ crawlin’ up political arses a speciality, dismissal of charges tailored to order an’ so forth. Do I make myself clear?

CC: Ah well, hahah… let’s not be hasty…

GS: Au contraire chummy, you can be as ‘asty as you like f**kin’ off out of my emporium.

Our plain-clothes Sloggies were about to leave when another customer walked up to the counter as the previous complainant beat a hasty retreat.

CC2: I ordered a chest freezer from your website, and when it arrived there was a chest in it.

GS: Excellent…….another satisfied customer. It is part of our policy to give every valued customer a free human chest as a starter pack

CC2: Ah. Only that’s not….that is, I mean, it is a bit disturbing to find an entire….

GS: Tell me sir, did you read the terms of business binding agreement tick box here to continue contract page on our site?

CC2: Well, I ticked the box if that’s what you…

GS: Oh dear oh dear oh dear sir. It is plain to me you did not study it in full – in particular with reference to the Robert Mugabe FREE Cannibal Cookbook clause – that ticking that box committed you to lifetime membership of Chests by Post (Harare 2015) Limited.

CC2: No, I didn’t really to be honest, but….

GS: ….Nihil desperandum squire, for like all Chest Clubs this one only requires you to eat eight African chests per year. Why not have a spicey ribs barbecue and invite all your friends to a poolside treat this summer?

CC2: I don’t have a swimming pool.

GS: Ah well, as luck would ‘ave it, I might be able to help you there….

The Slog’s lawyers Messrs Tryle & Errah would like to make it clear to Carter Ruck, Foot Anstey, and Ambulance Chase & Prophet that the above post is devoid of Truth in the best tradition of serious contemporary media.

17 thoughts on “HOW GRANT SHAPPS IS DEVELOPING INTERNATIONALLY: THE FULL, UNEXPURGATED & ENTIRELY UNTRUE STORY

  1. Dr Mengele reading from Manaus hinterland tells me Chest is most tasty and nutritious if preparedand marinated and cooked in the isame fashion as pulled pork .

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  2. In the same vein – ignorant incompetence at the helm……
    please consider the perils of the UK’s defence in the hands of brains trained at Sandhurst and the like.
    Having pissed out billions of pounds playing with their toys in the sandpits of Afghanistan and Iraq, and losing hundreds of lives with no gain, they bleat that they are powerless to influence events any more in the world. Meanwhile, Trident submarine engine signature has been compromised in the outer Clyde by the russian navy, allowing Trident to be shadowed and shot down in the boost phase – effectively castrating that ace of deterrents. Meanwhile, the ragheads and nignogs have been walking through our front door in Dover for the last 20 years without being challenged, and set up any infrastructure they want in this country. Now they walk into Italy and Greece at will.Not to mention the cost of 2 aircraft carriers with no aeroplanes, which can be sunk at a moment’s notice, while we reinforce Latvia before the Russians walk int Ukraine and Turkey.
    No wonder the majority population kids of europe don’t have any fight in them today.
    What the F*ck is going on please????

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/defence/11673410/Defence-chiefs-UK-feeble-on-world-stage.html

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  3. Prof I don’t think that’s quite right? I believe we have one F35 for each aircraft carrier.What could possibly go wrong.?.

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  4. O common John not even Shapps could get white good’s out of Zimbo MacGabby would steal them all first and send only empty packing cases, to go with all his other empty promises.

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  5. We are a small bankrupt country who no longer matter. Lets move on and rebuild for the future,alone and without the Euronuts.It is possible if we get a head of steam up. A small but determined group have often overcome larger odds,cometh the hour cometh the man.We await our destiny,the time is near.

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  6. Canada ex pat . Really enlightening link. Ironic to think the RAF or Flying Corp started out with the Sopwith Camel and now we have the F35 camel. Definition of camel ” a horse designed by a comittee” . And with inherent faults ?

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